“They were,” I admitted. “Vision blurred for a second. Pulse pounding and tight chest I couldn’t cool down. But I didn’t black out until the tunnel. I swear.”
She closed her eyes, jaw flexing. “Oliver…”
“I know.” My voice cracked on the words. “I fucking know. I should’ve told someone sooner. I was scared if I did, it’d mean I wasn’t ready. That people would doubt me. That you would.”
Her eyes snapped open at that, sharper now. “Don’t you dare put that on me.”
I shook my head fast, stepping forward, palms up. “No—I don’t mean like that. I mean… I didn’t want to disappoint you. After everything you’ve done for me, the work you put in—I wanted to be the version of me you could count on.”
Her expression broke, not into tears but something deeper. She stepped closer, her voice low and firm. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, Oliver. Not your toughness. Not your pain tolerance. I already see you.”
My chest cracked open at her words.
“I wanted to be steady for you,” I whispered. “And I did the opposite.”
“You scared me.” Her voice was raw now. “But more than that, you scared yourself. And I need you to sit with that.”
I nodded slowly, swallowing hard.
We stood there in the middle of her kitchen, the post-game silence heavy around us. My shirt was still damp from the sweaty nap, her eyes still rimmed with tired concern, and even though I wanted to lean in again—wrap her back in my arms and hold her until I could finally exhale—I didn’t.
Because this part was hers.
“I don’t know what’s happening between us,” she whispered, barely enough for me to hear. “I’ve never felt this connection with anyone this fast before. It’s…I know I should stop it.”
No. “Why?”
“Because no one can know, Oliver. It’d have to be in secret, and I don’t think either one of us deserve that.” She looked up, her brown eyes filled with sadness. “I can’t date a player on the team I work at.”
“Okay, but if I wasn’t on the team?”
“Then I’d date you so hard.” She grinned, a little bit of that spark returning “But that’s not our reality.”
“No. It’s not.” I sighed, rubbing my hand up and down her back. “And I take it that you don’t want to date in secret?”
She shook her head, her shoulders slumping again. “I don’t think I do.”
“So we’re what… friends then?”
“God, that feels so shallow.” She stepped away from me, pinching her nose. “I don’t know what it means right now. I want to wrap myself around you in a hug and fall asleep. I sure as hell don’t feel that way about my other friends.”
“I have an idea,” I said, ignoring all the warning signs that said to back off. “How about we go to sleep and figure this,” I waved between the two of us, ”out later. We’re tired. I want to hold you as I pass out.”
She nodded, her lips curving up. “That sounds great.”
“Do we have a strict… no fondling rule, or can we have a repeat of the other night?” I teased, hoping it’d get her to smile.
Her entire face and neck turned red as she chewed the side of her lip. “Let’s…see what happens. It’d be better not to—just—cause you know, but if?—”
“Honey, I’m teasing. I’ll be a gentleman, for the most part.”
She laughed, locked the door, and turned off the light. “Come on, big guy. Come to bed with me.”
“Fuck, that sentence was hot.”
I followed her, enjoying the ease in her shoulders and her slight laugh. We might not have figured a single thing out, but I wasn’t complaining. Any time with Sloane like this was worth it. Even if never kissing her again killed me, I’d accept anything she gave me.
19
