“I’m already warm.”
“Ryann.” He narrowed his eyes, sucking in a quick breath before he pointed his racket at me. “I brought you here to distract you.”
“I’m distracted.” I took a step toward him, but he pretended to hit me with the racket.
“Stay on your side.”
I took another step and dragged my gaze down his body, taking my time admiring him. My body heated with need. “Yeah, super unfocused. Why are we here? Why are your shorts on?”
He grinned and rested a hand on my hip, digging his thumb into my skin for a second as he ran his gaze along my face and chest. “We can dowhateveryou want when we get back, but I think this will help you.”
“Being naked with you would serve just fine,” I said, ignoring the warmth and care on his face. He was trying to take care of me again, and it was too much. Sexual teasing and surface conversations were safer, but no matter how much I tried to bring the conversation back to that, he deterred it.
He ran his teeth over his bottom lip before he pushed me away. “I want you to hit this ball as hard as you can at the furthest wall. Right now.”
“Um, okay?”
He handed me the bright blue ball, and I tossed it into the air, swinging horribly and missing.
“Try again, you got it.”
I did, and the sound of it bouncing the wall vibrated through me. My muscles burned, and my heart raced. When it bounced back, I swung again. Then again. And again.
“This is great for agility and hand-eye coordination, but when I couldn’t handle what my mom did, I came in here and hit as hard as I could,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I thought maybe you’d like it.”
Whack. Thud. Woosh. Sweat dripped down my temples, and I sucked in air at the constant movement. I swung as hard as I could, my poor biceps groaning in pain, but it felt wonderful.
The rage at how unfair life was flowed through me. The anger at losing my parents. The fear of not knowing the future. All of it combined into a hot mess of emotions, and I swung harder. I grunted as the thuds sounded like the game to our right.
“Fuck,” I yelled, not even letting Jonah get a turn. I whacked it over and over, and my heart thudded in my chest so damn hard I had to stop to catch my breath. I panted, put my hands on my knees, and gasped for air.
“Stand up. It’s easier to get oxygen to your lungs when you’re upright.” Jonah neared me, his brows furrowed together and his jaw tight. “Let me get you water, hold on.”
He disappeared from the room, leaving me with my sweat and thoughts, and I sat onto the floor, heaving as the adrenaline wore off. He was right. This did help, and the notion he’d pushed me outside of my routine made me almost smile.
It couldn’t fully form though. Michael and Lex were in the hallway, walking right past our window, my brother’s face stony and serious. Guilt ate at me. He would be suffering today too, and I didn’t reach out to him.
Lex said something, but Michael didn’t have his easy smile or goofy expression. His hard gaze swept over our room, but he didn’t see me. Relief flowed through me, followed by an aching guilt that almost made me throw up.
I didn’t call my brother on our mom’s birthday. I was sleeping with his teammate even though I promised him I wouldn’t, and I let my feelings get involved. Jesus. I rubbed my temples and kinda hoped the ground would swallow me up. I was the worst kind of human. When Jonah walked back into our room, his glistening chest on display, I almost cried again.
“Here, drink this, champ.” He gave me that half smile and sat on the ground next to me. “How you doing?”
“Confused.” That was the truth. It prevented me from spilling everything. I took a long drink of the water, the moisture feeling great on my throat since gasping for air and working out weren’t my normal thing.
“Well, thank god you’re good at making lists.” He nudged my shoulder with his, and a pang of sadness hit me hard.
We could never be a couple. Until that second I hadn’t realized…I wanted to be with him. Not in secret. Not just in our place where we were safe. Being with him would be…the best, but it could never happen. God, I wouldn’t be able to kiss him again once the season started. Would he bring other girls back to the apartment?
Fuck. I gripped the water harder as my mind raced through all the ways this would suck. We’d have to go back to being friends oronlyroommates who saw each other in passing.
Would he open up about his mom to someone else? Would they comfort him and be there for him when he needed a friend? My eyes stung, and my stomach heaved at the heartbreak of knowing we would never be together. All of this…the hooking up, the secret, would only ever be that. A secret relationship with a ticking clock and a finish line. I wouldn’t get to be with Jonah like I craved.
Not while my brother was on the team.
Next year then.
“Hey, you look like you’re about to cry. Get up, let’s play a game but maybe tone it down? You’re going to be sore tomorrow. You went a little Rambo.” He held out a hand, pulled me to my feet, and looked at me with so much tenderness I almost broke into pieces.
