My knuckles go white, holding onto her hand like a lifeline I’ve never had before. One I didn’t realize I desperately needed.
“We hired the PR company Hannah had just joined and came up with a plan. The video was already out—there was nothing we could do about that—but we could pay Angelica a ridiculousamount of money for her silence. A sex video online created a playboy image, so we made it seem like I did this all the time and that someone just happened to film me and leak it to the media.” My laugh is jaded, years of masks and press forcing me deeper into the cushions. “It’s not that I’m embarrassed to express my emotions. But…being an enforcer, I had a reputation I felt like I needed to keep up. Be the big tough guy everyone was afraid of. The draft was a couple months away, and a long, drawn-out trial would been a terrible look for me, my family, and exposed us to way more than a celebrity sex tape. Shit, we’ve all seen those. Luckily, the playboy persona played right into the image I was trying to project. And the PR team thought this was the best thing for my career, so we just…leaned into it.”
“You keep saying they thought this was the best thing. Did you think it was the right decision?”
My heart flutters. No one has ever asked me if I thought this was the right thing to do. No one has ever asked me how I felt.How can someone who has just seen through the cracks in my mask see what I’ve been hiding for so long more clearly than anyone else?
“No. I wanted to tell everyone she was lying. To make a statement. But I was barely out of high school; I didn’t know what the fuck was the right thing to do. And, right or wrong, I made the decision to go with it. Ididhave a choice. Was it the right one?” I shrug. “I’m not sure. I’m not sure I’ll ever really know.”
Talking about all this has the anger that’s been slowly burning deep inside reigniting like a fire with a fresh log thrown on top. I grit my teeth. The flames that were almost out are now at full height and eager to burn the world down. But a soothing motion running across my hand sends a calming chill through me as Kennedy rubs her thumb along mine.
“Did you love her?”
“No.” I shake my head with a huff, shifting my gaze to our hands. “I only said it because I felt like I had to say it back. I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing, but I knew somewhere deep down I didn’t love her.” I lift my eyes to meet hers. “She wasn’t the one.”
It’s almost ironic that the person I am falling in love with is the one comforting me while I relive this horrible, life-altering event. One I never wanted to share with her. Yet somehow, she’s making it not as bad as I thought it would be. Something about the way she’s looking at me, not with pity or disgust, but with compassion and understanding, lets me take my first deep breath since sitting on the couch. I want to be in her arms. I want to feel every bit of her body pressed against mine right now. Even the gentle touch of her hand on mine gives me the strength to get the rest of this sham that’s been my life out.
“All of those girls I’ve been photographed with, the ones you see on my arm in the press? I’ve never slept with them. They were all staged photos. Some were friends of my family, acquaintances we knew we could trust to keep quiet. Every single one fully vetted with a signed NDA. Hell, even Hannah would pose with me sometimes. She has quite the extensive wig collection, believe it or not.”
Kennedy’s brows narrow, her head tilting to the side. “You’ve never been with any of those women? Not even one?”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Unfortunately, the only person Ihaveslept with is mother-fucking Angelica. I didn’t even want to do it. I just felt so pressured. And I was a complete fool for not seeing that she was only into my money. And then, for the grand finale cherry on top of it all, I find out I’m horrible in bed.”
“Jordan.” The quiet reassurance in her voice dulls the rage bubbling under my skin. I wish I were in the middle of a game and could punch someone. But sitting here with her? She feelslike the cool air that hits the minute you skate onto the rink—burning my lungs in the best way possible. “You couldn’t have?—”
“Kennedy, don’t. I know what you’re going to say. I’ve heard it from my family a million times.”
Her eyes widen as a snarky expression crosses her face. “You’re a mind reader now? You know exactly what I’m going to say?”
“I’ve heard it all before,” I say in an irritated singsong voice. “I wasn’t a fool. I couldn’t have known. It’ll all be okay…same shit, different day.”
“Hmm,” she says, her eyes piercing directly into mine. “That’s not at all what I was going to say.”
I look at her, confused.Maybe I mistook her compassion for hatred?She does seem like she hates me most of the time.
“It wasn’t?”
“No,” she says softly. “Jordan, how do you know?”
I crinkle my face once more. “How do I know what?”
“How do you know you’re horrible in bed?”
My pulse thrums in my ears. Her hand, still resting on my thigh, grounds me as the room feels suddenly void of every bit of air I’m trying to breathe in. “Well…I’m…” I clear my throat, “I’m an athlete. We perform. We’re told if we’re good or bad or what to improve on. We don’t question it. We work hard and train harder to get better, stronger, faster. I guess I figured if she said I was bad, she was right. Add to the fact that it was my first time…what else am I supposed to think?” I shrug, pursing my lips together.
“What if she was wrong?” Her gaze shifts, as if she’s speaking to something inside of me and not the external persona she’s seen. “I can’t imagine someone like you, who puts their all into every aspect of their life, being bad at anything.”
My heart skips a beat—a beat that makes me question everything I’ve ever thought about myself. “I…I don’t know. I guess I never thought about it.”
“Didyouthink it was bad? Did it feel good to you at all?”
Is this woman a pilot or a therapist? My stomach is twisted into a thousand knots, but…goddammit, she’s asking me every question I’ve been too afraid to ask myself. “I mean, obviously it feltgood, but it…it didn’t feel right. I don’t know; that probably doesn’t make any sense.”
“It does.” Her reassurance, once again, was a welcome surprise during this weird-ass conversation. “Sex is a release; it’s meant to feel good. But I think when there’s an emotional connection, it can be so much more.”
Heat creeps up my neck. My dick is having a really hard time controlling himself right now, between talking about sex and her fucking hand rubbing circles on my thigh. I don’t want her to stop. I want her—badly.But I’m scared to let myself go there. Not until I know she’s one hundred percent in this for me. Not for fake dating. Not for a release. Not for one night.I want this to be real.Tonight gives me hope—but not certainty.
She yawns and, like clockwork, one slips from me, the chaos of the day finally wearing us down. I look at my phone and see it’s two in the morning.Fuck.And seeing the date, I realize I have a commitment tomorrow…er…today actually.Double fuck.This is one thing I can’t half-ass either.Maybe this is a way to keep showing her the real me.
