As I glanced down at my rumpled pajamas, thinking about the little-used makeup on my vanity table, I almost smiled at how different we were, until her spoon clinked against the side of her mug, and I remembered what I was doing. Not just evaluating every inch of my daughter but trying to carefully get around to discussing the shifter thing.
“School’s good?” Lame, but I couldn’t help it. There was no easy way to ask a kid if she had noticed herself turning into Roger Rabbit under the full moon. Or any other time. I’d shifted the other night when there wasn’t a full moon. I made a mental note to ask Tabi about that.
“Yep.” One of her brows lifted in a silent challenge as she sipped her coffee. And I knew I wasn’t going to get much out of her. She’d pulled out the not-in-the-mood-to-share tactics of one word, one syllable answers.
But still, I had to try. “You dating anyone new after that last guy?”
Maybe because I didn’t ask often, and she didn’t tell, she stopped, cocked a brow again, and sighed. This wasn’t admiration for my finding the courage to ask. This was apprehension in its coolest, almost full adult form.
“Jeez, Mom, you’ve never been married, never had a relationship that survived the morning after. Why would you even think I would ever talk to you about a relationship?” She wasn’t angry. Didn’t say it to hurt me—although it did. She was just being sensible in her way of thinking. That didn’t stop it from hurting like she’d slapped my face. It took everything in me to suck in a deep breath and keep my voice calm.
“Till—”
“Am I wrong?” She put a hand on her hip and stared. If I’d said she was wrong, she would’ve accepted it. Probably.
But as a policy, I didn’t lie to her. So, I shook my head. “I had a relationship with your dad.”
Tilly’s dad had technically been my high school sweetheart. Although the wordsweetheartdidn’t quite fit. He’d been the one guy who asked me out in those sensitive years, and he and I had enjoyed each other’s company, for the most part. He would spend his time out partying and getting into trouble, then take me out for a movie, or hang out with me in the park. Even then I’d known it wasn’t the perfect relationship, but it felt like everyone else was desperate for a boyfriend, so I should be too.
In those years, I was trying to find myself even more than I was now. When we’d started sleeping together, it hadn’t been because I had some deep desire to be with him, it just felt inevitable. That’s what people did after they were together for a length of time.
To me, he and I had always been on a path to break up, but it’d made sense at the time. I had no desire to end it until he did something terrible that made mehaveto end it. But he hadn’t done anything terrible. He also hadn’t been attentive, or romantic. We didn’t have anything in common, and I’d known he drank, smoked, and did drugs. It had felt like we were living our own lives until we’d come back together to hang out again.
And then one night he got drunk, got into his car, and died.
I’d been sad, but not heartbroken, although I had felt guilty about not feeling heartbroken. Until I’d found out I was pregnant. And then, instead of Elijah being my first love, who wasn’t my finest choice, who wasn’t the smartest of boyfriends, he was the dead father of my child, and knowing my unborn child had lost her father did break my heart.
“We cared about each other,” I added when I saw she was still staring. “It was a real relationship.”
“But since then?”
I didn’t have the heart to argue with her. Except maybe she needed to know. “No, I’d never introduced you to a guy, but I did date. Quite a bit. It was just none of the guys ever felt like stepfather material, or someone I couldn’t live without, so when the relationship naturally progressed to meeting my daughter, I’d end it. Every time.
She stared at me, her mouth slightly open. “Fine, Tilly, but just know I’m here for you or if you just want to talk.” We both knew that wasn’t likely, but it was my parental duty to offer.
She sighed. “I know, Mom.”
“And you can tell me anything.” I emphasized each word. “Even things that sound crazy. Or stupid things. I was once young and crazy.”
“Sure, you were.” Again, her words weren’t mean, but we both knew I’d never been the one to get into trouble, to party, or find myself in trouble. Her father, yes. But not me.
Maybe if I had been, she’d confide in me now, but I couldn’t turn back time.
“Just…I’m here for you. And even though you think I’m old and stupid, you might be surprised how much I can help you.” I cleared my throat. “Even if you met a sexy vampire, or whatever.”
She rolled her eyes. “Vampires? Seriously, mom? I’m not a teen obsessed with sparkly vamps.”
“Right,” I said, with a shrug, not detecting anything suspicious in her response. Were the ladies simply wrong about my daughter? Had a bunny shifter gotten into her room? “Just…anything, is what I meant.”
“Got it. If I fall in love with a hundred-year-old vampire, you’ll be the first person I’ll tell,” she said with a smile. I wanted to ask her where she was headed on a Sunday morning. It certainly wasn’t somewhere wholesome like church. That much I could easily predict.
After she chugged out the door with her backpack on one shoulder and the remainder of her coffee forgotten on the counter, I sat at the table and replayed every detail of last night in my mind. Everything from the Fascinators, to bunco, to tequila, to the off reflection in the lake, to running home through the forest. Naked. And that was a detail I wouldn’t have minded forgetting.
One picture rolled into the next, but it occurred to me that my wallet and purse were still at Esther’s. I couldn’t leave them there. Even though the clothes were shredded, no way was I braving the line at the DMV to replace my lost driver’s license.
After I changed from my pajamas to slacks and a summer sweater—I was dressing for my destination more than the weather—I walked over. By the time I arrived at the gate, I was panting a bit, more from nerves than from actual exhaustion, though.
I pushed the button on the box at the gate and waited for someone to answer. But no voice called out to me before the gate slid open. The security measures weren’t very secure at Casa de Esther. And thank God. I just wanted to get my stuff and get away from there.
