For Kaj, that was huge.
What he’d gone through as a teen had destroyed his sense of self and his ability to function around others, which led to years of engaging in risky behaviors that could have cost him his life. He was getting better at that, yet he still struggled with flashbacks, hypervigilance, controlling his emotions, and relying on others. Aside from Mads, Kaj hadn’t trusted anyone for a long time, but these guys had earned it the hard way.
Three
Kajwasearlyagaintoday.
He never arrived late on purpose, but some days it felt like Murphy had a personal vendetta against him. His bike had a flat tire. This street or that was closed for repairs. Or he was completely passed out after a night of bad decisions, as was customary, and his alarm didn’t go off. However, since he didn’t live in a permanent high, this shit had become a habit.
Kaj didn’t fancy the idea of the guys getting used to him being a respectable human. It was strange even for him. Like,who the fuck are you?Yet, he didn’t know what else to do other than pace his apartment like a loon, waiting for the inevitable. At least here, in the rehearsal room, he felt safer. It soothed his soul.
But maybe all that was just a fucking delusion, and he was in hell.
“Hey,” Noah said when he closed the door behind him, because of course he was the perfectly annoying, uptight, always-on-time type of person.
“Hey.” Kaj spared him a quick glance before going back to look at his phone. He was mindlessly scrolling, but it was better than seeing Noah’s face. Seriously, the way his stomach churned from just looking at him was sickening.
“Where are Aksel and Xander?” Noah asked.
“On their way.”
“Hm-kay… How long until they get here?”
“No idea.”
Noah opened his mouth to ask something else, but Kaj looked up, his glare probably telling him to stop talking.
For a moment, Noah seemed to get it. He took off his coat, sat on the couch across the room with one leg crossed over the other, and looked around. The space was pretty decent to be a rehearsal room; washed-out brown wooden floors, a high ceiling paneled with acoustic foam, and concrete walls half-covered for sound improvement. Of course there was a big rug with floral motifs and medallions—a classic—that extended from underneath the drums over the center of the room.
As silence had settled, making Kaj think he was in the clear, Noah opened his big mouth again.
“So… How’s your family?”
Kaj raised his head and glared at him again, trying to actually bore a hole in his head. “They’re dead.”
“Oh… I-I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
Kaj could have left it there. He could have let Noah sit in his awkward, fumbling guilt. But something in Kaj—something rotten—wanted to see just how uncomfortable he could make him.
Kaj let out a derisive snort. “Katja drank herself to death. Not much of a loss anyway.”
That one landed. Kaj saw it in the way Noah stiffened. Saw it in the flicker of his eyes. Was it disgust? Pity?Good.
“Dearest stepbrother is still alive, somewhere. Last time I checked he was in jail for drunk driving and killing someone in the process, but he might as well be dead.”
Noah didn’t get it. Of course he didn’t. He had no idea what he was asking about. No idea that if Kaj let himself think—really think—about Jesper, whose hands had reshaped his entire fucking life into this unrecognizable thing—No.No.He wasn’t going there.
“Doesn’t matter.”
Silence settled between them, thick and suffocating.But not for Kaj.He didn’t feel it.Didn’t feelanything. After what he’d been through, watching Noah sitting there was just an inconvenience. He was scrambling for the right thing to say, like there was some magic fucking sentence that would make it okay. Like this was just another awkward conversation that could be smoothed over with the right words.
Pathetic.
Noah cleared his throat, getting the hint behind Kaj’s poisonous words, and changed the topic. “Do you… Do you already have the setlist decided?”
“Yeah.” Kaj shoved his phone into the cargo pocket of his pants and grabbed his drumsticks as he stepped on the bass drum pedal.
“Can you send me the list?”
