“Nowhere for you to go, Ivy Lee,” I said, my lips brushing against her temple. “I told you before, and I’ll say it now, so you really hear me. You are the strongest person I know. Asking for help isn’t weakness. It’s strength to know your body and how to take care of it.”
She shook her head, probably preparing to argue with me, so I continued. “Why would I lie to you? You survived a life-altering accident as a child. You went through years of physical and mental therapy to healas a child.You’ve survived pain most people never have to go through. That makes you strong as hell. I might be an athlete, but I don’t have your resilience.”
“I work with Division One athletes who are going to play in the NFL. I’m a petite female who gets tired from walking. My parents made sure to tell me how it’s such a shame I’ll never live up to my athletic potential and engrained in me not to tell people about my accident.”
“Fuck that. Your potential?” I gripped her tighter. “I wish you could see yourself like I see you. You’re a badass, you are the smartest person I know, and you aren’t intimidated by anyone. Literally no one scares you. I get nervous around the Dean of Athletics or any lawyer. Not you though.”
She sucked in a breath at my words. “When you…we… argued that summer and you wouldn’t respond to me for weeks—” she swallowed, and her body trembled again “—it was really easy for me to assume it was because I wasn’t cool enough to be friends with you. That I was the dorky, weak sidekick you wanted to get rid of.”
“Ivy.” Pain slashed my chest like she stabbed me with a knife. “That?—”
“Please, let me finish.”
There was zero room between our bodies, but I needed her closer. I repositioned my arms around her so one was on her stomach, the other around her shoulders. I wrapped myself around her, the desperate claw of worry tying me to her. I didn’t like the shakiness of her voice or how her tone dropped like she was about to give bad news. Her words from earlier aboutstepping backrepeated, and a panicked ache formed. I couldn’t lose her again.
“Sorry, please, continue,” I rasped out.
“I never thought I was good enough to be in your life, so I lived it like I knew it was temporary, like a gift. Almost like you were superior to me, and you were doing me a favor by letting me be your friend.”
What. The. Fuck? I bit my cheek to prevent myself from blurting out anything. Her words legit caused me agony. They were so far from the truth and so insulting to my character that it took every ounce of strength to remain quiet.
“I know that’s not true at all. I realized that the last few years actually. Maybe that’s a silver lining somehow. But I shared that with you so you know that while I’ve grown in many areas, I still have room. My future depends on this internship, and I can’t show an ounce of weakness, or my dream could be crushed. It might not be rational, and I know I could do more to take care of myself, but my confidence and insecurities are tied to my injury. I’m still working through it.”
One thing my sisters engrained in me was that when someone shared feelings or expressed vulnerability, you thanked them for sharing. Even though I wanted to say a million things back and argue with her, doing that wasn’t right. “Thank you for being honest with me and trusting me with the truth.”
I didn’t realize how tense she was until her body relaxed at my words.
“Seven more minutes,” I said, eyeing my smartwatch.
“I forgot I was in the water at this point.” She laughed. “Exposing your core weaknesses is a good distraction.”
“You’re being honest.” I could be too. “In an effort to also be open, can I ask a question about something?”
“Yeah, we’re past asking permission for questions, Cally.”
I grinned. She hadn’t called me Cally inyears.“I just got you back in my life, and you mentioned slowing down. That…I don’t want you stepping back. I’m terrified of losing you again.”
“But, why? Your life is so full! You have amazing teammates, this house, the team. I’m glad we’re friends again because I missed you a lot, but…” She sighed. “I don’t know how to say this.”
My jaw clenched. “Try.”
“I know we both had things to apologize for, and we both weren’t the best of friends to each other, but I’m still not over you kicking me out of your life that first month of college. I’m scared you’ll hurt me again. I’m not like you Callum. I don’t have the big personality where I can befriend everyone. Stepping back for me is a way to protect myself. So, when you say you’re terrified, it’s hard to believe because you stepped away first.”
I closed my eyes and forced myself not to react. I couldn’t deny the truth to her words, and that felt like swallowing glass. Ihadhurt her first, and despite us hashing our feelings out, that hurt was gonna live with her for a while. I understood why she needed to put up a wall between us, even if I hated the fact she had to. Living with regrets wasn’t something I did often, but one popped up into my head with flashing lights.
What if I’d never pushed her away out of pride and anger? What if we’d hung out all these years, growing together? What if I saw her grow into herself, instead of learning about it now?
What if she never trusts me again?
That was the root of my fear. The reason I had acted like a carefree dude the last few years, earning my wild reputation, was because I never let myself care about anything or anyone too much. No one would be able to fill the Ivy void, so I never tried. I partied and distracted myself to hide the pain.
“I’ll continue to show you how much you mean to me, and I’ll never stop trying to earn your trust back.” I kissed her temple, letting my lips linger on her skin. She was warm despite being in a bucket of ice water. “I’m selfish probably, but I don’t wantsomeof you, I happen to love all parts of you, Ivy Lee. You don’t have to believe me, and I’m not arguing with you. Your feelings are valid and justified. However, I think you’re misunderstanding or not realizing how fucked up I’ve been without you, okay? You might’ve gotten hurt first, but I hurt just as bad.”
“Are we foolish for trying this again? Seriously, this is messy and?—”
“Ivy,” I snapped and flipped her around in the water so I could look at her. Our chests pressed together as she wrapped her legs around my waist. My shirt flowed in the water, and it took all my willpower to not look down. Her eyes widened, and her lips parted as I cupped her jaw with one hand. She gulped. “I’m not letting you out of my life again. Do you understand? If I have to spend the next ten years getting you to trust me, I will.”
She blinked a lot, and her glasses slid down her nose. I adjusted the frames, pushing them back up before smiling at her. “I realize that was slightly aggressive. If you tell me you want me out of our friendship, I will respect it. I just—” This time words were hard for me. Maybe it was the way she stared at me with her large, gorgeous eyes or the slight parting of her very full lips. Or the fact she wore just my shirt, and it was a thin piece of cotton separating her naked body from me. My life felt calmand right for the first time in years since we reconnected, and I knew it was because of her. She thought I was joking when I said part of my brain was dedicated just to her, but it was true. That portion laid dormant and made me miserable and sad without her.
