Oh, thank God!My body relaxes as I let out a breath. “I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.”At least not with him…
Greyson puts a sleeping Gracie in the back seat as I wave goodbye to Morgan and Clay and climb into the passenger seat with Daisy on my lap. A minute later, Grey sits behind the wheel and starts his truck, putting it in reverse and beginning our drive home.
Normally we would have left a while ago since it’s an hour past Gracie’s bedtime. But Morgan and Clay were playing around with Gracie, and then Morg insisted on putting her to sleep when her eyes started drooping, so we stayed. We understand this is something they crave, so we let them have their moment. But now I’m exhausted and ready for bed.
I sigh, leaning my head against the window as I watch the neighborhood homes pass by. Despite my exhaustion, I can’t get my mind to shut off. I haven’t been able to since Grey’s comment before we left to go dress shopping.
“Hey, you okay? You’re pretty quiet over there.” I feel Greyson’s eyes on me, but I keep my gaze out the window.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I don’t feel like getting into this right now with him. I know he most likely didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but my brain just refuses to believe it any other way.
He sighs, passing his hand through his hair while leaning his head back against the headrest. I watch from the corner of my eye as his fists tighten around the steering wheel. “Look, if this is about what I said earlier, I really didn’t mean it the way you think. I know it sounded bad, certainly after the stupid shit I’ve said, but I promise it was meant as a joke. Nothing else.”
“I know, Greyson. It’s fine. I’m just tired.” I give him the age old excuse, but by the look he gives me, I know he doesn’t believe me.
We make the next few minutes home in silence, and once inside, I excuse myself for a shower while Greyson takes care of putting Gracie to bed. I walk into Greyson’s room, now that I’ve started sleeping in here again, and over to the bathroom. Once inside with the door closed, I rest my hands on the vanity and close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths as I feel my emotions swirling around.
I hate that I can’t just move past this, that I can’t just believe him and forgive him. I don’t want to constantly doubt everything he says, I don’t want to question everything he does, butfuck, I can’t help it. There are so many things he could have said to me that night, so many things I would have been able to ignore and move on from. But he had to say the worst one, the one I fear the most, the one I’m incapable of letting go no matter how often I try.
He knows how bad my insecurities are revolving around my mother, he knows how much I struggle with getting her out of my head. And ever since our fight, no matter how many times he’s said he was sorry and has done everything to prove it, it’s like my mother’s voice has taken a permanent place in my mind, and I can’t silence her. Constantly telling me how unworthy I am, how everything I do is wrong, that I’ll never be good enough, or never be pretty enough. That no man will ever want me with the way I am. That I’m just a fuck-up, a mistake she wishes she never made.
She may never have said those words to my face directly, but I still remember the first time I heard them leave her lips. Gretchen was badly sick and couldn’t watch me for the day, which meant I was forced to spend it with my mother as she went for tea with her friends. I had excused myself to thebathroom, and when I returned, I caught my mother telling her friends that having me was the worst mistake she ever made because all I did was cry all the time. It was a few months after my grandfather’s funeral, and I was still struggling with the fact that he was gone.
I ended up returning to the bathroom and cried for the next two hours until one of her friends came in and found me. Not even my mother. She couldn’t have been bothered to come look for me. She probably hadn’t even noticed I was gone.
I don’t realize I’m crying until a few tears fall onto my hands. I hate that I can’t let any of this go. I wish I could just erase all these horrible memories from my mind, and maybe then it would be easier to forgive Greyson.
I look up into the mirror, hating the woman looking back at me, when a soft knock vibrates through the door. “Emma?”
I sniffle, quickly wiping my tears away. “I’m okay,” I call back just as Greyson opens the door to the bathroom.
His face falls when he sees my state, and he quickly comes over, taking me in his arms. “Fuck, Bunny… I’m so fucking sorry… You have to believe me.”
I bury myself against his chest, my tears soaking his shirt. “I want to believe you, Wolf… I want to so fucking badly... but I don’t know how…” I admit.
“Tell me what to do, how to make you see that I didn’t mean anything I said. Just say it and I’ll do it. I’ll try harder, I promise.” His hand cradles the back of my head while his arm around my body tightens like he’s afraid if he lets go, I’ll slip away.
“It’s not just that, Greyson… You know me better than anyone else, you know how much I struggle with these thoughts. As much as I want to believe you, I can’t just forget the fact that you compared me to her…”
“I know, and I’ll forever hate myself for making you think that. But I swear it, Bunny, I swear it on everything that’s important to me that you are nothing like her.” He releases me only to cup my cheeks and force me to look into his eyes. “You are the most beautiful human this world has ever been gifted. Every day with you is a gift in itself. People would sacrifice themselves just to have half a heart as big as yours, while your mother doesn’t even have a quarter of it. You aren’t her, Emma. And I promise I’ll keep proving it to you for the rest of my life until you believe me.”
I nod, unable to speak as the tears continue to flow freely down my cheeks.
“I know I’m not perfect, and I really,reallyfucked up the other night. But I’m working on doing better, on getting a handle on my temper. If you want me to see a professional to help manage my emotions and be more careful of what I say, I’ll do that. Just say it and I’ll do it. Because I don’t want to risk losing you over this, Bunny. I can’t…wecan’t.”
I rest my palms on his chest, closing my eyes as he brings our foreheads together. “I don’t want you to change for me, Wolf. I just need to get out of my head a bit.”
“I understand, but I wish you would talk to me when the voices get too loud… I want to fix my mistakes, Bunny, but I can’t do that if you shut me out every time.” He gently rubs his nose against mine, his thumb reaching up to wipe my tears.
“I know.” I let out a breath, my emotions slowly settling down. “And you won’t lose me, Greyson. I could never leave you. Both of you.” My hands move up from his chest to wrap around his neck as his tighten around my body.
“Good, because you are my universe, Emma Mackenzie, and I don’t want to be in it if you aren’t standing right here beside me,” he whispers in my ear before kissing my temple.
Chapter forty
Emma
Picture with McDreamy.
