“I keep pretending,” I murmured.“Smiling.Drinking.Being who everyone expects me to be.Acting as if I’m not torn to shreds on the inside.”
“And tonight?”she asked, her hands inching up my chest.
“I’m tired.I don’t want to pretend anymore.”
Her head tilted, beautiful warm brown eyes catching mine.“Then don’t.”Her hands moved up my neck and rested on my jaw.The dim glow from the single table lamp illuminated her like the angel she was.
I don’t know who moved first, but our lips crashed together in a fury of tongue, teeth and desperation.It was like coming home after a hard day.The relief and joy of sitting down in my favorite spot and Rose curling into my side.
But we weren’t home.Our home wasn’t together anymore.
I pulled back, stepping away from the one thing I wanted more than anything in this whole damn world.
Confusion and shock flashed across Rose’s too-perfect features.“I thought that’s what you wanted.It’s what I want.”
My jaw clenched, fingers flexed at my side as if they were trying to revolt against me and grab her again.“It’s not going to change anything.We’ll just be pretending it will.But morning will come, and I still won’t be able to give you what you want, and you’ll maybe think that’s okay, but in time, you’ll resent me.”
She shook her head.“No.”
“Yes.You said it yourself.”
A tear fell from her lid, following the faint line that hadn’t faded.I reached up, swiping it away, my hand lingering near her cheek, practically begging me to reconsider.
“I hate myself.”
“No.”I pulled her into my arms, my hands cupping her head as she cried into my chest.“Don’t hate yourself for admitting what you want.What you need.”
“But what I want and what I need are two totally different things right now.”
I closed my eyes, wishing I could take away her pain.“I hate myself too.”
She drew back, eyes glistening with unshed tears.“Why?You didn’t do anything.I did.”
“I should have been able to give you what you want, but I’ve been so scared of losing you.And now that I know what losing you is, I’m actually even more terrified.Terrified if I open that door all the way, I won’t survive it if it closes again.Because every time I imagine saying yes, pretending this is enough, I see the moment it finally breaks you.And I can’t be the reason you look at me one day and wish you’d chosen differently.”
“You don’t get to protect me by hurting yourself.”
“Don’t you get it?I’m not just protecting you.I’m being selfish.I’m protecting myself more.”
Her hands cupped my face, her grip hard and determined.“You’re wrong.”
I closed my eyes, resting my hands on hers, linking our fingers together.I had always been a believer that everything happened for a reason, winding up in the same photography class together, giving up the path I always assumed I would take, and following Rose to Vine Valley.Everything seemed to work out the way it was supposed to.But I had no idea why this happened to us.Why I suddenly wasn’t enough.
“I’m the selfish one,” Rose said.“I want my cake, and I want to eat it too.”
My lip quirked up.“I have never understood that saying.”
Rose laughed, and while it was completely inappropriate for the moment, I laughed too.Because for us, it was normal.
“If you have a cake, of course you’re going to eat it.”
“Exactly,” she said, brushing her thumb along my cheek.“Which makes me greedy, I guess.I want you… and I want the life I know I need.And right now, they don’t look the same.”
The laughter faded, leaving something softer behind.Something achingly real.
“I don’t want to resent you,” she continued, her voice barely above a whisper.“And I don’t want to wake up one day wondering when I started shrinking my dreams to make them fit beside yours.”
My chest tightened at her admission.“I never wanted you to shrink.Not for me.Not for anyone.”
