“How are you? Is there something I can do foryou?” Noah asked, approaching him.
“Not really.”
Noah had no idea what to do in a situation like this. When Grandma died, he didn’t have to comfort anyone because he was the one with the broken heart. But now... He was angry, mourning, and conflicted, but above all, he was lost. How was he supposed to act? What was he supposed to say? There wasnothingthat would ease Kaj’s overwhelming grief and get him out of this weird, cold state he was in. Not a joke. Not a kiss. Not even time. And that was killing him.
Noah sat beside his boyfriend, making his body bounce and lose balance as they sank into the beanbag. Neither of them fought it, though, which was good. At least Kaj wasn’t rejecting him.
“Ugh,” Kaj grumbled, shifting a little to get his phone out of his pocket.
“What is it?” Noah asked.
“Jesper. Jesus. He’s been breathing down my neck ever since the festival, texting me every day, sending me songs, memes, and shit. It’s like I’m his new favorite toy or something.Look at this,this made me think of you,I think you’ll like this.” He mimicked his brother’s voice, rolling his eyes as he pocketed the device again. “And since my dad was in the hospital, he’s been areal pain in the ass. Like, dude, if you have anything to say, just come up here.”
“He must be worried and wants to give you some space.”
“I don’t need his pity, or yours.”
“I haven’t said anything.”
“I know, but all you say lately isI’m sorry.”
“Because I don’t know what else to say.”
“Nothing you say is gonna bring him back, is it?”
Kaj was angrier than Noah had ever seen him, but he couldn’t blame him. That was why he didn’t take his harsh responses and mood swings personally. He was hurting. Noah had been there, done that. No one could even begin to imagine how painful the hole in his chest was.
“I know. Sorry.” Noah tucked his hands between his thighs, afraid to touch him, and stared down at his feet. It was strange how his brain tried to avoid reality by fixating on the stupidest things, like how his white socks contrasted so much against the navy-blue carpet.
Minutes ticked away, heavy in their hearts as the shadows moved on the floor and silence wrapped around them.
It’d been coming. Nikolaj’s situation was beyond critical when he was in the hospital. The doctors had said so. Kaj and his family had seen it when they visited Nik—nobody else was allowed in the room. However, they’d all still held onto hope. That ruthless tormentor that bred in your soul, only to immolate itself. A disaster of epic proportions that left nothing but fatal consequences.
“Can you hug me?” Kaj asked out of the blue.
Quietly, Noah did what he had to do, what he had been aching to do for days. They shifted uncomfortably in the beanbag chair, and he embraced him.
They stayed there, with Kaj curled up in Noah’s lap, for God knows how long. His right hand was tingling, and the musclesin one of his legs were all sore. But honestly? He would have remained there for all eternity if that was what his boyfriend needed.
“You look good in a suit,” Kaj mumbled.
Noah smiled with sadness. “You do, too. But don’t ask me to dress up anymore.”I don’t wanna go through this again. Can’t stand seeing you like this. “It’s so uncomfortable.”
Kaj let out a weak snort. “It is.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m good, considering. Happy you’re here.”
“Of course.” Noah caressed him, running his fingers through his hair and brushing them over his eyebrows, nose, and cheekbones. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
“Thank you.”
“No need.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You don’t even need to think about that because I’m not leaving you. Ever. I love you, Kaj.”
