Michael steadies me with a hand on my shoulder. “Gage’s parents?” I nod. He steps forward to talk to Steve.
I back away and push through an opening in the crowd. Slowly at first and then almost running. I don't stop until I’m outside. I slide down a cement pillar and sit on the stairs. I can’t breathe. I haven’t had a panic attack for a long time, not since Brad went to jail. I don't think I can stop the one that overwhelms me now.
My vision clouds. I’m falling into a dark tunnel. A voice comes from the other end. “Breathe. Breathe. Blow out. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
I grasp his voice first and then his hand. Slowly I emerge from the tunnel.
“Jess, are you okay?” Michael is holding me. I don’t remember where he came from, how long he's been beside me, or even how long I've been here. “You scared me. No one knew where you went.”
I pull back from his embrace. It feels too tight.
“Are you okay?”
I want to scream at him. I want to tell him that nothing is okay and it will never be okay again. I shake my head and suck in enough breath to answer him. “I had..." breathe in, "...I had to get out of there.”
He nods. “It will take time. A long time to heal. You need to be patient with yourself. I wish I could stay with you, help you throughit, but I’ve used up my leave time. The Army has been pretty understanding about the situation, but I have to leave from here. I can’t go back to Washington with you. I can’t even come to the funeral. I’m sorry.” He puts his hand under my chin. His touch suddenly makes my skin crawl. "Call me whenever you need me. Anything, anytime. Okay?”
He leans forward and kisses me. I don't have the strength to push him away, but I can’t make myself kiss him back.
He keeps his hands on my shoulders. “Do you want me to walk you back inside?”
“No. I don't want to go back in there. I need—” But I have no idea what I need or who could give it to me.
“I can find your mom...”
“No.” I practically yell at him. I want him to go. I want him to leave me alone and to stop touching me. Somehow I let things go too far between us. Somehowwe crossed a line, and I don’t know how to pull things back. “I just need to be alone.”
"If you're sure." He stands. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He pulls my cell phone out of his pocket. “I’ve been keeping this for you. Sorry. I think the battery is dead.”
I take it from him and stare at it like I don't remember what I'm supposed to do with it.
"Remember, anything, anytime." Michael kisses me one more time, then he walks away. After he disappears into the crowd, I lean forward and put my head in my hands.
I still can’t cry.
I sit there for a long time before I feel another hand on my shoulder. I look up as Steve sits down beside me. I barely know Steve—Gage’s real dad and Jacob’s step-dad. He was in special forces, so he was goneall the time when we were growing up. “How are you holding up, Jessica?”
I sit up. He always makes me feel like I need to sit up straight, pay attention, say “yes sir,” and “no sir.” Jacob said that all the time, even before the Army. “I’m okay.”
He leaves his hand on my shoulder. “This is so hard on you kids. It’s been really hard on Jacob. I'd appreciate it if you wrote to him. Gave him some support. I have a feeling it will mean more coming from you than coming from me.”
I nod. I wonder if he saw Michael kissing me. I wonder what he thinks.
He stands up and helps me to my feet. “Your family means a lot to us. Your parents took care of Trina and the boys when I was away so much. I’m so sorry about Matthew. He was a good man, a good soldier.”
I should say something about Gage. That he was a good friend. That he could always make me laugh. The words catch in my throat. I can only say, “Thank you.”
thirty-two
Existing
Istare at my computer screen. There are twelve emails from Jacob. Four voice messages on my cell phone that I didn’t get because Michael was keeping it for me. I haven’t answered any of them.
Matthew has been gone for seven weeks. I’ve been back at school for five. At first I wasn’t going to go back, but after a week of existing in a house over-crowded with memories, I fled to the emptiness of an apartment where Matthew had never been. Kendra hasn't come back.
I’m way behind, so I’ve put my focus on school. Cold, logical facts in my calculus and chemistry classes are easy. Anatomy is harder. I keep imagining what happened to Matthew and Gage when their Humvee exploded.
I run every night. I push myself to the absolute limit so I can sleep. It doesn’t help. Food has no appeal for me now. All of my clothes are too big, but the idea of shopping for something new is beyond my ability to deal with.
