He turned and walked out the door, and Norman felt ill knowing that he had driven away a friend who was genuinely on his side.
But he couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear to have Reeves sit there and tell him that maybe Susan would return if only she knew the way he felt.
The way he felt was the reason she’d left. He was sure of that.
If only he had managed to contain those feelings. If only he hadn’t kissed her. If only he had taken her at her word when she’d told him she didn’t want love or romance.
But if that’s true… why did she say she didn’t want to be in a loveless marriage?
Even now, his thoughts plagued him. Even now, he couldn’t let go of the hope that she did want him after all—that if he were to confess his feelings, she would hear him and receive him with open arms.
It was a fool’s dream.
But Norman couldn’t quite let it go.
CHAPTER 33
“Ihave a surprise for you,” Marina said, stepping into the sitting room and putting her hands behind her back as if to conceal something.
Susan looked up from the book she held in her hands. She had been turning the pages intermittently, but not actually reading the words. She found it too difficult to focus. Thoughts of Norman invaded her mind every time she tried.
Her lips were still warm where he had kissed her.
Why did he do that? What did he intend?
She would never know.
But she did know she had been right to depart when she had. Even telling him she was going, watching him look the other way as if she meant nothing to him at all—even that had been too painful. If she had gone so far as to ask him whether he cared forher, only to be told he didn’t, it would have crushed her beyond repair.
At least this way, I can pretend we always felt the same things. I can pretend he never mattered very much to me.
Marina was watching her with anxious, hopeful eyes. Susan set the book down. “A surprise?”
“I thought you could use some cheering up,” Marina explained. Her hands were in view now. Whatever this surprise was, it wasn’t something she could hold. “I know how sad you’ve been, Sue. I hate to see you like this. It really hurts me.”
“I don’t mean to cause you grief.” Guilt stabbed at Susan. Her sister had been so good to her, had taken her in when she had nowhere else to go, and Susan had repaid that kindness with nothing but worry and strife.
“I don’t mean it that way,” her sister rushed to reassure her. “I just want you to know that I care, that’s all. I care about how you’re feeling. How you’re coping with everything that’s happened. When I see you so down, I want to do something for you.”
“You really don’t need to do that.” In fact, she wished her sister hadn’t done anything. Leaving the safe confines of her own mind was difficult these days. She wanted to retreat into the fog that seemed to rise up and surround her whenever she unfocused her eyes.
In fact, given her own way, she would have chosen to simply go to sleep and not wake up for several days. Her body wouldn’t grant her that. Every time she tried to get any sleep, thoughts of Norman—of his kiss—flooded her mind.
In the darkness, it was still possible to believe that he had meant it. It was hard to forget the firm press of his lips, the way his arms had wrapped round her, the scent of him… even now that it was all in the past, it was still intoxicating. It stayed with her when she would rather have been rid of it.
The sooner she put all that from her mind, she knew, the happier she would be. But it was hard to let it go. For a few moments, she had known bliss, and then it had been yanked away. She would never experience anything like it again. It was so tempting to hold that moment close, to try to take it into her heart and keep it as a part of herself, even though she knew better than to do that. Her preoccupation with that moment was the reason she couldn’t sleep, the reason the thought of food was such an ordeal. She wanted nothing more than to lie in a dark room, alone with her thoughts and these memories.
And now Marina had a surprise that was meant to cheer her up.
For her sister’s sake, she would do her best to pretend to be cheered, even though she very much doubted anything would be capable of having that effect on her.
“What is it?” she asked, pasting a smile on her face. She tried as hard as she could to make the expression a genuine one, and not just a farce. Her sister had been trying so hard to bring her somecheer in the wake of everything that had happened. Susan was grateful, even if it hadn’t been working. She wanted Marina to feel appreciated for all she had done.
“All right,” Marina said. “You just—sit right there. All right? And I’ll bring it in?”
She was nearly bouncing on her toes with excitement, and a shred of amusement managed to penetrate the storm cloud that had surrounded Susan for the past few days. “You’ll bring it in? Well, all right.” She sat back in her chair. She was surprised to find that she did vaguely wonder what this surprise was going to be. Marina was acting as though she was about to bring in an animal or something. Susan had always wanted a pet, though her father had never allowed it—perhaps there would be a dog or a cat.
Marina went to the door of the sitting room and opened it.
