And he did. He stood, but kept his head bowed. "You were not to find out my interference," he said. "The only way I could do it was if you never knew it was me."
"Why?"
He lifted his gaze to meet my eyes. "I could not bear your pain, not for another cycle."
I cocked my head at him, taken aback. I hadn't expected that. "What pain?" I told no one of that agony. I rarely even considered it myself.
"You bury it deep, but I am Sandalphon. I feel the pain of every mother that loses a child or does not bear one when she wishes to. I experience the trauma of every fetus’ death, even when the babe is immediately reborn and given life. It is my curse and my blessing."
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. "You felt my pain?"
"Yes, Mother." He used the honorific usually only heard in Hell. They all believed I was the mother of the demons. I wasn't, of course. I'd done some experimenting with my blood and other Fallen blood, but that had just made stronger demons, not new ones. It made me more mysterious and unapproachable. More regal. I loved it.
"And you decided to do something about it?" I glowered at him, not sure if I was going to throttle him or hug him. He'd created an intensely complicated situation, but could I really be upset about being pregnant?
"Yes, Mother." He bowed his head again.
I needed him to talk and acting like a snot wasn't getting him to do it. I relaxed back in my chair and sighed. "Oh, do sit down, Sandalphon. Tell me the whole story."
He looked between Michael and me as he wrung his hands and considered if he should sit. Michael pointed to the chair and raised an eyebrow.
Sandalphon sat under the scrutiny of us both. "I don't experience the pain of Archangels or Fallen. Of course, if you were all Archangels and there hadn't been the Fall, you could have children. And there are Nephilim, so angels mating with humans has been known to happen."
"Nephilim?” I knew this before, but wanted to prompt him for more information.
Sandalphon grimaced again. "Yes, but that is a big secret."
Michael shrugged. "I knew. Go on."
"When you're human, I keep a close eye on you, as I do all angels in their Human Cycles. I want them to have children and that fulfilling experience as humans if their lifespans permit. I have a sense of sorts. I can tell when they'll be here long enough to raise a child. If they are going to end up abandoning it with their deaths, I don't allow the pregnancy to happen."
That was appalling. "You have that much say-so over a pregnancy?"
He nodded. "Sometimes. It takes a great deal of power, so I rarely interfere. Usually only with angels in their Human Cycle or with the occasional exceptional human."
"Usually, when you are as human..." He swallowed visibly before continuing. "You are not going to be here long enough to allow a child. I've endured your pain with you every life cycle, every five hundred years, for a millennia. But this time? Oh, this time I was so excited."
"But how did you manage it? I'm cursed," I exclaimed. "God cursed me when I fell. I would never reproduce."
Sandalphon blinked several times. "I don't know about when you're an angel. I don't have dominion over the angels in that way. But when you're human, you're not cursed. I have prevented the pregnancies because each of your life cycles has been short. I assume because Lucifer's are short."
"You're telling me I could've had children all this time, but I would've died and left them without a mother?" All this time, I could've found a way to take care of them. Given them to good people who wanted children but were unable. It would've been heartbreaking to not raise them myself, but it had to be better than the pain of never being able to conceive no matter how badly I wanted it.
"Yes, of course. That is the way of our Human Cycles." He looked bewildered. "Surely this is common knowledge?"
I looked at Michael with amazement. "I certainly didn't know that," I said. "Did you?"
He shook his head. "Man, you gotta start telling people this shit. They might not want you interfering in their Human Cycles."
"Oh, no, it is an edict from God. I am to strictly control the pregnancies." He looked terrified at the thought. "I have no choice."
"Why would he interfere in this way?" I mused.
"It is his way of making sure the angels do not disrupt life on earth. Plus, the children of human Angels are extra special. More capable. Stronger, faster, smarter. Not enough to make them stand out, but enough that it could influence the natural progression of humans if too many of them were on Earth and adding their genes to the mix."
I shook my head slowly and rubbed my belly as Turtle kicked and rolled inside me. "Wow." I replied, stunned.
"I'm so sorry, Mother." Sandalphon dropped his gaze again. "I thought I was making your dreams come true."
