"What are you thinking about right now?" Nate surprises me with his question and gentle touch on my jaw.
Shifting back, I watch as his hand drops between us. "Currently I'm wondering why you would want to touch me."
Nate cocks his head and scans my face. Who knows what he sees beyond my watery eyes and blotchy face. I amnota pretty crier.
"I—" Nate can't even get his thought out. I shouldn't be offended that he can't explain why he felt the urge to touch me. Hell, they're only here for an apology or to get in Jamie's pants, so it's time to get this show on the road.
I nod. "Can you just ask me your questions? Please."
Ellis and Nate make eye contact. I try not to let it bother me, but once upon a time I would have been able to read them like they do each other.
"Where did you go? After Blue was safe." Nate takes the lead, which is probably for the best considering Ellis hates my guts and can't say a single sentence without making his feelings for me known.
My back starts to itch as I break out in a nervous sweat. Don't get me wrong, I've been sweating since they sat down, but now I have their full attention. The weight resting on my upcoming words is suffocating.
"Everywhere. I took my car and made it my mission to stay lost for as long as I could."
I can tell by Ellis' scowl that my answer wasn't satisfactory before he even opens his mouth. "What does that even mean?"
I shrug and twist my hands in my lap. "Just driving. I stopped at state parks, camped out in my car, and visited new places."
Ellis is practically fuming next to me, so Nate asksthe next question. "Why didn't you come to us, V? We would have done anything for you."
Would have, past tense.I have no right to be so heartbroken by that distinction, yet I bleed anyway.
"I—" Swallowing, I attempt to will the ball of stress in my throat away. "I?—"
"Really?" Ellis hisses, turning toward me completely. "Youhaveto have an answer, Violet. We were planning on fucking marrying you. You're telling me you left us in the dust for a fucking road trip?"
"That's not—I didn't—" Stumbling over my words is the last thing I need right now. I'm still sitting here with them so I can provide them with the closure they need. Yet I can't get anything to come out of my damn mouth.
Ellis' voice is sad when he asks, "Was there someone else?"
"Ellis," Nate hisses, fists clenching on the table.
Shaking my head furiously. "No. Never!" I declare while telling myself he has the right to accuse me of anything. What I did was horrible.EverythingI've done is fucking horrible.
My God. Just look at Jamie. This amazing man has been hooked on me for years, then the first time he seeks happiness elsewhere it's with my past. The three of them can't have a future together unless I get my act together and fix this.
"You can't blame me for asking, Violet." Ellis issomad I start shaking.
"I d-don't blame y-you. It was all m-my fault."
My muscles wind tighter and tighter as my vision ping pongs between them. Absentmindedly, I recognizeanother panic attack is hovering just beneath the surface, but I can't let it consume me. They need to understand how sorry I am.
"So sorry," I force out, pleading with them to piece together the shattered pieces of the girl they once knew.
I can’t tell what Nate is thinking, but his eyes widen and his shoulders look wider when I glance at him.
"Please," I whimper. "I'm sorry."
"Violet," Ellis calls out to me, so I turn to him and bring my hands beneath my chin to beg.
Please see me. See, I'm not malicious. I'm not bad or horrible. I'm LOST. I'mtrying! PLEASE HELP ME.
"I was scared. So scared. I messed up, and Mama got hurt. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you too. S-so I ran. I caused so much p-pain because of my choices. I couldn't—I couldn't?—"
Warmth trickles down my cheeks as Ellis blurs. Now I'll never know what he thinks of my shame...and I don't think I would like to.
