I rubbed my eyes with my palms and let out a long breath. The mention of his name was like a pair of scissors digging into my chest. I missed him and the foreign feeling kept me up at night. I crossed my arms and relaxed further into our weathered couch, hoping the squishy seat would bring me comfort. “The baseball season came to an end.”
“Okay?”
“We hooked up because we were together all the time.” I winced as soon as the words left my mouth. “Okay, not true.But we didn’t break up. We weren’t together.”
“Fiona, you spent the night at his place most of the past month. I’m going to call major bullshit. What’s holding you back? Is it fear? Grow up, girlfriend. Can’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
“Did you just use a baseball quote at me?” I snorted, but hated how her words made sense. She was the second person to tell me to grow up. Gideon…those were the last words he’d said to me eight days ago. His crumpled face, tortured words and anger were how I’d left it with him. My eyes stung again and a panicked desperation took over.
“Oh, I quote it at you. Get in the batter’s box. Take charge. Lead the team to victory. Don’t watch a pitch go by. Let—”
“Stop.” I held up my hand and laughed. Her brave attempt at pulling me out of my misery helped a little, but the sorrow I carried around felt like a part of me now. “No more baseball talk.”
“Then spill it. I don’t have to work for another hour and I’ve had enough of your walls. I’m tearing them down.” She took the seat next to me and gave me such a pointed stare I almost winced. Almost.
I told her everything. The fear of having him disappoint me after almost everyone I knew had. My dad. Justin. My sisters. Jade. My chest hurt and I couldn’t prevent the tears. I cried. She put an awkward hand on my back and tried to comfort me, and her kindness made the sobs come out. Grief. Guilt. Awareness.
“I’m so fucking sorry I lost it.” I wiped my eyes and sniffed. “Jesus.”
“It’s not healthy to keep all that shit locked up.”
“You’re one to talk,” I fired back and regretted it. She had been nothing but a good friend. “Shit. I’m being an asshole. Thank you for listening.”
“Of course. What are you going to do? You realize this is fixable, right? He isn’t Justin. He’s not your dad and he certainly isn’t your crazy family. What has he done that broke your trust?”
Not a thing.I gulped a couple of times before nodding. “It is fixable. I owe him an apology…more than that.”
“It’s never fun when we fuck up and have to apologize. It’ll suck. But you need to do it.”
My gaze went to the phone, but she shook her head. “In person, Fiona.”
“What if he doesn’t want to chat? He was pissed.”What if it’s too late?
“Well, he said he wanted more, and you didn’t acknowledge it.” She raised her eyebrows and gave my back another pat. “I have about twenty minutes to get ready, but call me if you need anything. I’m not a fan of how this happened, but I’m glad we took a step forward. We’re all sorts of fucked up, aren’t we?”
“Yeah.” I sniffed again and thought she might hug me. She didn’t and I relaxed. “Thank you.”
She smiled and disappeared into her room. I was left alone with my thoughts—and they weren’t a great place to be.Trust.My issue was trust. I didn’t have enough of it for most people, let alone men, and it wasn’t fair to put Gideon in the same category as the ones who’d hurt me. The picture of Justin and me mocked me and I grabbed my phone. The tipping point was Jade and the job. Using the excuse that she was too busy to include me wouldn’t fly. She’d looked me in the eye and said I was a part of the team. She’d let me down and I needed to talk it out with her. I stared at the old picture of me and Justin, embracing the waves of emotion going through me.
She answered on the second ring. “Lo? What’s going on, Fiona?”
“Ah, well… Are you busy?”
“I got ten minutes. What’s up?”
I rearranged the knick-knacks on the table and decided to cut the bullshit. “Why did you interview and hire employees without including me?”
“The schedule didn’t work out between my crazy life and your coaching. It wasn’t intentional—”
“Yes. It was, Jade. We made the board of four so we all could vote. Dianeandyou thought I should be on the board. I wasn’t there.” My voice remained leveled and focused despite my knee bouncing up and down and my heart beating against my ribs to the point of pain. “I’ve signed the contract already, but it makes me nervous. You broke my trust and I have no idea how to handle it.”
“Fiona, I’m sorry.” She hesitated. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
“Because I’ve got my own shit going on. Plus, the event is in two days and we’ve all been finalizing the details. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I want to know why.”
“I told you. It wasn’t intentional. We knew you had a game and I thought we were doing you a favor…listen, I swear. I would never leave you out of anything. Justin, well, you were the biggest role in his life. I know what this group, him, all of it means to you.”
The part right between my eyes began throbbing and another wave of emotion hit me, almost making me hunch over. “Don’t leave me out of anything. If I’m too busy or can’t make it, then fine. But leaving me out of three hires,threeof them, Jade, feels like a goddamn slap in the face.”
