“No. I’m not. I didn’t want to feel anything today because it all comes back. I caused my dad to leave us and Justin. The first man in my life who I’d loved left without a backward glance. He has a new family now, new daughters. Then, my first and last boyfriend died because of me.”
She broke down again and I carried her to bed. I should’ve gone to the couch, but I didn’t. I should’ve left her alone to heal, but I didn’t. I pressed her body against mine and shielded her from the world, even if just for one night.
Chapter Seventeen
Fiona
I woke up too warm. My body was on fire and I was stuck. I pushed and a groan had me sitting up. Last night came back in blurs.Bar. Justin. Seth. Gideon. Breakdown.A tall glass of water stood on the nightstand and I chugged it. Regret and shame filled me, the familiar sense of dread pulling me under. My clock read seven on the dot—no chance to sleep through this massive headache. My throat dried up when I thought about what I’d done, what I’d said.
“Morning,” Gideon grumbled and I didn’t have a choice. I had to face him. I squeezed my eyes shut, but he ran his fingers gently over my neck. “How are you feeling?”
“Humiliated. Not wanting to look at you.”
“Tough shit.” He shuffled and twisted me around. His sleepy grin was a hell of a sight. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d woken up with a guy. Ialwaysleft and they never stayed withme. “You look better. Sleep well?”
“I tend to sleep off hangovers.” I swallowed down the ball in my throat, but it didn’t help the pain. I didn’t know where to begin the conversation. It was probably best if I moved across the country and never spoke to him again.
“Lucky you. I don’t often drink, but when I do, it takes me two days to recover. I’m not even that old.”
I attempted to smile, but it came out too forced. I might be stubborn, but I knew when I’d fucked up. I had more fuckups than most and my tongue felt like sandpaper. “Words aren’t enough, but I’ll try. I’m sorry for what you saw, what I did. You didn’t deserve any of that.”
“You should have called me.”
I froze.Why? Why would I call him, my fuckbuddy? My co-coach?“Uh, no offense, but why?”
He groaned and pushed himself up onto his elbows. Our bodies didn’t touch, but my bed had never felt smaller. “You’re not the only person who’s been through some shit.”
I stared at him. What did I really know about him? I knew he had a sister, a niece and he played baseball. I knew he’d gotten injured, been forced to coach with a loser like me and that he liked nice cars and fucking.
He was also stubborn, frustrating, annoying, mean and controlling.
But he was also patient and kind, especially when he promised to apologize to the team. My chest felt like a fist was squeezing it and I picked at the edge of my shirt. It had a loose string on the end and I pulled on it. Gideon shifted again and lowered his voice. “My parents died in a terrible car accident on the way to pick Cheryl and me up from a party back when I was barely in the minors. We were drunk and didn’t have money for a cab. We, uh, didn’t realize my dad was stressed at work and wasn’t sleeping. Or that my mom had had a glass of wine herself. It happened six years ago, but sometimes I still pick up the phone and want to call them.”
His voice broke. The cracked syllable changed my entire perspective of him. It was all I could do to not stare open-mouthed at him. Pain spread through me. This time, it wasn’t my own.When Justin and I were laughing, worrying about trivial teenager shit, Gideon lost both his parents.I clasped my fingers around his arm and he continued. “It was one of the most horrific nights of my life. I…I remember the call. The sound of Cheryl’s screams. The look in the officer’s eyes. The guilt is indescribable. Rationally, we didn’t crash into our parents, but we’re the reason they drove. So, don’t apologize. I get it.”
“I had no idea…” I continued to grip his arm. “I’m sorry. I would say it’s not your fault, but the words are wasted. I told you something no one else knows last night.”
“What’s that?”
“How Justin died. Texting me.” My jaw strained again and I glanced at the picture of him on the wall. “I made him leave when he was distracted and shouldn’t have been driving. No one knows, Gideon. No one. Not my sisters. Not his mom.”
“That’s a long time to be carrying a secret around.” His brought his fingers down to my face again and ran the tip of one over my cheek. “I know you don’t trust me, but what happened stays here.”
“Thank you.” I closed my eyes. “I’m embarrassed, though. I drank too much. I rarely drink more than one or two—it was harder this year. The charity gave me purpose, but it opened up all the emotions I pushed down. I’m supposed to decide if I want to work there by the New Year. I have no idea if I want to. God. I’m rambling. Sorry.”
“No, don’t worry.” He rubbed my shoulder and I swore he was about to kiss me. But that wouldn’t have made sense. We didn’t do that. We had sex or annoyed each other. The comforting was new territory and it scared the shit out of me. “Fiona. You have that line between your eyebrows. Spill it.”
“You’re being nice to me. It’s weird as fuck.” I stood and cringed at my reflection. Jesus, I had raccoon eyes. I wiped under them and met his gaze in the mirror. “We fuck. I prefer that.”
“Okay. Blunt, but okay.” He ran his tongue over his bottom lip with a half-smile. “We need to get a couple things straight. You listening?”
“Yeah? Are you going to lecture me?” I crossed my arms. The glint in his eyes was back.Finally.Back to normal. “If so, save it. I can take care of myself.”
He rolled his eyes and ignored me. “I don’t share. We’re fuckbuddies but you’re mine.”
I shivered at the intensity of his words and the color of his eyes. They darkened and I squirmed. Maybe my clothes should come off…Wait.“I don’t do relationships.”
“Did I say I wanted one?”
