Even if it’s with someone else.
“Jordan, I completely understand. You don’t have to explain yourself. We’ve known this all along. This was just…” I force a smile he can’t see, “…we’re just helping each other out, right? It’s fine.”
He peeks at me under his arm. “Kenni…I’m so sorry.”
“Stop. Don’t be sorry. Come here.” I motion for him to come lie next to me. “You’re fine. It’s all fine. I promise. Okay?”
“Okay.” He places a kiss on my cheek, and we lie in bed next to one another for a few moments until his exhaustion catches up to him and he falls asleep.
But I don’t.
My breaths are short. My eyes fill with tears I’m desperate to hold onto. My body trembles as I try not to let it all out. He needs to know he’s completely safe with me, regardless of the fact that Isomehow caught goddamn feelings for him during all this.Fuck my life.I sneak out of bed and hop in the shower;I cannot let him see me like this. I can’t let him see me completely broken.
The minute the water hits my skin, the tears my eyes have been desperately holding onto fall uncontrollably down my face. I’m ugly crying over my own stupidity for falling for this ridiculous, stupid guy. He’s too young. And too funny. And so damn sweet and actually not stupid at all. He lights up my whole damn world. I slam my palms over my mouth, desperate to stifle my sobs. I want him to have the most special moment ever.He fucking deserves it.He cares for everyone. He has the kindest, most gentle heart, the most enthusiastic spirit. He makes me laugh like no one ever has before.
Why the hell am I crying about this? I wanted to help him. I have helped him. I thought he’d let me help him with this one last step, too. My throat goes dry, my body collapsing in on itself.Does he not want me to be that person?His forever?
“Goddammit. My fucking stupid friends were right,” I whisper to myself. I’ve totally fallen in love with this guy, and now I’m not sure if he loves me back.
Fuck.
I lean back under the water as I take a deep, calming breath. Let’s assess my options. Lists and plans never fail to calm me down.
Option 1: I let him go, get through this fake dating thing, and move on.
Option 2: Tell him my feelings and face possible rejection.
Option 3: Drink some gin.
Option 4: Stay in the shower and never leave.
Option 5: Google if it’s weird to drink gin in the shower.
Option 6: Move to New Zealand and start a new life.
Option 7: Figure out if they have gin in New Zealand and how soon I could fly a plane there.
Option 8: I could?—
Before I can fully form another thought, the shower door opens and arms band around me so fucking tight I can’t breathe. Just like in the arena earlier today, but this is even more intimate, even tighter.
“Kenni, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I fucking love you so much, and I never want you to cry because of me ever. Never ever. Please forgive me; we can go fuck like rabbits right now if it means you’ll never cry over me again.”
My breath hitches.Did he just say what I think he said?He loves me?Holy shit.
“What did you say?” I whisper, my voice raw.
“I said, please forgive me. Come on, let’s go back to bed; we can do whatever you want. We can fuck like porn stars all night long. Just…please don’t be upset…I can’t take it.”
I take a step back, my eyes finding his through the steam. He’s so upset—I don’t…I don’t think he realizes he said it.
But I heard it.
“Have you been crying?”
“I mean, yeah. When I saw you were crying, I…” he chokes, wiping a tear from my face as we stand under the spray of the water.
I can hardly breathe.He said he fucking loves me. I want so badly to say it back, because I fucking love him too. But an idea pops into my brain, setting a plan in motion that I have to see through.
