He swallowed hard, his expression miserable. “I didn’t lie. At the time, what I told you was true. It had been so long since I’d felt physical desire that I thought that part of me had died.”
She dragged on her robe and wrapped it around her shivering body. “Yet after a mere three days, you’re . . . you’re . . .” She choked, unable to say how molested she’d felt.
“Believe me, I did not expect this to happen! And certainly not so soon.” He climbed from the other side of the bed and pulled on his robe, keeping the broad bed between them.
“You said you’ve felt younger since our marriage. So have I. Like a young man in springtime.” He drew a deep breath. “Our first night together I realized that desire was returning. I was shocked and concerned because I knew this wasn’t what you wanted, but I thought my willpower was strong enough to control my reaction when I was with you.”
“You were wrong!”
He grimaced. “Obviously my body is not so disciplined in sleep.”
“I noticed,” she said bitterly. “I speak not as a nervous virgin, but as a woman who has been the victim of male desire far too many times.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, his expression agonized as he absorbed her words. Opening them, he said in a rough whisper, “As I said once before, we can have the marriage annulled. The legalities won’t be pleasant, but it should be possible since the marriage hasn’t been consummated.”
She stared at him, feeling as if she was being torn in half as she thought about his kindness, his companionship, his understanding and humor—and his lust. “I don’t want to end the marriage,” she said haltingly. “I want it to remain the marriage of companionship we both agreed to.”
“That’s no longer possible,” he said reluctantly. “I swore I’d never force you to do anything against your will and I’ll keep that promise. But it means no longer sharing a bed. I can’t sleep with you and not respond.”
She shivered again. They’d both enjoyed that physical closeness so much. But no matter how good his willpower was during the day, he obviously couldn’t guarantee the same restraint when he was asleep. “You’re right,” she said painfully. “I hate the idea of separate bedrooms, but . . . it’s the only way.”
He nodded unhappily. “I’ll leave, but now you need to get back to bed. You look like you’re freezing. I’ll build up the fire.”
He was right that she was shaking with cold, though it wasn’t only from the winter night. Keeping her robe and slippers on, she climbed back into the bed and rolled onto her side, pulling the covers over her like a cocoon.
The fire flared as Simon added more coal. Then he pulled a heavy quilt from the chest at the foot of her bed. He shook it out and spread it over her for extra warmth.
“Thank you.” She stared at him bleakly, knowing they were equally miserable. “I’ll miss sleeping with you.”
“And vice versa.” His smile was crooked. “For a brief time, we had the marriage we planned on. I wish it had lasted longer.”
Needing to know, she asked, “Are you sorry that you’ve recovered desire?”
He hesitated. “Yes, because it has wrecked the marriage we had planned and both enjoyed so much. But also no, because I feel fully alive. A whole man again. I hadn’t realized how heavy my spirit had become until you began to lighten it.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I wish I was different.”
“Don’t apologize. We’ve dealt honestly with each other and you have nothing to apologize for. But . . .” His voice trailed off as he regarded her, his brow furrowing.
“But . . . ?”
“People change. It’s inevitable. I changed rapidly and rather disastrously, but you might also change. What seems repellent now might come to feel . . . less so. Can you open your heart and mind to that possibility?”
She bit her lip. She loathed the thought of sweaty, violent, panting male aggression. Of fear and bodily invasion and helplessness.
But this was Simon, who was unlike any man she’d ever known. Simon, who was honest and kind. “Perhaps that might be possible,” she said haltingly. “But it’s almost beyond my imagination.”
“If your feelings ever change enough that you’re willing to allow marital relations, perhaps we might have a child,” he said softly. “That’s worth some risk, isn’t it?”
She closed her eyes against the pain. “In all my years of marriage and then life in the harem, I never quickened. I think I’m barren.”
“But you can’t know that for sure.”
“Gürkan sometimes used . . . devices,” she said in a choked voice. “They hurt. I think they . . . damaged me inside.”
“Dear God!” For a moment Simon’s hand clasped hers in wordless shock. Then he swiftly let go. “No wonder you want to avoid men,ma chérie.You have been treated abominably.”
“I don’t blame all men for the crimes of a few,” she whispered. “But you see why I told you that I was no longer fit for marriage.”
