The sounds of slapping skin and ragged breaths resonated in the space as their hips grinded and slammed and rolled in sync. A visceral urge to claim what had always been theirs swept over them. The emotions were so muddled that the need to please and the impulse to hurt each other became one.
Goosebumps spattered over Noah’s back with overwhelming desire. “I’m gonna come.”
The release shattered him completely. A guttural moan vibrated through him as spurts of sticky cum splashed all over the couch underneath him, and he fell into sweet, filthy nothingness. He was vaguely aware of Kaj’s orgasm when his own groans echoed in the room before he collapsed on top of him.
They lay there for a while, destroyed, tangled, and still connected as they tried to catch their breaths. The calmness was almost absolute, only disturbed by the distant thud of music outside.
Everything felt like poetic reverie—the smell of sex, the aftershocks traveling through each one of his nerves, the deep relief, the exhaustion...
“I told you,” Kaj husked, pulling out of him and standing. “Easy.”
The guilt.
It was all very fucking real.
Twenty-two
On Sunday, Noah didn’teven want to leave his room. Not because he was hungover or physically hurt, but because he couldn’t face the reality of what he had done.
Sure, he and Zach weren’t dating per se, but they had an agreement, and he’d broken it in the worst possible way.
Bringing his legs to his chest, Noah curled in his bed, wishing he could fall asleep so his brain stopped running in circles about something that had no solution, but it was too bright outside for that. The sound of his mom doing dishes and listening to music on the other side of the wall made it all that much worse. She was probably doing it on purpose to make him move his ass—last time he checked, it was past one in the afternoon—but he’d rather be chopped into little pieces and get swallowed up by the earth.
He was supposed to go back to the dorms the previous night, but he needed some time to deal with his shame before facing Val and Theo.
He had fucking cheated. He had done exactly what he’d accused and gotten mad at Kaj for doing. It was why they’d fallen apart. Because after that, he couldn’t trust him anymore. Because he felt so worthless, humiliated, and hurt, he simply couldn’t continue, no matter how much he’d loved him. But he had let that man trap him in his web of deception and lust.
Now he didn’t know what to do or how to feel.
Had been there something lacking in their relationship that made Kaj fuck his stepbrother? Based on what his friends and mom had told him, Noah tried to convince himself that he wasn’t the problem, that what his ex had done was only on him. But what if he really wasn’t enough? What if for Kaj, there was something missing? Not that there was any good reason to betray someone, but what if he’d lost sight of reality forjust onesecond and let desire drive him just like it’d happened to him last night?
The worst part now, however, was trying to decide whether he should tell Zach. It would be selfish to ease his guilt by hurting him, but at the same time, it would be unfair to not tell him the truth.
Fuck!
Angry at himself, Noah turned over and buried his face in the pillow. How could he have been so stupid? Soeasy? Regret. Fear. Self-consciousness. It all meshed in one big fucking lie.
A knock on the door distracted him from the turmoil in his head. “Noah?” Mom called. “Are you okay? Need anything?”
“I’m good, just not feeling like getting up,” he said hoarsely.
“Too much to drink last night?” she asked, peeking her head through the door. “I could prepare you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Some iced tea or any other cold soda?”
“Nah, thanks.”
“You sure you’re... okay?” She entered the room and froze with the dishcloth in her hands and a contorted expression on her face. “What the hell happened to you?”
“Hm?”
“Noah, your face! You got into a fight? Is that why you didn’t go to the dorm last night?” She approached, but he turned away. “I assumed Theo had kicked you out to have some privacy with his date or something. Then he texted this morning because you weren’t there and he couldn’t reach you... but this?” She paused, allowing him time to explain, but he didn’t. “What did you get yourself into?”
“Nothing.”
“Noah…” Her tone was still warm and understanding, but there was a hint of exasperation in it, too.
