I don’t love her. I don’t love her.
Something crystallized within Susan, hard and painful.
This was what her mother had felt when she’d realized that marriage to Susan’s father was never going to be what she’d hoped for.
And Leah. She had believed herself to be in love with her husband. She had thought he loved her in return.My situation isn’t that bad,Susan forcibly reminded herself.At least Norman has never harmed me physically. I’m not frightened of him. I’m just…
Heartbroken.
That was the word she didn’t want to admit to, not even in her own mind. That was the thing she had worked all her life to avoid, the reason she had made the decision not to marry in the first place. She had been afraid of getting her heart broken. She had known just how likely it was.
She had believed it couldn’t happen to her in this marriage of convenience.
What a terrible twist of fate.
I can’t stay here any longer. I can’t live my life if I’m afraid of running into him around every corner. If I have to see him every day, look into his eyes, and recall how I wanted there to be love between us and was disappointed, it will destroy me.
“Catherine,” she said, “I need your help.”
“Of course, Your Grace. How may I help you?”
“I need to pack some of my things,” Susan explained. “I need my clothes folded and arranged in my trunk. And I’ll need to speak to a footman about arranging a carriage for me.”
“Are you going on a trip, then, Your Grace?” Catherine moved toward the wardrobe.
“Yes,” Susan said. “I’m going to visit my sister, Marina. She has graciously invited me to stay with her for a few days.”
A few days that are likely to turn into a much longer stay—but there’s no point in telling the staff that. Given that I’m not sure I mean to return at all, it’s better that they don’t know of my plans. Then they can’t incur Norman’s anger for neglecting to tell him what I was doing.
“Is there anything in particular you want to pack?” Catherine asked Susan as she opened the wardrobe. “You have such lovely things. How many days do you mean to be away? And will you be attending any special events during that time? Perhaps we ought to pack your finer things.”
“No, that isn’t necessary,” Susan said.
She knew that was a risk. There was no predicting how the next few days were going to go. It was entirely possible that, once she left, she would never set foot in Heathmare again. Anything that was left behind might be lost.
That doesn’t matter. Things can be replaced. If I remain here, with this man who doesn’t love me and who has somehow convinced me to love him, I’ll lose something more important than gowns. I will lose my sanity.
“I won’t need any of my fine gowns,” she said. “Simple clothes will be fine. I don’t expect any occasions.”
“Your sister won’t be having a party while you’re with her?”
“Nothing of the sort,” Susan said. “My sister is recently married, and will prefer a bit of peace and quiet. I’m not even sure I should be disturbing her solitude with her new husband, truth be told—but she’s invited me, and I do long to see her.”
“Well, of course you do,” Catherine said with a smile as she folded one of Susan’s dresses and tucked it into the trunk. “I’m just the same way with my sister. It’s been six months since I saw her, and I count the days until I’m able to do so once more. You’re very fortunate to have this time with your sister, Your Grace.”
“I know I am,” Susan agreed fervently. She was lucky indeed. Only this morning, Marina had made a comment about Susan coming to stay and assured her that she wouldn’t be any sort of burden if she did. Susan had believed Marina then, and that meant she could believe now that her sister would welcome her with open arms.
And it would allow her to get away from Norman. At long last, the chaotic marriage would come to an end, and Susan would beable to let go of all her fears about what would happen when the marriage inevitably turned sour.
It’s already sour. The rot set in quickly. At least I’m going to be able to go, and at least I didn’t waste years of my life with this man—or worse yet, have a baby with him. If I was the mother of his child, I wouldn’t be able to leave.
She would try to be grateful to him for breaking her heartquickly. That was one good thing in all of this. Her apprehension about marriage had always involved a slow decay over many years. At least she was going to be spared that.
Susan moved about the room, gathering her things. Her hairbrush from the vanity, a book from the nightstand. Every time she picked something up, she went to her trunk and tucked it in alongside the clothing Catherine was folding and placing inside.
“I think I will leave first thing in the morning,” she decided. “Before I go, I will pass one more night here, and I will do my best to remember the good times.”
“But, Your Grace,” Catherine protested, “you’ll be back before too long. You speak as though you were never going to see this place again.”
