Trying to keep my sanity is costing me so much of my humanity. I wish I could turn it off and really not feel anything at all. But I feel it all… There are a lot of things I don’t know anymore, like the time or what day it is. Everything has become a blur of lost hope and defeat. A smile curls on my lips as I watch Iz’s face smooth out, and for the first time, I let a memory wash over me.
I stop in my tracks when I find a very drunk Isaac passed out on my bed. A black cloud amongst a sea of teal and zebra print. The sight is enough to make my heart beat, so much so that I can feel my pulse in my throat. I drink him in; there’s nothing special about what he’s wearing. It’s just a Linkin Park band tee and basketball shorts. Yet the sight makes me tingle all over. My lips lift into a sideways smile when I notice him cuddling Mr Bear. I notice his headphones are still resting on his ears when I approach. I have a million questions that all seem insignificant now. With him lying there, his beautiful face peacefully still, my hand twitches with the need to touch him, to trace the outline of his lips. Itdoesn’t matter how or when he got into my room and passed out on my bed. I close the door and quickly lock it. If our parents caught him here, they would flip. Still, I can’t help the desire to move closer, to feel his touch. His breath.
Slowly, I saunter towards the bed, taking my time as I admire a sleeping Iz. Without thinking, I grab his headphones, already hearing the guitar and low voice of Staind singing the lyrics to “Outside,” and place them on my own ears. I crawl in next to him. His arm instantly takes hold of me. My heart races as his warmth engulfs me, his scent intoxicates me, and he drowns me. Turning my body to face his, I watch him sleep peacefully as he holds me, forcing myself not touch him… to not explore him. So I just lay there, scared to move, not sure if I’m even breathing. Feeling the warmth of his breath on me, smelling the faint hint of whisky, mint and weed. Then his hand moves. Leaving my waist, it travels upward and stops right under my jaw. His hand tightens, and then his eyes are on mine, and his fingers softly remove the headphones.
“Hi,” I whisper.
He searches my face as if trying to piece together how he ended up here. I swallow hard, unsure of what to say or do next. The tension between us is palpable, the air thick with unspoken words and unexplored feelings.
“Hi,” he says.
“Are you okay?”
Isaac nods slowly, his hand still lingering under my jaw. His thumb moves gently back and forth, causing a shiver to run down my spine. “I think so,” he replies, his voice husky with sleep. “I don’t remember much… just bits and pieces.” I hold his gaze, feeling a rush of emotions swirl within me. This moment feels fragile, like a delicate thread that could snap at any second. “Did I do—” I stop his words with a shake of my head. A definite no. “Good,” he replies.
“You shouldn’t be here, Iz,” I whisper.
“I can’t help myself,” he murmurs, his breath warm against my lips.
Holding mybreath, I brace myself for the softness of his lips. I close my eyes, savouring the closeness between us. Every nerve in my body is alive with anticipation, with the desire that has been simmering beneath the surface for so long. “Is it okay if I kiss you?” Isaac asks quietly. I should say no, I should really run, but I don’t. Moistening my lips, I whisper softly, “You want to kiss me?”
“Mmm…” he hums. A thousand thoughts race through my mind, blending with the intoxicating scent of him, the sound of our mingled breaths. “I always want to kiss you.” His words resonate deep in my soul. Butterflies dance in the pit of my stomach, making me feel breathless and lightheaded. Overwhelmed with the pull between us, undeniable and all-consuming. “Can I?”
“Yes,” I breathe out, barely able to form the word.
Isaac’s lips brush lightly against mine, a feather-light touch that sends a jolt of electricity through me. It’s tentative, exploratory, as if he’s testing the waters. But as soon as our lips meet, something shifts between us. Desire flares to life, fierce and wild, as Isaac deepens the kiss. Our hands find each other instinctively, fingers tangling in a desperate grasp. Time seems to stand still as we lose ourselves in each other, the world outside fading away into insignificance.
“Ronnie, baby, are you home?” Mom calls out, snapping us out of our kiss.
And me out of my trance. Isaac, who is now very awake, is sitting upright with his eyes glued on me, confusion etched on his face. “You okay?”
I nod.
“Daydreaming. Remembering,” I manage to say as I stretch my legs and roll my neck. Sleeping on a hard concrete floor is no fun. My body screams and aches, but it’s nothing compared to what he might be feeling with a wound on his leg. “How’s yourleg?” I ask.
He looks down at his leg as he stretches it. “It’s feeling better. Whatever Priscilla is putting on it seems to be working,” he says with a small smile on his face.
“Good.”
“How are you?”
I sigh.
He asks me this every day, and every time, my heart sinks. What am I supposed to tell him? Well, today, I’m not being raped, so that’s good. I watched you fuck the woman who kidnapped us, and I don’t know what to feel about that. I’m just numb. Or maybe, I don’t know about using my womb to make her a baby, but hey, that’s cool too. But none of that is fair. We’re both victims, and I’m just angry. Not at him, but at our situation. I just can’t help the bitterness that consumes me, that invades every cell in my body. Replacing fear with complete despair. “I’m surviving,” I finally respond, my voice gruff and tinged with sadness. “Just trying to make it through each day, same as you.”
Isaac nods in understanding, his gaze never leaving mine. We’ve been through so much together, bonded by our suffering and our need for each other. It’s the only thing keeping us sane in this hell we call life.
“We’ll find a way out of here,” he says. “We’ll get out of here. Believe me. ”
I force a smile, hoping that it will offer some comfort to both of us. Do I believe it? No. Yet, he needs me for his own sanity; he needs me to be here with him. So I lie. I join in on his delusion. On his hope, because that’s all I have left. “Yeah, we will.”
The truth is, I don’t know how we’ll ever escape. The odds are stacked against us, and all we have now is each other. That thought alone makes my heart ache, but I try to push the feeling away. I’ve decided to survive in this hell. I have to do what Iz does and escape. Allow my body to feel, and my mind not to think; maybe things wouldn’t be as painful, and maybe I would be allowed some clean clothes. Maybe a shower. I can smell myself, and it’s not pleasant. Moments like this, I’m happy we are at opposite ends of the room because I stink. I’m sure he does as well. There’s no sugar coating, no way to find any solace.
“A penny for your thoughts.”
A small laugh escapes my lips. “You have a penny to spare?” I raise an eyebrow, noticing the small grin that appears on his lips, causing his dimple to appear on his cheek. It’s been a while since I saw it. The sight sends a warm wave down my spine.
“Aww, come on, don’t knock my jokes. But seriously, what’s on your mind?”
