Jess,
Again. I’m sorry. Please write me back and say something. Even if it’s that you hate me and you don't want to talk to me ever again. I wasn’t lying to you. I should never have been with Laini. She’s a controlling little snake and apparently vindictive too. I never loved her. I only love you.
Please write me back.
I love you,
Jacob
One more, really short.
Jess,
I’m sorry. A thousand times. I miss you. I love you.
Jacob
I stare at the blank screen, a sick pit in my stomach. I can't believe I ever thought Jacob would hurt me. Why did I let Laini get to me? Why did I let Jacob see my stupid insecurities?
I waited so long for him to notice me and made so many stupid mistakes along the way. Even with all of that, he stood by me, first as a friend and then as more. I never dreamed I'd ever be able to hurt him. I don’t deserve him.
I take a deep breath and write him back.
Jacob,
I’m the one who needs to be sorry. I believe you. I trust you. I love you. I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. It was all so stupid.
I’m sorry I didn’t answer sooner. Your emails just came, and I wasn't sure if you wanted to hear from me.
I work to keep it light.
I was in Texas at Matt and Gage’s deployment ceremony. We went to a barbecue at your mom's uncle's house afterwards. I think we ate a whole cow. I got to meet Nate’s girlfriend. Yikes! Maybe we can chalk it up to temporary insanity. I hope it’s temporary.
It was so hard to send Gage and Matt off. Kendra couldn’t stop crying. I know how she feels.
I’m sorry we got in a fight. I’m sorry for everything.
I look at that “everything” for a long time. I wonder if I should tell him everything that I’m sorry for; if I should confess to jumping out of a plane with Michael, in case he hears about that somehow too. It would be too much to explain in an email.
I close the email with a bunch of “I love yous” and “I’m sorrys”.
Jacob doesn’t have to know about anything that happened with Michael. What happens on the tarmac after you jump out of an airplane stays on the tarmac.
twenty-two
Blurring the Line
I’m actually relieved when Michael calls. He's not mad at me. He barely mentions the jump. Mostly, he talks about getting ready for med school. He's hoping the Army will let him go to the University of Washington via a military scholarship, but likely he'll be across the country at the Uniformed Services University in Maryland. In the meantime, he's still at Fort Bliss as part of something called rear D or rear Detachment, because the rest of his unit is deployed.
It's nice to have someone to talk to. Communication with Jacob, even via email, is always sporadic. My roommates have busy social lives, and Kendra is in full wedding planning mode. I relax and let my friendship with Michael grow. It’s not like I’m going to see him again anytime.
The invitation comes on embossed stationery with gold writing, no picture. I’m invited to the whole thing—rehearsaldinner, wedding, reception. I barely know Michael’s sister Kandice. To be honest, I barely know Michael.
I don't mention the invitation to Michael, but he brings it up casually a couple of weeks before the date. “Don’t worry about the RSVP for my sister’s wedding,” he says. “I already told Mom you’d be there.”
It annoys me that he just assumes I’ll be there. I’m not sure how to tell him that. I’m quiet long enough for him to notice.
“You are going to be there, aren’t you?”
