“Th-thank you.” I swallowed the ball of emotion in my throat. He took care of me, yet again, and I didn’t deserve it. Shame engulfed my face, but I owed an apology to him. “I’m sorry I snuck out,” I whispered, my eyes prickling with tears.
He held up a hand. “No need to apologize Jordan.”
“Wait, really?”
He laughed, but it wasn’t the genuine one I knew like the back of my hand. It was forced, almost an angry chuckle. “I know you, for better or worse. I’ll see you at the house. Drive safe, okay?”
Then he disappeared down the hall and into the elevator.
What did that mean? Heknewme for better or worse? That sounded a lot like defeat, and I wanted to curl into the fetal position and cry. It had to be the hangxiety. The hangover and anxiety combining to remind me of all my flaws.
My separation anxiety. My detachment issues. My fear of abandonment. My need to keep people at a distance because they’d realize I was a pain in the ass and too much and leave. I blinked away tears and took a deep breath.
No. I refused to feel like this.
I didn’t have regrets. I’d never be like my mom, unhappy and miserable and running from her choices. I’d own what I did and be okay with it.
While my heart was heavy at the possibility that everything had changed with Preston, I found Logan and put on my mask. I’d get through this weird blip. I always did.
The best partabout Logan being my best friend for life was that she truly knew me. Instead of pestering me with questions for the long-ass car ride, she put on one of her playlistsno tears for yearsand let me curl up in the passenger seat.
When you went through the childhood I did, where you’d beg your parents to come to your events and they never would. It was messy. But to make it worse, my dad left when I was seven because he hated my mom, so then I became complicated. To really nail the reason why I was a hot mess, I had to add the fact I tried to have my grandparents fill that role, but they had no interest in me, so I learned to compartmentalize my emotions super well. I could be going through a mental breakdown and still smile, even make jokes with someone. No one would have any idea. It exhausted me to do it, but I could box up some feelings and deal with them later, so that was what I did.
I didn’t think about Preston’s disappointment or how he’d shrugged in defeat. I definitely didn’t think about the fact I wouldn’t survive us not being friends. Instead, I watched the winter landscape pass us by through the window and enjoyed Logan’s playlist.
It wasn’t until we parked in the driveway that Logan sighed and stared at me. “Let me have it,” I mumbled.
“Have what?”
“Your lecture.”
“No lecture, you drama queen.” Logan snorted and rested her hands on the wheel. “Are you alright? Normally, you only have a pout for an hour. This was way longer, and you have me worried.”
My eyes prickled again. “My usual issues are flaring up. I’m hungover. Preston and I crossed a line, and I’m terrified he’ll leave me. The typical Jordan shit-show.”
“Have you eaten yet?”
“No.” I stared at the house we all shared. What if Preston moved out because he was done with me? Fuck. I rubbed my temples, embarrassed as hell that I didn’t have my shit more together. I was twenty-one. I shouldn’t be this messed up.
“Come.” Logan got out of the car and opened my door before pulling me into the cold and leading me inside. “Shower first. I’ll make waffles and then we can watch season four ofThe Office.”
“I hate that you’re taking care of me,” I said, admitting my weakness. No one ever wanted to take care of me because I was too much work. Too much personality, feelings, all of it. If I was a burden, then they’d leave.
A part of me knew this was Logan, my friend of ten years, who had seen me at my worst. But that part quieted. The insecure part shouted, and that was the voice I listened to.
“Oh, should I hate the fact you helped me when I was low about the breakup? Or when I had the flu? This is friendship, you narwhal.”
“Did you call me a narwhal?”
“Sure did.” Logan glared at me. “Do I think you should see someone to help you with this? Yes. But I’m gonna be there for you even when you get into your pouty moods. So you get to be a sad little narwhal for the afternoon, then you’re done.”
“Yes, ma’am.” My lips twitched as my heart swelled. Sheknew me. She understood me. “Thank you,” I whispered, swallowing down the ball of emotion.
“Take it back.” She pointed her finger aggressively at me. “No thanks needed.”
I opened my mouth, but her glare doubled in size, so I held up my hands in surrender. While I was a mess inside, I wasn’t a fool. I’d listen to Logan and hide in my room, hoping Preston wouldn’t end our friendship. Maybe he’d avoid me for a few days, and this situation would blow over. Yeah. That was what would happen. We’d both be busy and then in a few days, we go back to what we were. Easy peasy.
What was I so stressed about?
