Later that night
I was stupid and left the front door unlocked, and Roscoe burst into the apartment wearing the creepiest human latex mask I’d ever seen. It had wiry black hair with random bald spots and deep wrinkles around the eyes and mouth. What made it even more horrifying was the fake nose protruding well past what the material was meant to handle, giving the ‘human’ face an overexaggerated caricature quality. He’d covered the rest of himself in stitched-together potato sacks which did little to conceal his monstrous shape—oh, and his tail was still out and wagging away.
“What the fuck?” I yelled out, running over to the door as an older, white-haired woman ambled unsteadily through the narrow, outside corridor of the complex. She pointed and let out a scream.
“Jesus, lady—” Before he could finish, I slammed the door shut.
“I don’t even know where to begin with this,” I said, my tone exhausted. “Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you prove me wrong.”
“You like it? The community theater was just throwin’ it away.” He held his arms to the side, his right hand closed as though holding something. “Give me one of them black frocks and a yamaka, and I could give a Derashah at the synagogue downtown.”
My mouth hung open.
“It was a joke. You know, my grandma was Jewish.”
“I thought you said you were Italian.”
“I did?” He scratched his head. “Yeah, okay, that sounds right.”
“You’re not Italian, are you?”
He took my hand and placed something metallic into it before backing away and letting the nightmare fuel he wore fall to the floor in the corner.
I looked down at solid gold hoop earrings. “Oh, come on. You couldn’t have gotten something a little less…this?”
“They’re perfect.”
“They’re hideous.” I picked them up with my fingers, and they began to glow. “This is so creepy.”
“Yer gonna look so damn hot.” Roscoe walked over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer. “My buddy said to bring you down to his place ASAP before you get too wolfy.”
“I thought we’d do it next week.”
“Can’t. If we wait too long, you’ll heal too fast, and he says it’s too much of a pain in the ass then. He can’t put studs in like normal, so he’s gotta put yer kuu on directly.”
“I don’t know what any of that means,” I said, my stomach knotting. “I really think I should look at more werewolves.”
“Here.” Roscoe grabbed his dirty, orange hoodie off the floor in the corner of the room and pulled a folded sheet of paper fromthe pocket. “Since yer so damn anal about everything, I made one.” He handed it to me, and I dropped the kuu earrings on the countertop.
“All right, let’s see how you measure up.” My eyes rolled the moment I started reading the sloppily written profile.
Dick reeeeal huge. Like bigger than everyone else.
I like food, beer & sex. Prefer to have them all at the same time.
I jerk off in front of someone else’s phone every month, and I kick annoying drunks out of bars for money.
I don’t wear pants and never will.
My baked ziti will make you cum.
I stopped reading. “Prove it.”
“Prove what? You’ve already seen my dick.”
“The baked ziti.”
Roscoe flashed another grin, wagging his tail as he walked toward the kitchen. “You sure? Kuu signs are one thing, but this might actually make you fall in love with me.”
