“Like shit.”
“Panic attacks can make you exhausted. I just read that online. Not that I’m a doctor. Duh. I’m a creative writing major, but I wanted to learn about them.” She blabbered and blushed and quickly shoved the papers into a stack. “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.”
“It’s that but also the angle I slept at. My neck feels like cement.” I rubbed it and squeezed, wincing at the pain. “What time is it?”
“One.”
“Elle.”Three hours?“You sat here for three hours?”
“One was spent cleaning, and the others were this.” She gestured to the paper. “I can entertain myself anywhere if I have a pencil and paper.”
“I’m sorry you waited. You should’ve woken me.”
“No, you looked peaceful. Honestly, that’s been the longest you’ve gone without annoying me.”
“Ah, so sleeping me is okay.”
“Exactly.” She smirked, but it slowly shifted in worry. “What happened? If you want to talk about it, that is. I’m curious.”
I held out my phone to the picture of Charlie and his daughter. “He sent me this.”
She got up and walked toward me, her long legs such a tease. She squinted at the phone before putting a hand over her heart. “Oh my god. She’s so cute. And Charlie looks so happy!”
“That’s my cousin.”
“The one you weren’t excited about?” she asked, an edge to her voice.
That was obviously one of my comments that had upset her, but how did I explain it? I swallowed, taking my time collecting my thoughts. Maybe it was the post-effect from the attack or the fact it was only us and I had a feeling whatever I told Elle would stay between just her and I. No worrying about the team finding out and thinking I was a mess. She’d be kind about it. It was who she was.
My hands shook, and I pocketed them to hide the tremors. It had been years since I’d spoken about their death. Even sharing it with Reiner scratched the surface. A thing we both related to and could talk about. He leaned on me, and I on him.
But to pull the wound open completely…to sharethemoutside my mind? It was scarier than a punch to the temple. Elle watched me, her head tilted to the side and her expression blank.
I can do this.
“My parents died when I was eighteen. Three days after I was drafted. Besides Charlie, I have no other family. I went from the best moment of my entire life to the absolute worst in seventy-two hours. I’d trade everything to have them back. Hockey, my scholarship, you name it.”
“Cal.” She closed her eyes, reached over, and squeezed my forearm. “There aren’t words.”
“I’m a chickenshit, okay? When Charlie mentioned he might have a daughter, I got fucking thrilled. Another family member? It wasn’t just me and Charlie? Another small piece of my mom? I almost threw up I was so happy but then I got scared. What if she has someone else to live with? What if she makes Charlie move away, leaving me alone…again? What if I love her, and something happens to her? I can’t… I can’t go through it again. The pain.”
Elle’s eyes filled with moisture, red painting her cheeks before she closed the distance between us and wrapped her armsaround my middle. She rested her head against my chest, and I froze.
A full body hug? It had beenyears.
She squeezed me and wouldn’t let go.
“Elle.”
“Hug me back, damnit.”
It took a second to find a natural stance, but I placed my hands around her shoulders, cradling her head against me, and I squeezed her. So many things happened inside my body at once. The increased pulse for entirely different reason. The tightening of my gut because she wasso damnclose. The thrill of touching her, the comfort from the hug, how she smelled, the way her hair tickled my chin. The thud of her heartbeat against me. The pace my heart pounded at how good she felt against me.
I took it all in and breathed.
“Thank you for sharing this with me.” Her voice was all muffled from my shirt. She still didn’t let go of her grip, and I rested my chin on her head.
Holding her felt right. Amazing. Like the missing piece. But I wasn’t foolish enough to think this meant anything more than a comfort hug. She should be with a guy like Ty, not me. The one who upset her and freaked out from a photo. It hurt, but I accepted it then and there that we’d only be friends.
