My soul ached, and my heart shattered into pieces as I sank to the ground. If this was the right choice, then why did it feel so horrible?
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Michael
Cal shoved fries into his mouth and chewed with his mouth open.
Disgust rolled through me. “Close your mouth when you eat, Jesus.”
“Just cause you’re a coach now doesn’t mean you can boss me around.” He smirked like he had the best zinger in the world.
“I’m saying this as a human being who likes food, not as your assistant coach. If I wanted to boss you around, then I would. You can’t do shit about it.” I took a slow sip of my water and rolled my shoulders, wishfully thinking it would ease the pain there.
One week since my life shifted. One week since seeing Naomi. She wanted to befriends,and we hadn’t talked once.Friendssure felt like a death sentence. I scratched my chest as the pang flared there, and I focused on Cal. I stayed true to my word about not telling a soul about the nights we drank together, but we had to change things now that I was on the staff.
God, an assistant coach at twenty-four. It didn’t seem real. But again, a lot of moments in my life didn’t feel real until they happened. The nagging sensation in my gut disappeared and was replaced with something like peace. Likethiswas what I was supposed to do.
Even my sister was thrilled for me.You found your place in the world. You’re meant to lead others on the ice like you always have. Enjoy it, bro.Her words helped ease the pain of losing Naomi, but the ache remained there.
It didn’t seem fair that getting an opportunity for my future came at the cost of the first person I’d opened up to in years. What sucked was that I understood her hesitation about me coaching. I did. I just… assumed she knew I’d be different. Or I’d hoped she’d give me a chance.
I fisted my hand and powered through the pulsing in my temple. Focus on the good. The coaching opportunity. On learning from Coach Simpson. On the fact I got a salary. A decent one.
Even as I listed all the good news in my mind, the one glaringbadmoment remained fresh. Naomi deciding it was too hard to try and be together. I scrubbed a hand over my face and regretted it because I had ketchup on my fingers. Annoyed at her, myself, and Cal’s loud chewing, I groaned.
“Dude, you’re grumpier than normal,” Cal said, grease dripping down his chin. He wiped it with the back of his hand, and I snorted. He was uncivilized.
“Yeah, that can happen.”
Cal furrowed his brows and set his food down, leaning onto his elbows and frowning at me. “Your parents are cheering for you, you know? With you getting this job. They’ll be proud.”
My throat tightened, and for the life of me, I wanted to cry. The absolute understanding in Cal’s eyes was enough to set me over the edge. Suddenly, I had to move. To run. To do something other than sit here and feel and think. “Let’s go.”
“Uh, I’m not done.”
“Fine, stay and finish. I gotta get out of this place.” He had like four fries left. I stood and tossed a twenty on the table. I didn’t wait to see if he followed before walking out of the cafe and breathing in the crisp fall air. The chilled temperatures always soothed me in a way that some people talked about the summer heat.
The cold was less personal and comforting than warmth, I knew that, but I preferred the sting in my throat, the way my nose tingled from the wind. It was familiar and safe like back home. I stood at the edge of campus and focused on things to ground myself. The leaves changing color since Thanksgiving was right around the corner. The fading colors of the bricked buildings with the clouds covering most of the sky. The throngs of students walking to or from class.
I wished I could call my dad and ask for advice. For him to tell me what to do or how to get these feelings to go away. I wanted to hear my mom’s voice.
I called Ryann.
“This is Ryann’s phone,” Jonah answered, and my first instinct was to yell at him for picking up her phone.
But they lived together, had been together for years, and he was good for her. I didn’t have a complaint about him except for the facttheyfigured out how to make it work when I couldn’t. “Hey, J.D.”
“Everything good? Your sister’s in the shower, but I can get her if it’s urgent.”
“No, it’s… not.” I sighed and scratched my chest again.
“Cool. Congrats on getting the coaching job, by the way.” He sounded like he genuinely meant his words. “Can’t think of anything better suited for you.”
“Nice words, coming from you,” I said, a sliver of myold selfreturning.
“I mean, damn.” He cleared his throat. The guy was horrible at compliments and general conversation unless it was with Ryann, so I cut the guy some slack.
“I appreciate it, Jonah, I really do.”
