I wanted my dress to be a big reveal moment for the women, so that I could get their pure, genuine reactions. Just know that my mom wasn’t the only one standing there, fighting back tears. Literally, all the women were, having our MUA, and her two assistants putting in overtime, giving out q- tips, so that the women wouldn’t ruin the make-up that they worked so hard on doing.
“Ma, pleaseeee. I don’t want to mess up my make-up,” my voice cracked, and I picked my hands up, and started fanning my eyes, trying to keep tears from falling.
Mind you, I had just given myself a pep talk, saying that I wouldn’t cry when I got in front of the women, showing them my dress because I wanted to wait to shed my tears when I got down to the ceremony. That pep talk was going right out the window when I saw my mom getting emotional.
To know my mom is to know that she wasn’t an emotional person at all. My mom was tough. Life made her that way. She had to raise two girls on her own, so her skin was so thick that she would hardly show her emotions. The months leading up to my wedding is the most that I’ve ever seen her cry in my entire life.
As little kids, she would always tell Temperance and I to hold out on having kids until we found a good partner. She didn’t want us to go through what she went through with us. I didn’t fully understand it when I was a little girl, but when I became an adult, it hit me all the sacrifices that my mom made for Temperance and I, which is why I loved this woman the way that I did, and why she could forever get anything out of me that she wanted.
“I know. I know. I’m just so happy. My beautiful daughter,” her voice cracked again, and in this moment, I could sense that my mom needed a hug from me, so in this long, heavy dress that I was wearing, I walked over to her, lifting the dress.
Once I was in front of her, I wrapped my arms around her, and she did the same. You could hear sniffles in the distance, so I knew that the women were getting choked up over this moment that we were having.
“Okay. Okay. I’m going to get it together,” she said, two minutes later, and pulling away from me.
I tilted my head back, and I was using my hands, fanning my eyes, still trying to keep my tears at bay. Patrice, who was my make-up artist, she was quick to come over to me, and she was fixing my make-up, while one of her assistants went over to my mom, so that they could fix her up as well.
“God, you look so beautiful Toni,” Brandy said, coming over, standing right in front of me, looking just as beautiful in her bridesmaid dress.
My dress was custom. I wasn’t a designer by far, but from the very beginning, I had an idea of what I wanted my dress to look like. I knew that we were going to be having a wedding that was over the top, but with that, I wanted a dress that didn’t really do too much, but at the same time, you could be able to look at it, gloat, and know that it was something that I didn’t just walk into a store and purchase. I wanted my dress to be a subtle statement, letting people know that it was custom, and even though it wasn’t too dramatic, you would still look at it, and know that I paid a pretty penny for it.
I loved a fully beaded gown, so that’s what I went for. It was an off-the-shoulder, kind of mermaid silhouette dress. These days, everywhere I go, people have been obsessing over my body, especially since I gave birth to a child that wasn’t even one yearsold yet, so with that, I wanted this dress to hug me as tight as it possible could, showing every curve that I was working with.
The neckline of the dress was a deep V cut, that I loved because it gave grown woman with elegance, and that’s the look that I was going for. Christian Louboutin just happened to have a fully beaded white heel that matched the gown perfectly that I was wearing, and even though my heels couldn’t be seen because of the long flow of my dress, it was still a perfect pair.
Now, the hair? The hair was the star of the show. I decided to do something a little different. My hair was still in it’s short, blonde stage, but instead of the pixie, I decided to do finger waves, and it was to die for. Literally, since my stylist finished my hair, I had been getting compliment after compliment in the room.
The bling from my wedding band was damn near blinding. There were diamond earrings in my ear that hung low, dangling, matching perfectly with my dress. My ring, and the earrings in my ear were the only jewelry that I wore. I didn’t need to wear anything else. The face, the hair, the dress, and the make-up was a statement in itself, so I didn’t have to be overly dramatic with my jewelry.
All the women surrounded me, letting me know how beautiful I looked. Even my niece, who had been talking trash all week, saying that she wasn’t going to cry, was over here, fighting back tears as well, standing here, letting me know how beautiful I looked. I have no idea why Brooklyn convinced herself that she wouldn’t cry when she was the type to cry if it was too cold outside, and she left her jacket in the house. She threw fits about the smallest things, so I knew that she would be the first one in tears.
“I want to wake her little butt up. She missing out on everything,” Karina said to me, pointing her finger to Lani, who was laying on her back on a couch, with pillows surrounding her.
She was already dressed in her pretty white dress, and she sat still earlier, allowing my mom to put two puffs in her hair. My baby looked adorable, even with her sleeping, missing out on everything.
“Let her sleep. She gotta get all her rest for the after party. We gotta turn up,” I said to Karina, and she laughed, knowing that I was telling the truth.
“Oh baby, I can already tell that you’re going to show your ass at that reception,” she commented.
“Me, and my man. I plan to do the absolute most,” I voiced, meaning it.
The photographers that we had in the room called us all over, so that they could start taking pictures of us. We took pictures for well over fifteen minutes.
“We’re going to step out and give you some privacy. There’s an envelope sitting right there on the table. It’s from Steel. He wanted you to read it before the wedding starts, so we’ll step out, so that you can read it on your own,” Karina came over to me, after we’d finished taking all the pictures.
She pointed over to the table, where there was an envelope sitting, and I’m not sure if it was just placed there, or if I had just been too distracted, but I didn’t see that earlier.
Goosebumps appeared on my body, wondering what could have possibly been inside the envelope.
All the women left out of the room, leaving me inside with just one of the crew members that was shooting for our reality show. I walked over to the table, where the envelope was sitting, and I pulled the chair out, so that I could take a seat. My hands were shaking, as I tore through the envelope. There was a folded sheet of paper inside. It was Steel’s handwriting. His perfect handwriting. I remember when we first met, and I told him that he had perfect handwriting for a man.
His words took up more than half the page. Taking a deep breath, I went ahead, starting from the top of the letter.
Because I know you, I’ll start this off by telling you to relax, take a deep breath, and you can stop shaking, and trying to over analyze this shit. I know how you are. I know that you’ll allow your brain to go completely left and will overthink the fuck out of something. This isn’t that. This isn’t some letter to humiliate you, and to run off like a coward, leaving you stranded at the altar. This isn’t that, baby. You should know me well enough to know that I would never do no shit like that to you. This letter is just a boost. Some confidence to give you before you walk down the aisle. I know you, so I know your nervous. Shit, I’m nervous. Not nervous in a way, where I feel like I’m making a bad decision though. Just the nerves that come around any time you do something new… something big. That kind of nervous.
I know that we wrote out our own vows, but it’s shit that’s so personal, and deep when it comes to you, that I would rather not say it in front of everybody. I feel like this kind of stuff solely belongs to me and you. You came into my life, and you saved parts of me that I didn’t realize were broken. I was going on, detaching myself from people, out of fear of being left alone again. I got fears, baby. I know that I often walk around with my head held high, and a lot of people have this persona of me, that I’m the cockiest nigga in the world, but I’ll be truthful, and let you know that my biggest fear in life is something happening to you, or my kids. I don’t have fears of our marriage not working out though. I know that I’m going to put my best foot forward and be the best husband to you that I can be. I have no doubt that you’ll do the same.
My world don’t spin without you. The way you carry things like running the house, staying on top of the kids, you do it as if it’s second nature. I know a lot of times that men are tooprideful to let their spouse know that they need them, but I’ll never be too cocky in myself, where I can’t let my wife know that I need her. It ain’t a want to have you in my corner. Toni, It’s a need. I gotta have you here with me.
