“I’m sure I’ll be fine to wait a few more days to find out. Besides, I’m probably just so stressed with the move and recording and the breakup that my cycle has been affected. I’ll get it any day now, I’m sure of it.”
Though even as I say it, doubt weighs heavily in my mind when I think of all the times Jax and I had unprotected sex since we decided to forgo wearing condoms after the Fourth of July weekend.
Dear god, please please please let me get my period.
I did not get my period.
Shocking, I know.
Especially considering the five positive pregnancy tests littering the floor surrounding Ryan and I in her dorm suite’s bathroom. Thank god it’s private. I can’t even imagine taking one of these in the communal bathrooms down the hall.
The reality of my current situation is so far outside the realm of things I drew up in my mind when I allowed myself to fantasize about all the things I’d do in Boston.
Instead of walking down the cobblestone streets of Beacon Hill hand-in-hand with Jax as the fall leaves littered the streets and gaslit lamps dimly illuminated our path, I’m hyperventilating on tiled flooring, praying with everything in me that I haven’t just ruined everything.
Thoughts of all the ways this pregnancy could destroy not only my future, but Jax’s as well have nausea churning deep in my stomach.
Ryan rubs my back, quelling some of my anxiety. “Are you gonna tell him?” Her voice is unsure like she debated whether or not to ask me.
With trembling hands, I pick up one of the pieces of plastic that has forever altered the trajectory of my life. As much as I’d love to desperately cling to the carefree and in love version of myself I was only a few months ago, I can no longer do that. My life is not solely my own anymore, and in turn, Jackson’s is also about to change. I realize that, I really do, but it doesn’t mean I’m not terrified of what his father will do in retaliation once he hears about what I’ve done.
“I have to.” Swallowing past the tears, anxiety, and fear clogging my throat, I shift to face her. “Regardless of where the two of us stand right now, he deserves to know we’re going to have a baby.”
“Don’t you think he deserves to know about his father blackmailing you into breaking his heart too?”
Yeah, so there wasn’t a way for me to hide the real reason for my abrupt change in my future from Ryan. She knows me far too well and saw how broken I was after leaving Jax for her to believe the story that I chose a possible record deal over him. Ry didn’t even have to press much before the truth came spilling out about Jax’s dad and his blackmail disguised as an ultimatum.
I shake my head. “No, he can’t.”
Ryan grabs my one hand in hers. “Taev, come on, be sensible about this. He’s your husband and about to be the father of your child, he needs to know what his father is capable of. There’s no way Jax will let you walk out of his life while carrying his baby.”
“I should probably, like, confirm I’m really pregnant first before I blow up our whole lives for nothing,” I tell her, grabbing my phone off the bathroom vanity.
She snorts out a scoff. “I mean, I doubt you’re unlucky enough to receive five faulty pregnancy tests that all happen to be a false positive. But I know there’s a Planned Parenthood a few blocks down. We can go together if you want and see if they’ll do a pregnancy test at the clinic.”
“Do they do walk-ins like that?”
Ryan shrugs. “Not sure, but we can go see.” She stands up and offers me her hands. “Come on, let’s go before they close.”
After we grab our jackets and make our way out of her dormitory, we walk hand in hand toward the clinic. As we walk down the street, I can’t help but fall in love with October in Boston. The weather hasn’t turned yet in Nashville, we’re still having seventy-degree days without the need for a sweater. The brisk breeze is one I welcome as I hug my jacket around me a little tighter.
I can tell Ryan’s been silently mulling over something since we left her dorm, so I finally prompt, “Out with it.”
She rolls her lips together in hesitation. “I wasn’t going to suggest this because I didn’t want you to feel ambushed but Harvard has their first exhibition game tonight.” Chancing a glance at me, she looks sheepish. “It’s actually one of the reasons I suggested you come this weekend. They play at home versus Emery University.”
I look down at my feet as we wait at a crosswalk. “I’m not sure he’d want me there, Ry.”
“I’m pretty sure if the number of missed calls from him and unreturned texts is anything to go off of, he’d definitely want you there.” Ryan pulls me in, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “Just think about it, okay? I may or may not have got us two tickets in case you wanted to go . . . so we’re covered on that front.”
She doesn’t even flinch as I bat at her arm.
Shaking my head, I breathe in a deep sigh. “After I get through this appointment I’ll contemplate whether or not I want to face him tonight. It’s only Friday. I’ve got until Sunday evening before my flight back to Nashville.”
With one quick nod, she drops the subject and instead grips my hand in hers, squeezing it to let me know she’s here for me.And I lean into her strength and support, praying I can channel some of it to get me through this.
The sound of a whirring heartbeat echoing off the walls only hours ago is now replaced by the chants and cheers of the Harvard student section as I watch the love of my life skate to center ice to start the game.
Across the faceoff circle from Jackson is a player with a familiar last name splayed across his shoulders.
