“Sure, sure.” She hit my arm and bounced toward the car. I had a small headache, and it wasn’t even fair she wasn’t a little hungover. If she was, she hid it well.
We hopped into my car, and my comfort went right back to normal. She never mentioned her joke about the sex deal or the fact she’d thought I turned her down last night. If anything, she was in a better mood?
“What’s the smile for, Eleanor?”
“Ugh, that was a terrible rhyme, and I hate it.” She slid me a glance. “But I’m just happy. I’ve been looking forward to leaving my hometown and attending Central State ever since Gabesigned here, and I’m doing it. Found a job I enjoy, am living with my best friend, and had a game night. Game nights back home included my parents, who I love. But I crashed on an air mattress? Like, this is the life!”
What an odd thing to be excited about, but I didn’t say that. I just admired her joy and outlook. She was so thrilled about simple moments. When had something like a game night made me happy? Years?
“How did you envision your future here?” I asked, wanting to know more about what went on in her head. Her mind and daydreams fascinated me.Does she daydream about me?
She rolled her teeth over her lip a few times before messing with her hair. “Don’t laugh or snort or make fun of me, butromanticis the word I’d use. Late library nights where I’m meeting a writing deadline. Coffee shops. The smell of leaves in the fall. College gear. Oh my god, I love wearing clothes with the Central State Logo. It’s a problem.”
“That sounds nice.” It did through her lens. Not mine.
“That’s not all though, I want the stories I talk about for twenty years. The staying up too late nights. The secret places not every student knows about on campus. The internships or group projects that give you friends for life as you suffer through the pain. The bookstores with funny drink names. I want the romance, finding love that consumes me. Even if it breaks my heart, I want to feel like I’m one thousand percent someone’syes.Like,yes,I make their soul dance.” She sighed and had the biggest smile on her face, I wanted to screamlet me be that person.
I’d been doing college wrong. I had none of that, none of her vision and hope and dreams. I had a team who only started maybe not hating me the past year. I had Reiner, my uncle, and…her.The picture she painted left no room for my dark soul, and it physically hurt my chest to accept I could never be hers.
I knew it’d end in heartbreak for her, and she deserved the best.
With a defeated sigh, I focused on the road. Leaves and debris littered the streets from the wind, but there wasn’t any real damage from the storm, thank goodness.
“Okay, what are you thinking, Mr.Sighs Like Thatand doesn’t respond?”
“I hope you find that. That’s all.”
“You and me both, buddy. Now, should we make sure the bar is alright now or show up early before tonight’s shift?”
“You go home. I’ll double check everything and call Charlie.”
“I can help!”
“I need to be alone for a bit.” My stomach sank as soon as the words came out, and I prepared myself to take even more steps back with Elle. My face burned hot, and I gripped the wheel tighter, trying to do mental gymnastics on how to retract that statement. “It’s not… you’re not—”
“Hey, no reason to explain. I get it.” She squeezed my forearm but immediately let go. “Thank you for being honest.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No. You’re stating what you need, and I’d be a dick to disrespect that. We all require some solo time every once in a while. Plus, my brother is extra as fuck. Throw in you have a complicated relationship with him? Yeah. I could use a few hours of silence too.”
I swallowed hard, unable to express my gratitude. She got it. One thousand percent understood my need, and it was the first time ever someone didn’t call me an ass or make a jab about being a dick. Even my teammates were jerks when I went off on my own after a road trip. When you spent the last four years alone, you got used to it and missed the silence.
We arrived at our apartment a few minutes later, neither one of us saying anything as I locked the car and walked her to thefront of the building. She flashed me one of her sunshine smiles, all teeth and wrinkles around her eyes. “Text me if you need help, okay?”
I nodded. I had to express what this meant to me, but no words came except “Thank you, Elle.”
Her eyes warmed before she headed inside, and I stood there, hands in my pockets, looking up at the sky.Whycouldn’t I be different? Why couldn’t I have another life, one where I could enjoy her daydream about college?
I rubbed my chest at the rush of unfamiliar pain. It made it hard to breathe for a second, not unlike the panic attack but nowhere near the racing pulse. It was more of a pang, like I was so close to getting something I wanted, but it was just out of reach.
Ignoring it, I went to the bar and counted down the minutes until I could see Elle again. She was the best part of my day, and I wanted to enjoy her as long as I could. I certainly didn’t deserve someone like her in my life and it was only a matter of time before I pushed her away.
It was what I did best.
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
