"I know." My voice sounds distant even to my own ears, like someone else is speaking through my mouth. "I know it's good. So why am I terrified?"
"Because it's real now," Jade says, his demon understanding of complex emotions surprisingly insightful. He crouches beside Skye, his tail curling around my ankle in a gesture of comfort. "When it was just a dream, you could imagine it going perfectly. The reunion you deserved, the answers you needed, the father who would explain everything. Now that it's actually happening, you have to face the reality that it might not live up to your expectations."
Jade has a point. I've imagined meeting my father a thousand times, lying awake at night practicing what I'd say, how I'd react, what questions I'd ask first. But none of those fantasies accounted for the messy reality of two decades of separation. The questions that won't have satisfying answers. The hurt that can't be magically healed just because we're finally in the same room.
"What if he doesn't like who I've become?" I whisper, voicing the fear that's been lurking beneath all the others. The black threads pulse stronger at the admission, feeding on my uncertainty. "What if he wanted me to be something different, someone better? What if he looks at me and sees chaos instead of balance?"
"Then he's an idiot," Stellan says firmly, his fire flaring with protective fury. "You're incredible, Rumi. You're powerful and kind and brave. Anyone who can't see that, anyone who looks at you and sees anything less than amazing, isn't worth your time. Father or not."
My other mates echo fierce agreement. These five Magila who've become my family, who've shown me I'm not the chaos I feared but the balance I hoped for, who've loved me exactly as I am with all my divine complications and dark threads and uncertain heritage. They're what matters. They're what's real.
But I still want to meet my father. Still need those answers about my mother, about my demigod nature, about why he stayed away even though Dmitri's contract only prohibited him from directly interfering in my life. There has to be more to the story. There has to be a reason that makes sense.
"Tomorrow at dawn," I say, pulling myself together with effort. My power settles back into something resembling balance, though the black threads are slower to calm. My wings fold against my back. "We leave tomorrow. All six of us."
"Actually," Ambrose says carefully, his tone suggesting he's been thinking about this, "I was thinking maybe just three of us should go. Leave Skye, Stellan, and Jade here to protect Phoenix Sanctuary while we're gone. The Council observers could arrive any day, and Dmitri's followers might see our absence as an opportunity to attack again. We can't leave the sanctuary undefended."
Mixed reactions flood into me, concern, possessiveness, confusion, and the desire to keep us altogether. But underneath those instinctive reactions, understanding too. Ambrose is right. Phoenix Sanctuary is still vulnerable, and we can't all leave at once. Not with Dmitri still out there planning his next move.
"Harlow and Ambrose with me," I decide, thinking through the logic. "Harlow because his death-sight will help us navigate dangers during travel, and because his Champion nature might be useful if we run into Dmitri's followers. Ambrose because we'll need his contracts for communication and protection. The rest of you stay here and keep the sanctuary protected."
The separation is going to be awful. I can already feel the pull, the physical discomfort that comes from being away from my mates for any length of time. We've been together constantly since bonding, our essences intertwined so deeply that being apart will feel like missing a limb.
But it's necessary. Some things are more important than comfort.
"How long will you be gone?" Skye asks, his hand finding mine and squeezing tight. His power flows through the contact, a reminder of the connection that will persist even across distance.
"Two days, maybe three," Ambrose estimates. "There and back, with time for Rumi to get his answers. We won't linger."
Two days feels manageable. Three at most. I can handle that.
"Okay," Skye says, even though I can sense how much he hates this plan. He's swallowing his own needs for my sake, putting my desire to find my father above his instinct to keep us all together. "But you check in through Ambrose's contracts every few hours. And if there's trouble, any trouble at all, you come straight back."
"I promise," I say, pulling him into a hug that tries to communicate everything I'm feeling. Love. Gratitude.Determination. He receives all of it, accepting it, loving me anyway.
"Whatever you find out," Jade adds, his demon voice carrying an edge of threat directed at the universe rather than at me, "whatever your father tells you, it doesn't change who you are to us. You're our mate. Our balance. Our Rumi. Nothing he says can take that away."
Tears prick at my eyes. I send a wave of love to each of them individually. Five responses come back, each one unique, each one exactly what I need.
The rest of the day passes in a blur of preparation. Ambrose writes travel contracts until his hands cramp, building protections and communication links. Skye coordinates with Tamara on maintaining sanctuary operations in our absence. Stellan and Jade practice defensive formations with the students.
And I spend every spare moment with my mates, soaking up their presence before we separate. Memorizing the feel of each connection, so I can hold onto it during the days apart.
That night, all six of us pile into our shared bed. No one sleeps much. Stellan's fire keeps reaching for me, as if trying to anchor me in place. Jade's hunger wraps around all of us possessively. Skye's power hums with protective worry.
"I'm going to miss you," Stellan whispers into the darkness, his body pressed against mine.
"I'm going to miss you too," I reply, wrapping my wings around as many of my mates as I can reach. "All of you. Every minute we're apart."
"But you need to do this," Skye says softly. It's not a question.
"I need to do this," I confirm. "Need to meet him, get those answers, understand where I come from. Understand why these black threads keep growing in my essence."
Jade's hand finds mine in the darkness, squeezing tight. "Come back to us. That's all that matters."
Morning comes too quickly. Harlow, Ambrose, and I stand at the sanctuary gates with travel packs and enough contracts to keep us safe. The sun is barely up, painting the sky in shades of pink and gold. My three other mates are there to see us off, and the goodbyes are harder than I expected.
Stellan hugs me so tight I can barely breathe, his fire clinging to my divine balance. "Promise you'll come back."
