I had let that woman live when I was supposed to kill her. Gone against the grain and carried that decision for monthsbefore she ran off. I did that because I thought what was between us meant something. Thought the way she moved around me, the way she talked to me, the way she made me feel like somebody who deserved something good for once, I thought all of that was real.
She told me herself it wasn’t.
So, I didn’t feel bad at all for what I did. Nobody taught this bitch not to play with a nigga heart? I thought about all that from multiple angles since last night, and I kept arriving at the same place. She had made her choices the same way everybody else did, consequences had followed.
That was just how it worked in the world I lived in.
What Ivy had clarified for me, without even knowing she had done it, was that whatever I thought I felt for Cherish wasn’t real. I knew what I felt for Ivy was real. The shit just felt differently. Only a fool would let the love of his life get away twice. Damn, here I go thinking crazy again. Love? See, that’s why I’m one nigga that don’t deserve no good pussy, it have me losing my whole damn mind.
Cherish had been someone who needed me to survive at one point, so I called that love because I didn’t have a better reference point.
One night with Ivy reminded me what the real thing felt like. The kind that didn’t need to be built because it was already there. The kind that recognized itself.
I wasn’t in my feelings about Cherish. I was just clear now in a way I hadn’t been before, and clarity was always worth whatever it cost to get it. Even if it meant that hoe losing her life.
—
My phone rang and I looked at the dash display.
It was Marcellus Senior calling.
I picked up.
“You are genuinely one of the hardest men to reach that I have ever dealt with in my life,” he said, and I could hear the controlled amusement in it. “And I have dealt with some difficult men.”
“I know,” I said. “I owe you a call back.”
“Two days worth of one. I been reaching out since day before yesterday.”
“The last two days have been a lot. I was going to get back to you soon as I got a window.” I merged onto the highway. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. The question is how are you, and what is your next move. I know about the stunts both of your brothers have pulled. So, what are you gone do with them?” He said it direct, the way he always did. Marcellus didn’t circle things. He aimed straight at them and expected you to do the same. He didn’t mind getting in your business and asking uncomfortable questions.
I was quiet for a second.
“With all due respect,” I said, “my family is something I’m keeping to myself right now. Even from you. Some things are just off limits for conversation, you know what I mean? I don’t say that to be disrespectful.”
“I know you don’t.”
“I’m going to handle my brothers, but I really don’t have an answer for you. What I can tell you right now is that I don’t plan on killing either one of them. That’s not where my head is. But if it ever comes down to my life against theirs, I’m going to do what I have to do and I’ll deal with whatever comes after.”
“I hear you,” Marcellus said. “And I want you to understand something before I say what I’m about to say. I’m not calling to sit in judgment over you. I’m not questioning your decisions or second guessing how you moved. That’s not what this is.”
“Okay.”
“I’m asking because I have been in the exact position you are sitting in right now. Not something similar. The exact position with my own brother. He wanted me dead, and attempted my life.”
I didn’t say anything. Just drove and listened.
“After Dank died.” He stopped for just a half second, the way he always did when he said his name out loud, like his body needed a moment to absorb the weight of it before he could keep going. “My brother came for me. Held me directly responsible for what happened to his son. In his mind I had put Dank in a situation that cost him his life and there was nothing I could say that was going to change the story he had built around that.”
“What did you tell him? How did you two make amends? I’ve been wanting to ask, but I didn’t want to be in your business. I see that you have forgiven him, so I just assumed that all was well. I didn’t know that he actually tried to kill you.”
“I told my brother the truth. That I loved that boy like he was my own. That losing him took something from me I’m never getting back. That I would have stood in front of whatever came for him if I’d had the chance.” His voice stayed steady but I knew what was underneath it. “Didn’t matter. When a man is carrying grief that heavy he doesn’t have room for truth. He needs somewhere to put the pain and I was standing close enough. So he tried to kill me.”
The highway stretched out in front of me and I just held the phone and let him talk.
“Now I’m not going to sit here and tell you I fully understand my brother’s pain,” Marcellus continued. “I’ve never lost a child. I don’t know what that does to a man and I’m not going to pretend I do. But I lost my nephew. I lost a young man I watched grow up and loved like a son and that loss is real even if it doesn’t look the same from the outside. So I have some understanding of where my brother was coming from even when he was pointing a weapon at me.”
