Growling like a beast, I force myself to stay in place. I will not punch the man I love. "She may have broken our hearts, but it's our own fucking fault for turning to anger instead of understanding. Violet is avictim!"
"Don't fucking look at me like I'm the only one who was hurt and pissed at her!" Ellis bellows, but his eyes look red like he's on the verge of crying, which makes me pause and let him continue. "I wasn't the only one who laughed about fucking around with Jamie to get back at her! I'M NOT THE ONLY BAD GUY!"
I watch my best friend, my eternal love, slam a fist into his chest. That pained move combined with his words makes my breath stutter.
"I'm. Not. A. Bad. Guy." Ellis changes his wording and says it quietly, slowly, like he's trying to force himself to believe his words.
"Damn it," I curse and rush forward to hug him. He doesn't break down in tears, but he does swing his arms around me and holds on to me like I'm his lifeline.
I don't say anything for a few minutes. Gathering my thoughts before I speak this time is really importantbecause I'm now realizing just how fragile Ellis is feeling. Hell, he's been fragile ever since we saw Violet at the coffee shop. I just really fucking wish his fragility didn't make him sharp when he breaks. But that's hard for me to ask of him when it's who he is.
Fuck. I came at him guns blazing and throwing out accusations. Just like he did with Violet. He's right—he isn't the only one who made bad choices and treated others poorly.
The thing about heartbreak is that it can change brain chemistry. My required psychology course in college taught me that dopamine and neurotransmitters are affected, altering pain and attachment. This can lead to intense emotions or withdrawal. Obsessive thinking, grief, anxiety, and depression are all symptoms of a breakup. We experienced them all.
Ellis never knew such pain until Violet shattered our future by running away. He lived a slightly sheltered, loving life with encouraging parents and two younger sisters who adore him.
When Violet ghosted us, Ellis changed. Of course I've loved him the same and even more through the heartache, but sometimes competing with his heavy emotions triggers my own.
I may be the leader in our relationship, but I'm human too. My feelings get the best of me sometimes as well. I'm not just a dominant machine that keeps my man in line and loved. I need something similar in return. Something I think Jamie might be for me if he gives us a chance.
Together when in pain, Ellis and I have a highprobability of weaving toxicity. Which we did after we saw Violet and Jamie at the coffee shop. It was clear they were in some kind of relationship. Add a little alcohol to our open wounds? Well, we fucked up.Bad.
"I'm sorry, darling," I coo in his ear, letting the emotion slip through a little so he can hear my truth. "You're right. You aren't a bad guy. Neither am I. We made a bad choice fueled by anger. But," I hesitate, not wanting to sound too sensitive or weird.
I have a beard, I cut wood for a living, and I wear big bulky work boots everywhere I go. I'm outwardly masculine, which always makes me hesitate to share thoughts or feelings that might seem more attributable to a female. Societal norms for someone who looks like me do not include knowledge about feelings or vast insight. At least in my experience. I was made fun of in high school and college for expressing myself because no buff kid with a lot of hair shouldfeelapparently.
"But?" Ellis encourages, knowing I'm struggling a bit.
I take a deep breath, accepting that I'm in a safe place with my partner. "But there's more than anger. Honestly, I don't even think I'm mad at her anymore. I'm sad, Ellis. I miss her."
Ellis pulls back and studies me. "I miss V too. But I don't think the girl we fell in love with exists anymore."
"She does," I reply resolutely. "Violet's a victim whose trauma forced her to retreat and withdraw. I believe she's still in there. We saw it before we interrupted her date with Jamie, remember?"
He nods slightly, but there's still a heavy dose ofuncertainty in his eyes. Honestly, I really do see the girl we knew in the older version we keep hurting. She has purple streaks in her hair for fuck’s sake. If her quirkiness still exists, then other aspects are still there.
Slumping against my chest again, Ellis groans. "I miss her so much, Nate."
I palm the back of his head and allow my sadness to swallow the anger inside me. "I know. Me too. The least we can do is relieve her of the guilt she showed us the other day. We need to tell her we forgive her. Maybe even that we miss her."
"Even if she never wants to see us again?" Ellis mumbles into my dusty shirt.
Nodding, I answer him. "Even if she doesn't want to see us again. We need to set her free, darling."
"Okay," Ellis whispers, sounding worried.
I'm scared too, but one of us needs to stand tall for a bit, and Ellis slumped over before I could so it's up to me. "We'll go see Jamie tomorrow and try to convince him to get us into contact with Violet."
Ellis snorts and shakes his head, obviously feeling as hopeful as I am. We'll be lucky if Jamie even opens the door to see us.
Twenty-Eight
JAMIE
With my eyes closed, I imagine the warm water circling the base of my hardening cock is actually Violet's little tongue. Just thinking about her is enough to make me tremble and act like a fucking teenager in the shower.
She's coming over soon, and my body can't control itself and wait for her before it starts getting greedy.
