What if this is it?
Then there’s the guilt. For the way they look at me with pity in their eyes when they think I’m not watching. Or the way my brothers worry in silence and Liv treats me like I’m made of glass.
I don’t want to die.
But I’m scared I will.
And I’m scared it’ll hurt.
And I’m scared that it won’t.
That it’ll just…stop.
And the world will keep turning like I was never even here.
But I don’t tell Leo any of that.
“Yeah, Bear,” I whisper. “I’m scared.”
He lets out a sigh and walks towards me. He doesn’t have anything to say in response, just pulls me into a hug. I bury my face against his shoulder, eyes burning. There are no more tearsto cry, but they still sting. He holds me as long as I let him. When I finally pull away, he packs up his things and leaves. I’m left standing in the middle of my kitchen, staring at the half-unpacked boxes still stacked throughout the house.
Instead of unpacking, organizing, or trying to make this house feel somewhat like a home, I take the book from the counter and shuffle to my room. The exhaustion drags me down, heavy and insistent. Crawling under the covers, still fully dressed, I clutch the worn paperback to my chest. I want to close my eyes and pretend, even if just for a little while, that my life isn’t ending right in front of me.
My phone vibrates on the bed next to me.
Liv
We’ll be there in 10. Wear something slutty.
I groan, burying my face into the pillow before quickly responding.
I’m not going anywhere.
Liv
Wrong answer. You’ve been hiding out for days. You’re coming. Soph and I will drag you out in your pajamas if we have to.
You wouldn’t.
Liv
I absolutely would.
Sophia
I’m bringing glitter eyeshadow.
I sigh, throwing the book down on the bed beside me. Thelast thing I want to do is leave this bed. I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive a night out in my condition, but I know better than to argue. Once Liv has her mind set on something, it’s like trying to stop a speeding train with your bare hands. And Sophia? I’ve learned she’s the quiet assassin of peer pressure, reeling you in with her gentleness and smile that’s sweet as sugar.
Dragging myself to the closet, I pull out the black silk dress I haven’t worn since last New Years Eve back in New York. It’s the only thing I own that’s remotely acceptable for going out. I never needed to buy any fun clothes because I always ended up borrowing something out of Dallas’ closet. She’s the most stylish person I know, while I on the other hand would’ve just worn sweatpants and a hoodie to the bar. Dallas never would’ve let that happen so she was always in charge of picking outbothof our outfits.
The dress is short, slinky and fits like it was sewn right onto my body. Perfectly slutty enough to meet Liv’s requirement. I pair it with red cowboy boots because if I’m going to be miserable, I might as well be memorable too.
I’m halfway through brushing the knots out of my hair when I hear a knock. The door swings open before I can reach it and in strut Liv and Sophia like they’re walking a damn runway.
Liv’s in a shimmery gold crop top and high-waisted black pants that hug her hips like a second skin. Her blonde curls are piled on top of her head in her signature bun, with just enough pieces falling around her face to make her look effortlessly hot. She’s wearing red lipstick like it’s war paint.
Sophia is in a sparkly emerald green dress, all soft curves and bright eyes. Her natural curls are down tonight, and her cheeks are already flushed like she’s been laughing. She smells like sugar and flowers as she walks past me.
