CHAPTER
ONE
Mack
You ever feel guilty for having a slightly, tiny negative thought when so much around you is going well? It’s a horrible feeling to be thankful and happy yet have discontent growing roots in your veins.
I hadso damn muchgoing well for me. I’d excelled at school and had finished my junior soccer season with some of the best stats. My window for playing for the NSWL hadn’t closed yet, and if I continued my workouts, I could be invited to play.
My social media following had quadrupled since my stats went up. Young girls looked up to me at games. They wore my jersey and wanted my signature. Me. Mackenzie Violet Mallinson. The school stores sold posters with my face. They had giveaways with my uniform. My best friend Lorelei and I were on billboards promoting girls’ soccer all over town. People recognized me, and every single time, my heart sped up, and my soul saidyou’re living your dream.
That was awesome.
My teammates were more like family. My own parents were the most supportive in the world. I spun my tanzanite ring on my thumb, staring at the vibrant color. The deep blue-violet hue matched my hair. When my parents gifted it to me, they told me the story of how it formed was similar to me: strong and capable of surviving lots of pressure and changes.
Like a bully of a coach who always told me I’d be nothing on the field. That’d I’d never achieve my dream of playing in the pros.
“You’ll never get that far, Mackenzie, but it’s cute you think so.”
Yeah, my high school coach effed me up. She was the reason I put my life and soul into soccer, missing out on so many other parts of growing up. Despite getting a D1 scholarship and living out my dream at Central State, she remained in my head—and in my life as my parents’ best friend.
I carried some trauma from that wonderful asshole of a woman.
The latest root of my insecurity? My life outside of soccer. The lack of experiences I had because ofensuring I would make it to spite Coach Emily.
Seriously, Emily was too sweet of a name to be a horrible human being.
I eyed the vodka sprite in front of me, swallowing down the feeling that I was annoying. I couldn’t share my worry with my friends that I wanted tolive more. They had their own shit going on, real issues that weren’t pathetic like mine. Lorelei’s internship was kicking her ass, but it was her chance to prove herself. Alejandra’s parents were going through a divorce with her fourteen-year-old sister still at home. Mally’s girlfriend cheated on her, broke her heart and soul. Those issues were legit. Mine were not.
We were at our summer roundtable. Every Tuesday at six, we met at one of the hole-in-the-wall bars to talk about our lives. Vee—who had to take summer courses, or she wouldn’t graduate—created an agenda of topics that we’d approved the night before.
Was this extra? My god, yes. But we trained together, worked out together, partied together, and spent hours on a bus together. We could talk all the time, but carving out a place without soccer made it more special.
Again, I had the best life in the world. Just no experience with love.
My skin heated at my blip of insecurity.
“Vee better have put Xavier Reed as a topic agenda today.” Ale slid into the booth next to me, her beer sloshing over her hand and onto the table. She dabbed a napkin on it before whistling toward the bar. “You see him? Do you see his ass? Do you? Because I am a healthy, alive human, and my eyes work. He is the finest person I have ever observed in my existence.”
I snorted. “He’s gorgeous.”
“His dark skin? The way those jeans fit his thighs? I want to climb him.”
“Climb who?” Lorelei slid across from me, her face flushed and her smile lines ingrained into her forehead. Her joy was my favorite thing about her. She was smart, led with her heart, and was my ride or die.
“New football player.” I jutted my chin toward the bar. A few of the guys were there, mainly juniors and seniors who lived on campus over the summer. I scanned them for the familiar head of dark locks, the broad shoulders that led to lean hips and thick thighs. They weren’t Xavier-size, but Dean Romano had swagger and talent that very few could match, and I couldn’t stop myself from seeking him out everywhere we went.
My crush had started as something silly. He was objectively gorgeous and the star quarterback for our school. Everyone had some form of infatuation with him. Minus my best friend, who happened to be his twin sister.
The ever-present twist in my gut tightened, and I took another sip. We weren’t huge partiers—couldn’t afford to—but the thought of numbing my mind for a few hours was inviting.Stop thinking about all you missed out on. Stop thinking about Dean.
“Ah. Xavier Reed.” Lorelei nodded before swirling her straw in her drink. She’d opted for a mule tonight. “Luca told me a bit about him. Great player, a lot of strength, and I think Luca even mentioned he has a good personality?”
“Luca said that?” I teased, earning a fake glare from my best friend.
“Maybe not that exactly, you dick, but it was context.” She stuck her tongue out at me, and I did it right back.
I wish I knew the word or feeling for how I felt about Lorelei and Luca. Watching my best friend find the love of her life and getting the support and swoon she needed made me inexplicably happy. He brought out the best in her, and she deserved every single second of it. But humans were complicated, and somewhere, deep down and hidden, rooted in insecurity, was jealousy.
