“It’s just a forty-five-minute drive.”
“I’m wide awake. Don’t worry,” Kurt reassured him, shaking the empty Red Bull can in his hand.
“See? We’ll be fine. Besides, that way you can all sleep here, in actual beds and not on the couch or the air mattress. I’ll come again in the morning. I promise.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
“Sleep tight, baby brother.” Jesper hugged Kaj tightly, rubbing his back and burying his nose in his hair.
“You too.”
Once Jesper and his friends left, the four teens went upstairs. After spending another thirty awkward minutes in Kaj’s bedroom, pretending they were busy checking their socials but really just mindlessly scrolling, Val and Theo said good night and moved next door.
Under different circumstances, they all would have slept in the same room, probably fooled around until sunrise, like they always did. But Kaj was not in the mood for a pajama party. It was amazing that Jesper could read the atmosphere so easily and let them use his bedroom, which was usually off-limits to them. He didn’t like it when they touched his things withtheir greasy paws.
Noah and Kaj stripped down to their underwear, lying in bed as silence once again floated in the air, weighing them down like water in their lungs. It was one in the morning, and although the temperature was still warm, the nocturnal breeze made it easier for exhaustion to kick in.
Before he could turn around and hug Kaj, though, Trine knocked on the open door. “Hey, guys. Do you need anything?”
Noah waited for Kaj to answer, but he didn’t.
“No, thanks, Mom.”
“Well, then... I’m leaving. I managed to make Katja eat a little, and she’s fast asleep now. I’ll come back in the morning.”
Noah’s heart splintered.
He didn’t want Trine to spend the night alone after losing her best friend, one of the few people who had never judged her past or questioned her decisions. But he had to stay. Kaj needed him.
“Good night, Mom,” Noah said. “I love you.”
“I love you, honey. And you, too, Kaj.”
Silence.
“Good night, boys.”
She left, but Noah waited until he heard the door shut before rolling on his side and dragging himself closer to Kaj.
At first, Noah thought he was already asleep. It wouldn’t be that strange after the day he’d had. But as soon as he embraced him from behind, Kaj’s hands grabbed his forearms, and a gasping sob escaped his mouth. It was weak for a few seconds but slowly became uncontrollable weeping as he broke into a million tears.
For the last two weeks, Noah had tried to stay strong, to be a lifeline and not a burden. But finally putting a sound to Kaj’s grief, hearing the unspeakable love and desolation in it, was like shreds of glass slicing through his flesh.
Noah tightened his arms around Kaj’s clammy chest and tangled their legs, curling into a ball. As if that would keep him in one piece. As if that could take the pain away.
He held Kaj for as long as their bodies allowed them before exhaustion crept in, and together, they faded into a blissful limbo where nothing changed and nothing hurt.
Eleven
“Don’t you walk awayfrom me,” Katja said, voice rising above normal. “I’m trying to help.”
“I don’t need your help,” Kaj retorted in the same volume.
“I get you’re hurting. I am too, but—”
“You know nothing.”
Noah froze with his finger hovering over the bell. He had never heard them talk to each other like this. So, he just stood there paralyzed. The weather was harsh today, windy and colder than the previous days, but he’d rather die here than face whatever was going on at the Larsens’.
