For mid-January, the night air isn't as biting as it usually is. So when I find out the club Cassidy is meeting her friends at is a few blocks away from Jamie's apartment, I decide a walk will help clear my head.
I was ready to drive myself to his place, but Cassidy kept asking me questions. Many of them were intrusive and made it obvious she had had a few shots before we left the apartment.
I did my best to tune her out during the drive, but even seven minutes in the car with her in that state was too much.
Now here I am, bundled in my winter coat and not feeling all that bad for Cassidy as she stands in line in her teeny dress. A man she walks up to wraps his arms around her, making my jealousy flare.
I already told her goodbye, so I quickly turn my back and start my stroll to Jamie's place. The next two blocks are thumping with nightlife, forcing me to weave through stumbling groups and women complaining about the winter freezing their cleavage off.
By the third block, things calm down a little. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I groan when I realize I left my wallet in the car. Whatever, I can use Tap to Pay if I have an emergency.
Glancing around, I take in the buildings and squint to find Jamie's down the road. With an intentional deep breath, I sift through my thoughts.
I'm ready to talk to Jamie about how I've closed myself off from connection. Honestly, if he's willing to wait while I work through some of my issues, I might want to try something serious with him.I think. Questions and getting to know him will come first.
Mama's advice wraps around my anxiety and gives me guidance until every sense of sanity is ripped away from me with a shrill scream that burns my vocal cords.
A thick arm coils around my throat as the stench of stale beer assaults my nose. "Give me your purse."
"I don't—" I croak, clawing at the man’s arm. Unable to find purchase on his slippery puffy jacket, I continue to struggle as he digs through my jacket.
My phone is in my bra along with my car key. Relief floods me when I register that he won't have anything to steal from me.
"You fucking bitch! Give me something!" He turns frantic, releasing my neck, but I don't have the chance to suck in oxygen before he's shoving me to the ground.
A foot to my right hip makes me cry out and sends me spiraling into a full-fledged panic attack. Losing sight of the man as my jacket is tugged and ripped has me freaking out.
Blackness makes my vision tunnel, and suddenly all I can think about is everything that happened to my mama. Will this man hurt me like my mom was hurt?Oh my god.Can I survive this? I'm not as strong as Blue.
I'm not strong...I think to myself as I lose sight of the world around me. Weightlessness steals my senses, and I'm gone.
Not. Strong.
Seventeen
JAMIE
Admitting that I actually enjoy spending time with Ellis and Nate is hard, but it's true. Just sitting here listening to Ellis express how much he loves working as a nurse makes me happy. He left his previous job so they could be closer to Nate's mom in Ferndale.
The couple live only about fifteen minutes out of Detroit, near Nate's mom. They also shared that their property is a huge upgrade because Nate's woodworking and crafting business has gotten big enough that he needed a garage space to work in.
Their previous home was more like a bachelor pad, but now they have a detached garage near the back of their property. Nate even showed me some pictures of his custom furniture and wood carvings—I was impressed and a little mesmerized.
The way Ellis has gushed with pride regarding Nate's work brought me sadness. I want to hear Violet express enthusiasm about the tattoos I create. Havingher show me off and being genuinely happy to flaunt me around would be a dream come true.
Nate's hand has been on my thigh throughout most of dinner. We kept it light and ordered a ton of appetizers while sipping our drinks.
The unspoken trajectory of our evening made my skin buzz and tingle as we talked. Sharing my story with them was easy after they gave me pieces of their lives.
I told them about my amazing mom and slightly gruff father. They live in Chicago, and when I told them that, there was a slight twitch of their posture that confused me. But they quickly shifted to asking about siblings, and I informed them I didn't have any.
Conversation was easy and connected us with every word we shared. It was nice not being cut off before my pants came off.
With that thought comes a lot of guilt, but I've reminded myself multiple times that Violet's gone. According to Cassidy, she's with multiple men. She's ignored me, and doesn't seem to care about me much anyway.
I know it's the hurt, defensiveness, and alcohol talking, but fucking hell I don't want to feel bad for finding a connection with someone else,two someonesactually, when the woman I love is trying to convince both of us we won't ever happen.
Nate startles me as he leans in and whispers, "Hey, you okay?" His hand on my thigh tightens.
