A giggle spills out from the storehouse of emotions I’ve held back for so long. That he's here, and I'm here—the whole situation is unbelievable. But also not. Jacob always finds me. Somehow he always manages to be there when I need him most. “I think maybe it is.”
“Then I don’t want to wake up,” he says.
I don’t know how to answer that. “I’m sorry I woke you up. I just need to find my passport and then I’ll go.”
“Go? Go where? Why do you need your passport?” He slides his legs off the edge of the bed.
“Back to school.” I know that’s not what he’s asking.
“Tonight?” The concern on his face is familiar. “Jess, did you drive all the way here this late, and now you’re going to drive all the way back?”
“Yes.” I set my chin. This whole interaction feels familiar. My wanting to do something I know is dumb and probably dangerous, Jacob telling me I’m being an idiot.
“I can do it. I’m not even tired.” But as soon as I say it, I am tired. More than justI packed all day and drove five hours in the middle of the nighttired. I’mthe entire world has been weighing on me for solong,and I just want to curl up in a ball and make it go awaytired.
“You are tired.” He stands. “At least get a few hours. I’ll go down to the couch or...”
“I don’t want to kick you out of your bed,” I say.
He laughs. “Actually, you’re kicking me out of your bed.”
“I guess you’re right.” I don’t have the energy to do anything else, so I sink onto my bed.
He sits beside me. “You want to talk about what’s going on, Jess?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why are you driving home in the middle of the night to get your passport? Why are you sneaking in and trying to sneak out? Why didn’t you tell anyone you were coming home?”
I open my mouth to tell him that’s none of his business, but a strange compulsion to tell him everything takes over. “I was going to go away. Actually, I guess I was going to run away.”
“Was?” Jacob says.
“Yeah. I told Michael I would go with him to Korea. He arranged an apartment and plane tickets and everything. We’re leaving Sunday. I quit my job, quit school, packed up my apartment, and then I realized I didn’t have my passport, so I came to get it.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” There’s no judgment in Jacob’s voice, only concern.
“I thought it was.”
"Thought?"
I recognize the hesitation in my voice. “I have this really obnoxious roommate. She’s a psych major, and she keeps getting after me to do counseling. She thinks I have issues I need to work through. Basically, she thinks I’m crazy.”
“And what do you think?” Jacob asks.
“I told her I’m fine. I have a good job, I get good grades, I have a guy who wants to fly me halfway across the world and pay for an apartment in another country, so we don’t have to be apart.”
He puts his hand over mine, but the gesture isn’t romantic, not like when he kissed me before. He’s not asking me for anything. I turn my hand over and thread my fingers through his. “I didn’t ask you what you told your roommate. I asked you what you thought.”
“Oh, that?” I force a half-crazed smile. “I know I’m crazy. The problem is, I don’t know how to be un-crazy.”
“But you think going to Korea with Michael will help?” There’s still no judgment or jealousy in his voice. It’s like he’s taken on the role of big brother again, a role I hated for him, but one that feels right.
At least for now.
“I thought it would.” There's that hesitation again. I'm doubting every motive I had for running away, even the idea that I'm trying to protect him. I'm still afraid, but with him beside me, that fear seems like something I made up.
“And now?”
