“That sucks.” Marc didn’t know what else to say. Didn’t even want to speak. This was the first time Chris was showing him this vulnerable side, and he wanted more. More of the real him, of his pain, and this emotional side he kept hidden most of the time.
“Yeah. We had massive fights about everything; when I didn’t text back right away, when we went out”—Chris flicked a finger between him and Marc—“and I hadn’t told her beforehand… After a few months, we reached a point where she was mad at me more times than not, so she ended up breaking up with me because she said it was only a matter of time before I cheated on her with so many sexually unhinged people fluttering around me.”
“That’s bullshit. You were so fucking smitten with her.”
Marc knew what it was like to have a jealous girlfriend—his last partner had been like that. But he remembered clearly the stupid smile his friend had on his face every time he received a message from Emma, and how nervous he got every time she was coming to Munich. Always eager to see her, show her new places and, of course, fuck her brains out. Though now that Chris had mentioned this… He hadn’t seemed as excited during the last six months of their relationship, more like anxious.
“Yeah.” Chris lifted a shoulder. “The funny thing is that it wasn’t the first time she had doubts about us or my feelings for her.” He drank again. “When I had the balls to actually voice my concerns and told Leah about the possibility of me liking guys, too—I think I was seventeen—she suggested I talked to Emma, which I did. You know what her answer was?” He gazed at Marc out of the corner of his eye.
The bassist shook his head while taking a swig of his drink.
“‘Does that mean you don’t like me? Am I not enough anymore?’” Chris snickered. “We were super young, so I kinda understand the fears she had back then, but it struck something within me.” He sighed. “I can’t gauge exactly when it happened, but at some point, I started distancing myself from everyone that wasn’t her or the band. Like…” He bit the inside of his cheek. “Like I didn’t want her thinking I could betray her. I loved her and wanted her to trust me and feel safe around me, so I unconsciously shut away all those itches I couldn’t scratch and that felt so fucking wrong. I mean, I made her cry!”
Marc’s soul contorted.
To have your first love making you feel so guilty for something you couldn’t control, for something that wasn’t a fucking choice, was fucked up. He didn’t know Chris had gone through such heartbreak. Ten years of friendship and this was the first time he was hearing about it.
He didn’t blame Emma, though. The poor girl probably hadn’t known how to cope with it, which was understandable. That period of life was confusing enough as it was, and having her boyfriend saying he might be into guys, too, must have felt like a slap across the face. But it was tough either way. Forcing yourself to bury what you want deep down to reassure the ones you love could only fracture you into thousands of pieces.
What else was he keeping inside?
“Anyway, that shit became a habit after a while. A place for me to stay far from all temptations. Especially with the homophobic comments my father and some colleagues used to make.”
“Your dad?” Marc’s eyes widened. He knew he wasn’t an angel; had cheated on his mom, but homophobic? He’d never heard about this either. Not that Chris talked a lot about his old man, though.
“I’ve heard worse, but even if I was never really fond of my father, his words affected me a lot. I think having him discrediting queer people every time something was mentioned anywhere didn’t help with my already big-ass confusion.”
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” The bassist lowered his head, looking at the almost empty beer bottle he held tightly against the crook of his knee.
“It is what it is.”
Silence fell between them for a few moments. All they could hear was the distant sound of cars driving down the road on the other side of the window, the soft melody they were making reminding them of the sea.
The anger Marc was feeling before was completely gone. He hated that them being a thing wasn’t a possibility anymore, but loved that Chris had trusted him enough to confide in him like this. It’d helped him comprehend better where he was coming from. Why he was so afraid of his own desires. Why he didn’t want to risk their friendship and lose each other in the process if things didn’t work out the way they wanted.
He respected that and this man a lot more after such a confession. It certainly couldn’t have been easy digging up his past and retrieving all those painful memories. Not for someone like Chris, who spent his life avoiding emotional conflict. Though Marc kind of understood why after this conversation.
“Thanks for being honest with me,” he finally said, an invisible force clawing at his heart as he looked at Chris again. “At least now we can move on and go back to being just friends without all this awkwardness between us.”
“What?” The guitarist turned his head to him, frowning. “Who says I want to go back to that?”
“Eh… I’m lost.”
“I wasn’t telling you all that to shut you out, Zimmer. It was just so you understand where I’m at.”
“And that is…”
“I never thought I’d be into dicks. Still not sure I am, but it’s different with you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Marc asked, needing to hear him say it.
“That I’m not ready to make any of this public yet. Not even sure if or when I’ll be ready for that.” Chris turned completely, folding a leg on the couch and resting a palm on Marc’s ankle, thumb brushing over it. “But I wanna keep exploring whatever this is I’m feeling… If that’s okay with you?”
A spark flared up in the bassist’s chest and the clouds fogging up his mind disappeared as fast as the dense atmosphere surrounding them.
“I mean, it’s your life. You can do whatever you want,” he said with a serious expression, resting his temple on his fist again, but in reality, all he wanted to do was grin from ear to ear. If it was okay with him? Fuck, yeah.Use me all you want, baby.
“Stop playing dumb. You know I meant exploring it with you.”
