I knew where we’d put the toy chest, the play area, and the little vanity. We could buy picture frames and bedsheets and get a large dollhouse. I closed my eyes and pictured purple tube lights and hanging pink ones. Depending on what she was into, we could play into that too. I smiled, really hopeful that a nice room would make the journey better for her. This couldn’t be easy, but kids were resilient.
Heavy footsteps thudded up the stairs, and Cal came in carrying three of the boxes. He set them down, gave me a quick smile, and headed down again. He was getting a little too loose with those grins and needed to knock it off. They messed with my plotting, that was for sure. Because I wasn’t thinking about the room anymore but his mouth. He was angry at life, but would he kiss that way? Aggressive, like how he played. Dominating like the captain. Or would he kiss slow and drawn out, using his hands to explore my body before finally taking me harder?
Shit. My pulse raced, and I ducked my head the next time he came up. He had the rest of the stuff, and I pretended to look under the bed. “Nothing here.”
“I’m gonna give her a hockey stick and a jersey.”
I faced him, sucking in a breath at the range of emotions on his face. Open, worried, scared. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at me with hope.
“Yeah?”
“So she knows I’m looking out for her. Unless, that’s stupid?”
“No, I love it. She has this awesome cousin on her side now. Of course it’s a great idea. We could get a poster of you too and some pucks?”
“Yeah?” He lifted half his mouth up, the lack of confidence endearing me to him. “It’ll go with your vision?”
“Even if it doesn’t, that matters more.” It was my turn to squeeze his wrist. His was strong and warm. “It shows you care about her.”
“I’ve never even met her and I do. It’s tough.”
“That’s okay if it’s hard, but think about this—the two of you are in the same position. Charlie is your only family, and you’ve both lost so much, but you gained each other.”
Cal’s mouth lifted up on one side for a brief second, and the same buzzing connection filled the room. I stared at his mouth, his perfect lips, as the pull to get closer to him dominated my mind. Our breathing synced, his skin warmed, and I immediately let go.
He stepped away from me. “Come on, let me take you back. We have time to get this ready.” His voice was all gravely and rough.
“But tomorrow morning, we’ll return?”
“Yes.”
Spending an entire Tuesday morning with Cal was better than I thought. Daniella was at camp all day, and I was working during the night and was often alone, so this was a nice change. After finally exchanging numbers, Cal texted he was ready at five minutes until six. I wore an old high school shirt and shorts with paint stains on them from the one time I’d volunteered to touch up fire hydrants.
He though… mm. He wore a backwards hat, a white shirt with a hockey logo on it, and sport shorts. There was something about the athletic shorts that made his thighs seem thicker. Stronger. I buckled into the passenger seat and tried not to ogle him. It wasn’t even six am yet!
“I brought you coffee and croissantsandmade some trail mix so you eat.” He picked up a brown sack and handed it to me. “There is cream and sugar and almond milk in a tiny cup in there too. Wasn’t certain how you preferred your coffee but wanted to make sure it had all the stuff.”
I swooned at his attempt to take care of me. It was very romance hero-ish of him, even though I knew he wasn’t a long-term kind of guy. Had anyone else in my life ever done anything like this before? No. It was simple and intentional.
“Very thoughtful, Cal, thank you.” I sniffed the hot cup of coffee.Vanilla.“I’m not picky about caffeine, which you wouldn’t assume about me because I’m opinionated. I like it black some days, then others with almond milk. But sometimes I just want it sweet.”
“That fits you.”
“Thanks? I think.” I laughed and took a small sip. Still freaking hot. “You excited for our project today?”
“I’m tired, honestly. I’ll wake up in a bit.”
“You didn’t need to walk me home last night. Alex could’ve.” It still charmed me that on his nights off, he showed up at close and waited for me. There was no way that could continue past a week or so. He needed time to rest and relax and not worry about me. It was endearing and just another moment where Cal proved he was more than he thought. “I’ll carry a knife or a bat.”
“Not why I’m tired and that’s not up for debate. I started readingThe Martian.”
“Oh!” I got so excited that I swatted his shoulder. He gave me a “what the fuck” look. “Sorry, I hit people when I get overjoyed. Probably not a redeeming quality. My brother hates going to movies with me because I smack him too much. Anyway, I’m a chatterbox. Tell me what you think!”
“I’m not a fast reader, but I’m enjoying it so far. Made me think about what I’d do if I was completely alone for months at a time…but then realized I kinda already have been.”
It knocked the breath out of me. His admission. His self-awareness of his grief and attitude. Moments like this were tough because I wanted to have the correct response, but what was therightthing? Thankfully, he turned onto the side street near Charlie’s house, and he continued speaking.
“His will to survive and live and try everything possible spoke to me. I haven’t been that way. I chose to suffer in my solitude, and maybe I’m ready to do more now. Celebrate the good and move on.”
