“I’m sorry to hear that.” He doesn’t sound sorry. “That must be so hard for you. I’m kind of in the middle of a breakup of my own.”
A twinge of unwelcome jealousy hits me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’d been dating anyone.”
He laughs. “Not a person. The Army. I’m done with the Army.”
I don’t know whether to offer sympathy for that or not. He sounds more relieved than anything. "What happened?" I say instead.
“Completely out of my control, actually. Turns out I have a heart condition, nothing too serious, just enough to earn a medical discharge.”
“Now what?” I ask.
“I think it’s called getting on with my life. I’ve finally been accepted to the University of Washington Medical School, so I’ll be in Seattle.”
“That’s great; congratulations.” I lean back on my bed, the constant knot in my stomach loosening. It’s good to talk to Michael as a friend, with no guilt.
“It means a lot more years of school and paying tuition on my own, but I can handle that. At least I won’t owe the Army anything when I’m done. What about you? You have to be close to being done with school.”
“One more semester.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know. I’ll look for a job. I’m thinking somewhere out of state, maybe farther.”
“Why so far away? I thought you liked it here. Your family is close.” He hesitates. “In a couple of months I’ll be closer.”
“It's a long story.”
“Sounds like something we should discuss over dinner. I’ll be in Seattle in a couple of days, taking care of some details at UW. If you’re free, I’d love to see you. You could come up, or I could drive down.”
“I’m not home. I’m–” I stop myself. I’ve been careful not to tell anyone where I am, but Brad doesn’t even know Michael exists.
“Still in Pullman? I could make a quick trip to see my family. I’m sure they’d love to see you.”
“I’m not there either.”
“What’s going on, Jess?” His voice is rich with concern. “You sound stressed. Are you working too much, or is it the whole thing with Jacob? He’s a complete moron for letting you go; I hope you realize that.”
I don’t want to talk to him about Jacob. It feels disloyal, even if we aren’t together. “It’s a lot of things.”
“It sounds like you need some time away from everything, a good meal, and a friend to talk to. Name any place in the state of Washington—no, any place in the world and I’ll take you there, even if it’s just for dinner and friendly conversation. I miss you, Jess.”
His offer is incredibly tempting. It strikes me that Michael could be the solution to all my problems. He has the money to take me away from here. He’s out of the Army. I could try things with him again, see what it would be like if there was nothing holding me back.
I take a breath. “You’re incredibly sweet as always. You’ve been such a great friend, but I can’t.”
As good as he’s been to me, as good as he obviously still wants to be to me, I can’t accept Michael’s help. I can’t pretend I’m in love with him, even if I know it will make him happy. Even if it might save me.
There’s a long silence on the other end. Finally he says, “Because you're still in love with him.” There’s a hard edge to his voice that I’ve never heard before.
I don’t have the words to explain, or deny, or confirm what he already knows. He’s right. Not that it makes a difference now.
“I’m sorry, Michael. I hope you have an incredible life. You deserve it. But please, for your sake as much as mine, don’t call me again.”
I don’t wait for his reply. I hang up, then turn off the phone and put it back in the drawer. I promise myself I’ll have it disconnected tomorrow.
seventy-five
Jacob: Thinking of Her
