“No one is completely impervious to this type of abuse. You’ll be likefuck itone day and delete every social media app on your phone, then reinstall them two weeks later. You’ll keep reading comments from time to time and fixate on the negative ones. It happens to everyone, no matter how long you’ve been doing this. We’re human, after all. But you need to flip the switch; ignore and delete everything that comes through your DMs. That’s the only way to avoid getting caught up in it.” Grabbing his bottle of water, Kaj took a sip. “Or, like Niels probably already told you, you should hire a personal assistant; among other things, so that ours don’t have to deal with your stuff, too.” Of course Kaj had to throw that punch out there.
Noah looked up at the ceiling and let out a sigh. “I had a lot going on before coming on tour and didn’t have time to check the candidates Niels suggested. Sorry about that.”
“No need to apologize to me. Besides, they’re getting paid extra for it. But just saying.”
“What does Hilde do for you, other than making sure your stage clothes are ready and you have everything you need during tours?”
“She also helps me with my personal agenda and handles my email and socials.”
Noah averted his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “I have never gotten that amount of hate because of what I do or how I look. Not since fucking school.”
That statement made Kaj flinch as memories of how they’d met flooded his mind. He would never forget how those kids were using some disgusting racist and homophobic slur while kicking Noah as he lay on the ground. It was totally unfair—three to one—more so since Noah had been such a sweet, non-confrontational boy back then. The same vulnerable, kind soul he was seeing in those dark eyes now.
Not everyone’s like those entitled assholes in our hometown, but a small town like that sure is a breeding field for narrow minds.
Kaj sighed. “Things are tense now with Emil’s departure. That’s probably part of the reason some people are enraged. But it’ll pass.” He waited until Noah was looking at him again. “As crude as it sounds, we’ve all been called worthless pieces of shit and been told to kill ourselves throughout the years more times than I care to admit, but time helps you grow a thicker skin.”
Kaj surprised himself at how easily the words flowed out of his mouth, especially since they were an attempt to comfort Noah. Maybe the coffee he’d had before coming to the gym had some tasteless sugar in it, and he was high.
“I guess you’re right…”
“I am.” Kaj exhaled heavily, flinging his leg over the bench to face Noah. “Aksel once had an ex flooding his notifications with the most vile shit you can imagine, both private and public. It got so bad he was afraid to even check his phone. And Xander, well, he experienced cyberbullying concerning his appearance in the early days of the band. I don’t know how anyone dared to do that, honestly. Chubby or beefy, he could slap you and rip your head off in the process.”
“And you had that creep Niels told me about,” Noah concluded.
“Yeah. And you know what all of them have in common? They’re miserable and malicious. Well-adjusted, happy people don’t spend their time trying to ruin your life. Those hateful comments and shady behaviors say more about them than they say about us.”
“That’s... surprisingly insightful,” Noah said. “Thanks. I appreciate you sharing that.”
Kaj cleared his throat and straddled the bench again. “Don’t go spreading it around. I got a reputation to maintain.”
Noah chuckled, some of the tension easing from his shoulders. “Don’t worry, Larsen. I won’t let anyone know you’re actually capable of human emotion.”
“Fuck off,” Kaj bit back, unable to hide the faint smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth.
As they both resumed their workout, the rhythmic clanking of weights and soft grunts escaping them filled the air. With less focus on the talking and more on the training, they assisted each other throughout the rest of the session. Despite the silence, the atmosphere surrounding them felt slightly different. The awkwardness and nuisance had disappeared, leaving behind a fragile truce made of unspoken understanding.
Ten
Ithadbeentendays since they’d landed in Toronto. After the gig here in Vancouver, Artificial Suicide only had a couple of interviews, which meant the entire crew finally had some real time to relax.
Leaning back on the wooden bench, Kaj flicked the ash off his cig and brought it to his mouth again as he looked into the distance. The backyard of this hotel was so silent at this hour, it felt like a bubble of peace in a parallel dimension. Goosebumps spattered his arms and back under his coat when a soft breeze swirled. The air was cool and biting with sharp crispness, but there was something calming about it.
Kaj loved Canada. He would stay here for another couple of weeks if it were up to him, but he was ready to move on. The faster they went to the next country, the faster they’d go back home. He wasn’t going to get rid of Noah, but at least he’d stop having to see him every day. It was excruciating. More so since he’d joined him at the gym a couple more times.
There was lust and hatred. A sense of longing and vexation. Kaj’s skin felt uncomfortable when thoughts about the things he wanted to do to Noah flooded his mind, but he didn’t act on it. It itched and burned, and it was driving him fucking insane. Some days he woke up thinking,fuck it. Then he saw Noah at the table with everyone, having breakfast, talking, enjoying himself, thriving, and a deep chasm opened in the ground between them.
Noah was oblivious to what had happened to Kaj, but for the drummer, looking at him was like staring at himself in a mirror of time. The yearning to be in Noah’s arms scraped his bones. It’d always been so quiet when they were tangled around each other, but every time they’d been together, Kaj could also feel the wounds in his soul bleeding all over again. He could feel the cuts on his wrists and thighs, the knife Noah put through his heart when he let him go without a fight, the pain of being misunderstood, Jesper’s hands on him… That conflict sent him reeling.
Kaj didn’t know how to cope with such an emotional disparity, and every time it arose in his mind, all he wanted to do was hide behind the illusion of happiness that drugs provided. But he was trying to recover, for real this time. He was trying to be a better person and not stumble upon the same mistakes over and over again.
If Kaj were different, they might be able to pull off thatno-strings-attachedtype of shit. It was just sex. They didn’t need to like each other as people. He’d done it before. Fuck and chuck. No names. No phone number exchange. Just pure debauchery. But everything related to Noah automatically became an obsession for Kaj, and he was done with falling into that trap. He was done with stalking him online, with getting angry when he didn’t immediately reply to his texts, with counting the minutes until he could see him and ditching his friends to do so, with letting his primal desires steer his decisions, with feeling empty and not being able to eat for days after watching him with another man—like that Zach dude, who was still friends with Mads.
They had their moment when they were teens. They’d loved each other, experimented, grew up, and learned what it meant to fully trust someone. But that fairytale was over. Now they were just broken pieces that didn’t fit together, a soiled reverie of what they could’ve been.
Sucking in a deep breath, Kaj put his cig out against the sole of his boot and walked back inside, leaving the stub on the floor ashtray at the door. It was time to sleep, or try to. The flight to New York wasn’t first thing in the morning, but with all the crap they carried everywhere, it would take a while to get ready.
As Kaj entered his room, he took off his boots and coat, then went straight to brush his teeth.
