Chapter21
GIANNA
He keeps pushing me away,so why do I want him more and more?I’ve checked through the peephole so many times today that even Lidia is starting to notice, giving me weird looks over the book she’s reading each time I’m by the door.Chiara’s been in bed all day, claiming that the stress of the last few days is more than she can take.Else she would no doubt be quizzing me on my obsession with the peephole already.
The sun is starting to set and Matteo’s still not here.I’ve tried watching movies, but I keep picturing him and me in the leading roles and can’t keep my head on the plot.I’ve done and redone my makeup three times just to have something to do with my hands.And I’ve made sure all the trashcans in the apartment need taking out.That way I can start emptying them as soon as he gets here.Maybe get a full evening worth of contact with him out of it.So we can start collecting those secrets he promised me we’d keep.I think he was saying he likes me too and would like for us to be more than bodyguard and ward, but I’m not sure.And I need to find out.
I’m silly.I know I am.But it’s not something I can fight.This need I have to see him, to speak to him, to be near him is a physical need.An obsessive need.It drives all other needs from my mind.Even the need to eat and drink.I don’t understand it.But I know I can’t fight it.Nor do I want to.
I hear voices outside the front door and my heart leaps for joy because I recognize his.Not as hard as I leap, though.I nearly knock the trash can in my room over in my haste to pick it up.But I’m done analyzing my weirdness.I just need to see him.I only wait long enough so I don’t hear any more voices before opening the door.
The hallway seems empty and dark, cold, and uninviting.But then I step outside and close the door behind me, and he steps out of the shadows to my left and it’s like the sun came out in this windowless space, bright enough to take my breath.
“Taking out the trash again?”he asks and I very nearly tell him that no, I’m just here to see him.Somehow, I feel like he already knows that.
“It has to be done,” I say instead, my voice wooden and hoarse, my heart thundering in my chest so loud I’m sure he can hear it.He follows as I walk to the trash chute and my heartbeat just grows wilder and wilder.All day I’ve waited to see him and now I don’t know what to say.This is maddening.
Also maddening is the enticing scent of him—his cologne mixed with that fresh muskiness that’s all him—as he opens the chute so I can empty the trashcan I’m holding.That literally makes me weak in the knees.
“Thank you,” I mutter the first thing that comes to mind, because I need something to cut through this tension between us.
“You’re welcome.”
I don’t know if it’s his eyes, his incredible scent, or his closeness, but it’s taking a lot out of me not to just lean in and kiss him.That would break the tension between us for sure.And create so much more of it.
We’re just standing here, in the small space, me holding a trashcan, him the door, when we should be holding each other.
“If you wanted to go for another carriage ride today, I wouldn’t say no,” he finally says.
And I’m about as happy as I’d be if he asked me to marry him, I’m sure.Maybe happier.
I clear my throat to try and chase away the excitement.One thing I do know about men is that you should never let them know how interested you are in them.My grandmother told me that a long time ago.But going by the bright smile in his eyes, I think I’ve already failed at that.
“Yes, I’d like to go outside,” I say.“I’ve been in all day.”
But instead of a carriage ride, I’d prefer another ride in his fast car.Maybe all the way to the beach.Where we could watch the sunset and he could save me all over again.Save me from a loveless life.A life high up in the clouds of my golden tower.A life devoid of actually living.
I don’t say that.I just think it.But I’m pretty sure he heard it anyway.His smile and sunshine eyes are telling me as much.
“I’ll get ready,” I say and walk past him through the door he’s holding open.
He chuckles as I can’t help brushing against his side as I pass him, even though there was enough room not to.I’m so glad the hallway is cold and dark and he’s behind me, because I’m sure I’m blushing harder than I ever have.If this is what being alive and being in love feels like, I want more of it.Even if my reactions make me want to sink so far beneath the ground I’ll never be found again.
* * *
We’reoutside the building in fifteen minutes, the soft warm air caressing my skin and the rivers of people, cars, and bikes all around us somehow removed like we’re in our own little bubble where only the two of us exist.He’s not walking behind me today, but beside me, and I’m sure that’s the reason I feel like we’re the only two people in the world, even though the street is actually very crowded.
I lead us away from the park, down to a small cafe that just opened up, which looks like something out of one of those romantic movies I love watching so much.I’d only seen this place through the windows of a cab so far and I want to go in, get cappuccinos and have a date.
“Not the park today?”he asks just as I’m thinking that, making my face heat up like I’d just swallowed lava.I’m sure my cheeks are as red as that lava too, so I don’t look at him, just keep forging on towards the cafe.
“I thought we could have a coffee first,” I say.
The cafe—A Quiet Place—is just ahead now.I can see the lacy tablecloths on the small round tables, the pink and purple muffins and cookies in the glass display by the counter, and can even already smell the coffee.
“This place?”he scoffs as I stop in front of it.“Should I just wait outside?”
I was just about to open the door.“Why would you wait outside?”
