A chill swept through Susan.
What was she going to do? She had made arrangements with Norman that probably couldn’t be undone. The two of them had decided not to marry one another—that was established. What was he going to say when Father wrote to him and told him that the wedding needed to take place at once? Surely he wouldn’t be willing to go along with it.
But what was the alternative? If Susan didn’t marry him, Father would scramble to find her a different arrangement. This time, she might end up engaged to someone truly dreadful. And how could she possibly make her peace with that?
What was Marina thinking? All right, I should have been keeping an eye on her, but at the same time, she’s an adult, and she’s capable of taking responsibility for herself—at least, she should be. She shouldn’t have gone out onto the patio alone with Gilbert. She knows better than that! But she’s just been sofoolishlately, so carried away with her own feelings of infatuation.
Susan rose to her feet.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Father demanded.
“Do you need me for something?” Susan asked. “Or may I be excused?”
She saw her father pondering the question and knew that he wanted to come up with a reason to make her stay at the table. He was angry, and he wanted to keep his daughters at the table so he could go on scolding them.
Ordinarily, Susan would have remained so as not to leave Marina alone with their father’s wrath. But suddenly her own anger was too much to be borne. She did everything for her sister. She went through so much to ensure that Marina’s life could be just what she wanted it to be. And Marina couldn’t even behave herself for a single night. Everything was going to be ruined, and it was all her fault. So let Father scold her all he liked, but Susan was not going to stay and be a part of it.
Father seemed to realize that he had no good argument for keeping her at the table. He inclined his head.
Susan turned and fled.
She would ordinarily have gone to the library, which always felt like a refuge in hard times, but that was the first place Marina would come looking for her, and Susan did not want to be found by her sister. Not right now. If the two of them got into a conversation, Susan knew she would say things she’d regret. She’d blame Marina for her actions last night—she would speak to her in anger.
Oh, Leah—if only you were here!
Leah was Susan’s example of what an older sister ought to be, and the model she’d always tried to emulate. But in Leah, thequalities of an older sister came so naturally. She was brave and strong and selfless. She was comforting. She would have known exactly what to say in this moment. She’d have come up with something that would have made both Susan and Marina feel better, somehow.
Susan couldn’t think of what to say that might have that effect, though, so it would be best to stay away from her sister for now. She avoided the library—and her bedroom, another easy place to find her—and went out into the garden instead.
The bench at the very center of the path was a good place to hide. She would hear footsteps if anyone started to come this way, and at the very least, she would be able to prepare herself to greet them. She sat down on the bench and took in the view of the flowers with a sigh.
She had never been exactly enamored of the garden. But she recalled the time she’d strolled along the path at Norman’s estate, and how much she had genuinely liked it. If she married him, that garden would be hers.
There might be good things in a life with Norman. He had pledged to let her oversee additions to the garden—although who knew whether he had actually meant that? He might redact the offer now that they were actually going to be married.
That is, if we’re actually going to be married. He still hasn’t agreed. Not really. He’s agreed to the original proposal, but how is he going to react when he realizes we have to go through with it?
He might well decide he wanted nothing more to do with her or her family. He would have the perfect excuse to walk away after Marina’s scandal.
Susan half-hoped he would. It would make her look bad, yes, and it would ruin Marina’s prospects, but she couldn’t help it. She was so angry. Why should she be the one who had to fall on her sword so that her sister could live out her dreams? Why, when Marina was the one whose reckless behavior had destroyed everything she had worked so hard to put into place?
She sighed and leaned back into the hedges, and though the twigs poked at her back, she found she didn’t mind. The little pains were a good distraction from the ache in her heart and the fear of what lay ahead.
I’ll go through with it. I’ll marry Norman if he’ll have me. Even now, I do want Marina to be happy, and if this will guarantee that for her, I’ll see to it that it happens.
But if Norman rejects me…
If he cast her aside, Father would want to make a different arrangement for her, and if it came to that, Susan thought, she would put her foot down. She would refuse outright.
She had given them enough.
It would be Norman, or it would be nobody at all.
CHAPTER 12
No one came looking for Susan for the rest of the day.
She expected someone to come and find her as the afternoon shifted to evening. She thought she would be summoned to dinner, or even that her father might want to scold her some more for leaving Marina on her own to get into trouble at the ball. If he did, she decided, she would accept it. Everything was such a mess that she might as well take a reprimand for it.
