I’m suddenly angry. I slam my hand against the steering wheel. Damn her. Does she think she’s the only one hurting? Does she think she can just toss everything we had aside? Just toss me aside?
I scan the note again, count out the bills—one thousand dollars even. Rental for my car, I guess. I search the envelope. She didn’t return the earrings. Stupid how that makes me feel better. Stupid how it makes me feel like she's holding onto some piece of us, some reason to talk to me again.
thirty-four
Asking
I’m getting out of my gear when the phone rings. I hate how my heart leaps every time I see the Roberts’ name come up on my caller ID. It always takes a second to remember she doesn’t live there anymore.
They’ve been more than decent. They’ve had me over for dinner a couple of times. It was weird at first, but I’m getting used to being at their house again. I’ve almost stopped looking for Jess when I’m there.
This time it’s Tyler. “Jake, do you hunt?”
I used to hunt deer with my step-dad and I guess I spent the last year hunting insurgents in Iraq. “That depends. What are we hunting?”
“Chicks,” he answers. I can picture him rolling his eyes. He’s starting to act like a teenager again. “Deer. We’re hunting deer. Next Saturday. Dad wanted me to invite you. We start early, but Dad says you can stay here.”
“I don’t have a gun. At least not one I can hunt with.”
I know he’s rolling his eyes again. “I don’t think we’re short on guns around here. I’m sure you could borrow one.”
“Sounds like fun.” Something to divert my attention away from thinking about Jess or remembering Iraq.
Mrs. Roberts is shaking her head. I finally brought myself to ask the question that’s been eating me up. WSU, where Jess is going to school, is only five hours away. I keep wondering if I should get in my car and head over there, talk to her face to face, maybe get some answers.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Mrs. Roberts says. “She needs time right now. This has affected her more than any of us.”
This.She can’t even bring herself to say it. I don’t push for more.
Maybe I can get more from Tyler. I approach him casually when he’s distracted, playing video games. “Hey Ty, how’s it going?”
He shrugs and doesn’t look away from the screen.
I try again. “How have you been? How has your family been since...” I’m a coward. I can’t say it either.
“Since Matt died?” He says it. His voice is flat, emotionless.
I sit by him. Consider putting my arm around him. Pull back. He’s still playing the game. “Yeah.” I say quietly.
“How’s your family?” he throws back.
“Surviving.” The only answer I can give him.
“Us too.” Still no emotion. He could probably play this game in his sleep for the effort he’s putting into it.
“What about your mom?”
He shrugs again. “She’s doing okay.”
“What about...” I can’t say her name either. So many things I can’t bring myself to say anymore.
He pauses the game. Turns to face me. “Look, Jake, I’m not a little kid anymore.” She used to say that to me all the time. “If you want to know something about Jess, just ask.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath. “How is Jess doing?” There. I said her name.
He looks down. Studies the couch. “Not good.”
“Not good?” I’m hoping for more.
