I closed my eyes just for a second, relishing the gentleness of his caress.Imagining how this would have played out if I hadn’t thrown a monkey wrench into our lives.
“I don’t want you to forgive me, because you always do.I want you to be honest with me.I need you to be.”
He took a step back, his hand falling to his side, bringing a blast of cold through my body.“Okay,” he said, his voice quiet but steady.“I’m angry.I’m confused.And I’m trying like hell to figure out how we went from us to this.This awkwardness where I don’t know if I can touch you or if I’m crossing a line.Not knowing what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.I hate this.Hate every fucking thing about it.And there’s nothing I can do, because at the end of the day we want different things, and that’s not something I can fix with a joke.”
The rawness in his voice twisted my stomach and shame flooded through me.“You should hate me.”
“I could never.”
“I hate myself.Hate that I can’t get past this.Hate that I changed on you.”My voice cracked, but I didn’t stop.I couldn’t.Not when the words had been living under my skin for too long.“I didn’t want to walk away from you.From us.I didn’t want to leave you.But if I stayed.I was afraid I would resent you, and then you would resent me for wanting more.You don’t deserve that.”
His jaw clicked and tightened, eyes burning into mine like he was trying to find the version of me he understood.
He stepped toward me, determination in his movements.His hand lifted, my breath caught, and a knock at the door blasted through us like an invisible wall.“Rose—”
“Hey fuckers, the party’s here!”
Wyatt sighed, and his hand fell before it ever touched me.The loss of his warmth and the gentle caress I had relished for so long broke every piece of me that still loved him.
Disappointment spread into my veins, and anger burned through me.Not at Wyatt.Never at Wyatt.At me.For thinking what we had wasn’t enough.Thathewasn’t enough.Since I’d walked away, I’d been in hell.Desperate for any moment I got to see him, hear him, witness that smile and laugh that was so distinctively Wy.Absorbing every crumb I was lucky enough to get, and when we’d part ways, those crumbs became my lifeline.Without them, without him, I was empty.
Another loud pound came from the door.
“I need to open that, or he’s going to barge through like the Kool-Aid man, and I don’t want to be responsible for that destruction.”
I nodded, unable to get words past the massive lump in my throat.
Wyatt closed his eyes, ran a hand over his face, and yanked the door open.A huge smile curved his lips, his eyes wide with excitement and joy as he slammed into Chris and bear-hugged him.
An unsettled feeling grew in my gut.I’d seen the mask slip into place before, but never like that.He was far from happy, but for his friends, the people who expected him to be the joyful one, the fun one, he’d fake it.And while I wanted to run into the bathroom and hide until the wedding, I wouldn’t leave Wy to fend for himself.If he could do it.I could do it.
We were teammates for life.
I fixed a smile on my face and stepped over the threshold, immediately spotting Cynthia.“Cynthia!”I exclaimed like I was the happiest person in the world and tossed my arms around her.“How was your flight?”
She rolled her eyes and nodded toward Chris.“Someone started pre-gaming on the plane.He’s already drunk.I told him we’re not in college anymore, and we have a wedding to be in tomorrow.”
“They never learn, do they?”I said, glancing at Wy, who was reenacting some story, hands and arms flying about.
“No, but I swear if he pulls this shit at our wedding, he’ll be spending his first night as a husband on the couch.”
I smiled when I really wanted to sayhe chose you.He’s marrying you.Why would you punish him for celebrating and having some fun?But I wouldn’t do that.Not to a friend who had held my hair back on more than one occasion when college nights got a little crazy, or who helped me demolish a quart of ice cream right out of the container when I was panic-eating before a big exam.“He’ll be too mesmerized by you in that amazing wedding dress and trying to find ways of ducking out of his own reception and getting you to your room.”
Cynthia’s laugh echoed through the hallway.“Want to put money on that?”
“Never,” I said and laughed with her.
She brushed a hand over her hair, her engagement ring catching the light of the chandelier above us.An unexpected rush of sadness slammed into me.Cynthia got her ring.She got her dress.And pretty soon she’d have her bachelorette party and wedding, too.
I couldn’t turn the jealousy off.The harder I tried, the stronger it grew, seeping out the sides of my resistance until I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
“I need a drink,” Cynthia said, hooking her arm into mine.“Preferably something with bubbles and a cherry.”
A new wave of panic struck me.I had plans to slip into the reception early tomorrow and pay off the bartender.I didn’t make plans for the night before.This wasn’t good.I needed a new plan.
Chris slung his arm around Wyatt.“Room bar or hotel bar?”
My mind drifted to our room with the rose-petal hearts.
