“Yes. She never wanted her. She said that she provided me with my child, and that was that.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he stared at the fireplace. “Of course, I do not know if Lilly is truly mine. She had to choose a lover who looked very similar to me.”
Marina stared at him. “Lilly might not be yours?”
He hesitated for a moment before looking at her like a condemned man. “You will not breathe a word of what I am telling you. Not to anyone, including your sisters.”
“Of course not,” she said quickly. She loved her sisters, but Bethany’s love of gossip could get the better of her. Amelia would show more discretion, but there was still no reason to tell her.
“Lilly does not know,” he said. “She adored her mother and had always thought she would come back for her. I never told her that her mother had all but confirmed to me that she was abandoning Lilly. She told me it was too tedious and suffocating to be a wife and a mother, and her lover certainly had no interest in being a father. I would rather not spoil Lilly’s memory of that woman.”
“I will not tell her,” Marina said softly. Her heart went out to the poor girl. She had no idea that she was abandoned by one parent, and she blamed her mother’s disappearance on her father. “You have my word.”
He relaxed a little and sat down on the edge of the bed again, putting his head in his hands. “You have to know how difficult this is for me to speak of. I do not say these things lightly.”
“I know. It is clear you have gone to great lengths to cover up your wife’s affair.” She hesitated for a moment before coming over to sit next to him on the bed. “I assume that is mostly for Lilly’s sake.”
He nodded. “I do not want her to have a reputation of being illegitimate. It would set her up poorly in life, and it would not even be her fault.”
“You are a good father,” Marina said. “Most men would not be so merciful.” She could not imagine what would have happened to her if she were suspected of being illegitimate. Her parents had already disliked her.
If either of them thought for a second that I was not a full-blooded Shirley, then I certainly would have been sent off to finishing school years ago.
“I am not a good father for that,” Evan said. “As far as I am concerned, Lilly is mine. I wanted a child, and I have one, regardless of her true parentage.” He shook his head. “I neverunderstood why people would punish or shun a child based on the actions of their parents anyway. It is not rational.”
Marina smiled softly. “You are right. Luckily, she is safe. No one will know the truth of the matter.”
“I hope not.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I want to protect her. But I’m not a good father. I did not handle her mother’s death well. I had hoped Lilly would not be sad if I could keep her from crying. So I ordered her not to cry. That was foolish. I should have been less blunt when I broke the news to her. I shouldn’t have been so… cold.”
“You’re right. That wasn’t the best way to handle it,” Marina admitted. “But what matters now is how the two of you go forward. Maybe you will be able to find a way to explain things better to her when she’s older.”
“Maybe.” He sighed. “I just want to keep her safe.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“About the other … man … I made him sign a document releasing all possible claim to Lilly, but sometimes I worry he will come back to England and make trouble for us—for her. But …” A muscle twitched in Evan’s jaw.
“Perhaps she would prefer that anyway. She blames me for everything that happened with her mother. Perhaps she would prefer to be the daughter of a silk merchant instead of the daughter of a duke. She certainly does not feel safe with me. She would not have nightly terrors if she did. So, what good doesmy protection do her? Maybe he would know how to make her nightmares stop.”
A lump formed in Marina’s throat as she listened to him. She had never seen the man so open and vulnerable. He spoke as if every word was causing him pain. She did not know what to say to make him feel better. She did the only thing she could think of: she reached out and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.
He tensed up for a moment. “What is this?”
“A hug,” she said, closing her eyes. She breathed in his scent, which always comforted her. She wished she could give him the same comfort he seemed to give her without even trying.
“W—why are you hugging me?” The slight tremble in his voice made her hug him tighter.When was the last time he had received comfort like this? It might have been years.
She could not imagine a life without hugs. Even though her parents were not very affectionate with her, she had given and received many hugs from her sisters over the years. They always helped her through tough times.Perhaps the duke has not been hugged since his parents.The thought was heartbreaking. “She is not going anywhere,” she said. “You are a good father. You clearly care about her, which is more than a lot of fathers do for their children.”
“I have failed,” he said softly. “She blames me. Her nightmares are not getting better.”
“You havenotfailed. These things cannot be changed overnight. You have been trying to raise her alone. This is the hardest thing a person can do!” She looked up at him and smirked, hoping to lighten the mood. “But now you have me. Marrying me was perhaps one of the best things you have ever done. For better or for worse, you are tied to me now, and I want to be here for you and Lilly. But you need to open up to me without having a spectacular fight first.”
He nodded, and he swallowed before slowly turning to her and returning the hug. His strong arms wrapped around her, and she was very aware that she only wore a thin nightgown. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax into his embrace as he placed his chin on the top of her head.
For a moment, they just held each other, and the world felt at peace. Then Evan slowly pulled away. He looked at her intently, although Marina could not tell exactly what he was searching for in her eyes. Then his gaze traveled to her lips, which parted, almost in anticipation.
Just when she thought he was going to kiss her, he fully untangled himself from her and stood up. “Goodnight, Marina,” he said. He left the room without waiting for a response from her.
Marina swallowed as she stared at the closed bedroom door he had just exited through. Her lips tingled, even though they had not actually kissed. The tips of her fingers went to her lips. How would it feel for him to actually kiss her? She did not mind the thought—in fact, part of her even welcomed it.
I should not be too greedy. He confided in me tonight, which was more than I thought possible. Perhaps he will want to kiss me in the future, but I should be patient while waiting for such a time.
