“Fine, I promise. Now can you stop being weird?”
He gives me an encouraging smile before slipping out of my room. Seriously, older brothers.
I work on my homework, then Ryan and I spend the entire evening talking on the phone and texting. I help him a bit with his school stuff, but he’s not really interested, and I don’t want to push him. I hope he’ll pursue something in art after he graduates high school. He’s really so, so talented.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Artemis
We’ve moved into March and the weather is a little nice today. So after school, Ryan and I decide to go to the nearby park to read and discuss the book he stayed up all night devouring.
We find a secluded spot and drop our backpacks to use as pillows. Then we settle down, where Ryan wraps his arm around me, tucking me close to his chest. Did I mention he smells good? And he’s so comfortable. My eyes shut.
He gently taps my cheek. “Are you sleeping?”
“Mhm. Did anyone tell you that your chest is so comfortable?”
“No. Can’t say that anyone has.”
I laugh, then sit up. “I really like you.”
His hand goes to my hair, where he smoothes it down my back. “I really like you, too. Sorry I can’t be more…”
I shake my head. “It’s fine. I mean, I just want you to smile, but I know you need time for that.”
He nods, pressing his forehead to mine. “I want to smile. To laugh with you. I want to show you just how much you mean to me.” He sighs. “But I can’t. It’s like something is holding me back.”
I take his hand. “That’s fine. Like I said, we’ll go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.” I lie back down and he does the same.
We read and discuss the book, but I notice his mind isn’t really here. “Hey.” I touch his arm. “You okay?”
He brushes his hand through his hair, staring at the space in front of him. “My mom would have loved you.”
“Would have…? Where is…I mean, what happened to her?”
His tortured eyes flit to mine, then back to the space before him. “She…they…” He shakes his head. “I…”
I place my hands on either side of his face. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”
“But I want to. I want you to know everything.”
“We have time for that.”
He shakes his head. “Maybe once I tell you about it, I can be free. Happy. I can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I could be a normal boyfriend to you instead of a brick wall.”
“Ryan, you’re not a brick wall. I see so much in your eyes, when you let me.”
He nods slowly. “And I want you to see so much more. I want to finally feel something else other than pain and guilt and anger all the time.”
I don’t know what to say, so I hug myself at the cold that’s not due to the wind.
“Six weeks ago, I went to a party,” he says in a monotone. His gaze is still fixed on the spot before him. “I was the best soccer player on my team. Was popular, went to every single party. That night, I went to a party like I normally did, didn’t think anything of it. But when I got home…” His Adams apple bobs as a hard swallow makes its way down his throat. “When I came home, I found my house on fire. And my parents…my parents were trapped inside.”
I grab both his hands, my heart skipping a beat as tears fill my eyes. “Oh, Ryan.”
“Firefighters couldn’t find them. The flames were too strong. I was sure they were gone. I couldn’t stop yelling.”
I squeeze his hand.
