Thank God for Cecilia and Silas, who had just gone through all the stages of a baby. They’ve been helping me as much as possible, along with my baby sister, Aubrey, who babysits whenever she can between classes at NYU.
I’m so grateful to everyone for helping, but it’s not their job. It’s mine. I’m just struggling to do it all with hockey and how much it consumes in my life. It’s really not an ideal career for raising a baby on your own. But I can’t give up hockey; it’s been my dream for so long. I just need to figure out a solution to my problem and stop being so picky with hiring a nanny.
For now, it’s been working out pretty decently since Aubrey still lives with me. She moved in two years ago from Toronto, where we grew up. But she’s moving out at the end of the week, so starting next week I’ll truly and utterly be on my own with Gracie.
The thought terrifies me. Not that I don’t trust myself to raise my daughter alone; I do. But I’m still struggling to do it. I still have a hard time with nighttime feeding and her routine. Every time I think I’m getting the hang of it, something new happens and I freak out.
It doesn’t help that Gracie’s been fussy ever since I took her in. She might be a baby, but losing a mother will affect even the strongest of us.
I didn’t know her mom; she was just some one-night stand after an emotional evening. I didn’t know her name, hell, I didn’t even remember what she looked like. Not until I picked up my daughter and had all the information handed to me.
Apparently, Gracie’s mother had been struggling mentally since getting pregnant but thought it would fade after having the baby. Only it didn’t. She ended up leaving Gracie with her best friend, claiming she had errands to run, then went back home and committed suicide.
When I found all that out, I felt even more like a piece of shit. Maybe her depression started because of me, because she found out she was pregnant and couldn’t get to me. Then she was all alone, trying to raise our daughter.
Maybe if I had been there during the pregnancy, or at least once Gracie was born, things would have been different for her. I’m just thankful she cared enough about her child to leave a letter in the diaper bag, stating I was the father and should have the chance to raise my daughter.
My life took a major turn that day. One minute, I was a single bachelor living his best life. The next, I was a single dad running around and losing sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter. I loved her the moment she looked up at me with the same identical eyes as mine.
I didn’t need a paternity test to tell me she was my child. Looking at her was like looking at pictures of Aubrey when she was a baby. With that ashy-blonde hair, pale brown eyes, and freckles dotting over the bridge of her tiny little upturned nose and cheeks, she was definitely mine.
I look over to where Coach is, hoping to catch a glimpse of my baby girl, but stop mid-skate when I notice he no longer has thebaby carrier on. I look behind him to where the stroller should be, but it’s also gone.
Panic rushes through my veins as I speed skate over to Coach Jefferson, stepping off the ice and looking behind the boards. “Where is she?! Where’s Gracie?” I ask with fear in my voice.
“Relax, Ford. Emma offered to watch her while we finished up here. She took her for a stroll,” Coach says, brushing me off.
Relax? Relax!?
“Emma? You left my daughter with Emma Mackenzie?! She’s crazy! She’s probably off giving Gracie a—” My words die on my tongue as I hear a cheerful squeal to my left.
I look over and find my daughter in Emma’s extended arms as she makes her fly through the air. Gracie shrieks with excitement every time Emma zigzags from side to side, changing her trajectory, the stroller sitting at the end of the hall behind them.
“What were you saying?” Coach smirks with a chuckle.
I don’t bother replying because my daughter is laughing. She’s laughing.I’ve never heard her laugh…
Something constricts in my chest as I massage the spot with my gloved fist, willing it to go away. I don’t dare move, afraid to break the beautiful spell happening before my eyes.
Coach sighs heavily beside me. “Go, we’re almost done here, anyway. Locker room for team meeting in ten, though.” He taps me on the shoulder, then turns back to the ice.
I march over in my skates to where Gracie and Emma are. When Emma sees me coming, she stops her amusements and brings my daughter down to her hip.
When I’m within reach, I remove my glove and swipe my thumb tenderly over Gracie’s cheek. “Hi, baby. You having fun?” I ask softly despite my gravelly voice.
“I offered to watch her for Shane while you guys finish up. I thought she’d be less fussy moving around rather than staying inone spot. I hope her dad won’t mind,” Emma says as she bounces Gracie.
“It’s fine. As long as she’s not too much to handle for you.”
“Oh, no. Little Tulip is a ray of sunshine.” She smiles down at my daughter.
“Tulip?” I frown at the name.She does know her name is Gracie, right?
“It’s just a silly little name. She reminds me of a pretty little tulip. A bit shy and closed off at first, but then blooms into a beautiful flower when you give her the chance.”
Well, shit. She spends a few minutes with my daughter and already knows her better than I do… I really suck at this parenting thing.
Gracie reaches for me from Emma’s arms at that moment. “No, baby. Daddy’s all dirty right now and doesn’t want to get you all stinky. But I’ll take you real soon, okay?” I lower myself to be closer to her and lay a kiss on her forehead.
