"Oh," I hum, looking down at the pretty notebook on my lap. "Yeah. Thank you."
She laughs quietly and continues. "Are you alright?"
I sigh. "I'm feeling, I don't know, off."
Nodding, Cassidy seems to agree with my guess. "Yeah. Well, I've known you for like five years, and this is the most I've seen you reflect on yourself. This is agoodthing. Personal growth is hard, though, because it's all up to you."
Ugh, she sounds like my therapist.Even though I'm internally rolling my eyes, I do agree with her. If I plan to change, to grow, and be a better person, then I must figure it out myself.
"Yeah," I repeat as I slowly lose myself in my thoughts. "It feels corny, and like someone would make fun of me if they knew I was journaling."
Cassidy frowns. "Wait, what the hell do you do withyour stack of notebooks in your room if you haven't been journaling?"
Confused, I look up at her. "What?"
"I thought you were already doing stuff like this." She gestures to my new possession. "Considering this is like your millionth notebook you've come home with in the past year."
Blinking at her, I try to wrap my head around what she's saying. To be clear, her statement isn't confusing; I'm just having a hard time concentrating. There are a lot of thoughts that need to be unloaded on these pages,andmy cramps are wrapping around my uterus as well as my lower back.
Glancing behind Cassidy and toward my bedroom, I can see one of my small stacks of adorable notebooks on my nightstand. "I just think they're pretty."
My explanation of my collection makes her laugh. "Well, I hope you find a use for them in the future. Maybe they'll become journals." She stands from the couch with a small smile and tells me she's going to go get some groceries.
Curling tighter around my favorite blanket and heating pad, I run my fingers across the printed flowers. A tap on my shoulder reveals Cassidy with her jacket on and a pen in her hand.
"Love you," she murmurs, and before I can gather the courage to say it back, she's gone.
With her encouragement and affection, I settle in and prepare to release my demons in the pretty binds of a notebook that reminds me of my mama.
I can do this.
Journal Entry
Fact or lie? The game I played today.
Nobody wants me around because I'm annoying. LIE - I think.
Cassidy doesn't actually like me. She just wants to keep me around to pay rent. LIE.
I don't know who I am anymore. Fact.
My collection of notebooks is dumb. Uncertain.
I'm rude. Fact.
I'm abrasive. Fact.
I hurt people’s feelings. Fact.
Cassidy walks on eggshells around me. Fact.
I manipulate.Fact.
I'm an unfeeling bitch. Lie.
I feel too much. Guilt being the number one emotion. Fact. FACT. FACT!
^ I deserve it. Fact?
