Once, roommates.
And I’d hurt her.
She wore her hair in a crazy bun with curls all over the place, and she had on one of Luca’s T-shirts and some running shorts. She seemed the same, like my sister, but her expression was like a knife in the gut to me. She was a ray of sunshine, always happy and hilarious, and now…she looked sad. Her shoulders were slumped, and her eyes didn’t have the same smart-ass light they always did.
“Thanks for coming to talk to me today,” she said, running her finger over the crack in their coffee table. “I’m sorry I was passive aggressive to you on the patio. That wasn’t helpful.”
Luca and Mackenzie had gotten the fuck out of the apartment once they realized Lo and I were going to talk. It was just us. Nowhere for me to run to escape the truth. My thighs ached from how tense I grew in the silence. I’d been on Lo’s side of this situation, the hurt one. The one who wanted an explanation and apology, and to be honest? It wasn’t any easier being the one who fucked up.
The guilt and ache that grew in my gut sucked. No other way to put it. I didn’t even know where to start. That was the problem. I couldn’t just… say sorry and tell her how a girl had messed with my entire future, my entire life, and I couldn’t move on from it.
“Dean.” Lo steepled her fingers together, sighing as she looked at me. “Are you sick?”
“What?” I reared back. “No.”
“Then what in the ever-loving shit is going on with you?” She stood, the sadness shifting to pissed off real quick. “I am sick of tiptoeing around you. I’m sick of my boyfriend knowing everything about your life when I don’t. I’m fucking sick of worrying! Tell me. Tell me right now what’s going on, or I will call Mom. I will call Grandma. I will post on your social medias that you sleep in the fetal position and suck your thumb. I swear to—”
“Jessica fucked me up, okay!” I shouted, pushing up from her couch. “I really liked this girl; it was going well, and I was really into her. For the first time, I wanted to be exclusive with someone andtrythis whole relationship thing. Only, it was a lie, and she tricked me. She told me she was pregnant. She got me excited about maybe being a dad, even though it would change my life. I gotexcited about it.Then, she said she lost it.That the baby didn’t make it. Itguttedme. Then! I find out she lied about the whole thing, actually cheated on me, and was pregnant with someone else’s baby. Okay? That happened. That fucking happened, and my life hasn’t been the same since, and I don’t trustanyoneanymore, but how could I?” My voice cracked. My hands shook. My stomach ached, and I swallowed down the urge to vomit. I couldn’t face my sister. I turned toward the wall, gripping the edge of my hat. “I’ve been so angry, Lo. All the time, I am just… I’m so mad. It’s not fair. I feel the loss of everything even though it wasn’t real.”
My eyes stung.
I didn’t hear her, but suddenly, my sister was in my arms, tackling me into a bear hug. She smelled like she always did, lotion crap, but it reminded me of home and safety. I hugged her back, tight, and closed my eyes. I leaned onto her, suddenly feeling so foolish that I’d never opened up to her.
“It’s a good thing you didn’t tell me,” she said into my chest.
“Wait.” I coughed, shaking my head. “What do you mean?”
“I’m too young for murder, and Dean?” She looked up at me, her dark brown eyes swirling with venom. “I’m going tokillher. Who is she? Who isJessica?”
“Yeah, not telling you that.” I smiled, finally, a chink in the armor around my soul. I felt lighter after telling my sister. “Please,pleaseunderstand it was never about you. I was ashamed, horrified. I let someone do this to me. If I—”
“Youwhat?No. Don’t do this shit my presence. She made her choices. Her actions are why this happened, not anything you did. If you blame yourself for one second, I will knock out a tooth, and I know how vain you are about your teeth.”
“Have you always been so aggressively threatening?”
“Yes. I’ve gotten worse in the last few months you’ve ignored me.”
“Touché.” I swallowed and put my hand on her shoulder, squeezing. “I am sorry I hurt you while dealing with my own shit. I hate that I hurt someone I love.”
“I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you, but Dean, youhaveto talk to someone about this.” She rubbed her lips together, a sad sigh escaping. “That is a lot of trauma for one person to deal with. Even if you think you’re the coolest, best, most laidback—”
“No. I’m messed up. I can’t trust anyone anymore. Besides you and Mack, I’m keeping women away from me.”
“Mack?” Her eyebrows rose until they disappeared into her hairline. "What does my best friend have to do with any of this?”
“Her list. I like her dumb list.” Guilt had me pausing, but I powered through. “It’s helping me put myself back out there too.”Lo doesn’t need to know about the secret part where it’s just Mack and me. Not yet.
“You have your own list?” She tilted her head to the side.
“Yeah, kinda.” Kinda meant I wasn’t lying.
“Dean, I love you and have your back always, but if you’re going to be friends with Mack, be careful. She is the most loyal, kindest, goofiest person you’ll meet, but she wears her heart on her sleeve and gets attached easily. You don’t. You also went through something really fucked up and need to work on yourself. Do you see the problem?”
“We’re having fun, not getting involved.” I forced a smile. “I can be myself with her, and she makes me laugh.”
“She’s hilarious and the best person I know. I understand how she can suck you in and make you feel okay. She’s our entire team’s emotional support person. But I can’t… look, this makes me a hypocrite because I’m dating your tight end, but please don’t get involved with her unless you absolutely mean it.”
The guilt grew, then doubled in size, then tripled. It was like the opposite of the Grinch here. Instead of my heart growing, it was my guilt, and it crept up my throat to the point I had to clear it. “Understood.”
