My dad pulls away immediately, clearing his throat as Alexa walks into the room, dressed in her favorite color, yellow. She looks tired… thinner and nervous as she holds her hands in front of her. Offering me the brightest smile she has to give, followed by a squeak. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I reply softly, sitting upright and pushing the blanket off and standing to my feet as she greets my father, too. When he turns on the lights, I can see the look on his face when he looks at her, making me feel the knife twist in my heart once more. I know that look; that’s apity. He doesn’t say anything else and quickly steps out of the room, leaving the two of us alone.
“I can’t believe it, Iz. Can I hug you?” she asks, her voice breaking.
I open my arms with a small smile. “Bring it, Blondie.”
She stumbles into my arms, her slight frame trembling as she wraps her arms tightly around me. Her tears soak through my white t-shirt, but I don’t mind. A deep sigh of satisfaction leaves her lips, her voice warm as she whispers in a hushed tone, “I missed you so much… God… you’re both alive.” Her words break into a small sniffle. “I spent days looking for you both. Ronnie is so…” She chokes. I caress her back, trying to ease her pain. Her words hammer down on me, guilt rushing over me like a wave.
“It’s okay,” I murmur into her hair, regret already knotting my stomach. “We’re out now.”
She pulls back slightly to look at me, searching my face for something. I meet her gaze, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I thought you guys were dead. I gave up hope,” she sobs. “I’m so sorry, I felt so guilty that night for leaving. Maybe if I had stayed, it wouldn’t have happened. I just couldn’t pretend anymore.”
I pat her back comfortingly, trying my best to keep my own composure. “It’s okay, really… We are here now. Alive,” I say softly, offering a weak smile. She pulls away, tears already shimmering in her icy stare. “Alive, but not well. I see it. I know you well enough to know that whatever you two went through was horrible.” She gives me a nervous smile. “This sounds fucked up, but I’m glad you too had each other.”
I nod in agreement. Wishing I could share her relief, feel the happiness that’s sparked in her eyes, but all I feel is an overwhelming ball of emotions. I can’t pinpoint how I feel. Everything just feels wrong. Even being so close to her feels wrong when all I can think of is Ronnie. The only place I want to be is the one place I know I can’t be. Alexa wipes her tears with the back of her hand. “I'm just so happy that you’re here,” she says, trying to smile through her pain. It’s a genuine smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. There’s too much pain there. It’s like she can sense the shift, the end of us… the end of this situationship. My hand reaches out to caress her cheek. “I’m sorry.”
She leans into me, my touch soothing her. We don’t speak. The fragility of the moment is almost unbearable. The sort of silence that screams volumes, the one that unfurls a thousand unspoken words. And as much as I hate what I’m about to do, it is something that’s long overdue. “Thank you for everything, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you deserve.” I cup her cheeks in my hands, forcing her gaze to meet mine. “You deserve someone who loves you, who worships you.”
She smiles. “And that man isn’t you…”
I shake my head, confirming her conclusion.
“I guess I’ll get going.”
I nod, squeezing her hand as she turns away, slowly moving towards the door.Don’t look, Blondie. Don’t make this harder. Keep walking,I think to myself. Despite my thoughts, my eyes follow her to the door, tracing the curve of her back and the sway of her steps. Thankfully, she doesn’t look back, sparing me the look of sadness and the pang of pain in my chest as I break her heart yet again.
1. My God. That's your sister.
Chapter Twenty Eight
Veronica
“Mommy, I’m scared.” My hold grows tighter around the blanket as Mommy looks down at me. “Shh… Don’t be scared, VeVe. Mommy is here. Just listen, do this.” She places the soft headset over my ears, making sure to hit play on the cassette. Music fills from inside. Selena's “Dreaming of You,” fills my ears. Daddy is mad again. And he’s drinking grown-up drinks. Now Mommy cries. I hate when Mommy cries. My stomach turns, and my heart runs faster and faster. Mommy needs a friend. Someone who can make her smile.
Don't make her hurt.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The steady sound of a machine greets me as my eyes slowly flutter open. My gaze lands on my mother, who sits quietly reading, and Max, who sits thoughtfully beside her. My mouth feels dry, and my throat burns with thirst. I scan the room, taking in the clean and sterile environment, filling my lungs with the smell of antiseptic. Tears build behind my eyes. I could cry again, but I’ve done too much of that. So I just lay here pretending to sleep, not wanting them to notice I’m awake. I’m so tired of answering questions. Of thinking. I simply want to exist. Or at least find a way. A familiar tightness settles in my chest, making me swallow harder… faster. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for what I did. I killed a man… I only return the favor. He killed me long before I ended him. The only problem was that it didn't make it any less torturous.
The blood I bear on my hands is proof of that. I can still see it, like a stain I can’t wipe off. Feel it, like a tangible wound festering. Infecting me with its rot. Smelling the metallic tang left behind, lingering within reach. It doesn’t help that all I want to do is crawl beside Iz and hide in his arms. Being away from Isaac is truly unbearable. Silly of me to think I could ever walk away. He’s become essential for me to breathe.
The truth is that I died in that basement. Sure, my heart is beating, but what’s missing is my soul. I stir, causing my mother to jolt from her recliner chair, dropping the book, “Play Dirty,” by Luna K Wicked, from her lap. Max turns his attention away from the window to me, a small smile curling on his lips, and my heart drops.
I feelnothing.
My mother is the first to speak. “Hi, beautiful.”
I can feel my eyes go round, filling up with tears at the softness of the voice. How it instantly makes my muscles relax, and all I manage to mutter is more like a sob. “Mommy.” My mother cups her mouth with her hand, her eyes glistening with emotions as she carefully approaches me, as if I could shatter at any moment. Little does she know that all I am now is nothing but fractured pieces. I’m just a girl in need of a mother. My body tenses with her embrace until serotonin floods my brain. “Mom–” I sob. “Mommy.”
“My VeVe…” She cradles me in her arms, settling my head on her chest. Her perfume surrounds me like a womb, the steady rhythm of the heart fills me with warmth that spreads through me like wildfire. I shift to the side to make room for clinging to her as she sits beside me in the hospital bed. “I’m so happy that you are alive. You’re alive,mi niña.” She sobs as she wraps her arms around me. Insects crawl beneath my skin, pulling me out of her safe bubble.No. Mommy, I’m scared.My mind screams as my body goes taut from the contact. I want to be happy, to feel that joy she feels, but the feeling doesn’t arrive.
My arms fall to my sides. This feels so foreign now, something that felt as natural as breathing now feels so unnatural and wrong. So unfamiliar thatit pains me, and my reaction only causes my mother to cry harder. Max turns away, trying not to see whatever is left of me.Can he feel it? Does he sense the end of us?I want to say he doesn’t, however, something tells me that’s not the case. He’s waited for me all this time, and still, I couldn’t choose him. My mouth sours, feeling the dull pain in the back of my throat that spreads through my chest like heavy weights. I wish I could go back in time and not drag him along. If I could do it all over again,I would do everything differently.
